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Thread: Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

  1. #321
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    Here's one inspired by KT's last effort....


    What do you give an elephant with diarrhoea?























    PLENTY OF ROOM!

  2. #322
    Viva El Presidente! sligoman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CollegeTillIDie
    PLENTY OF ROOM!
    Life without Rovers, it makes no sense...it's a heartache...nothing but a fools game. S.R.F.C.


  3. #323
    Mack Daddy gustavo's Avatar
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    hi all

    long time reader first time poster.

    I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
    We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used
    to enjoy together.


    I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in Meeting up
    and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if
    I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than
    when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise
    to the challenge!!!


    "Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
    that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop
    being so silly! She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!



    "Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she
    giggled...................


    So I told her to f*ck off.

  4. #324
    Reserves Dyl10's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gustavo
    hi all

    long time reader first time poster.

    I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
    We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used
    to enjoy together.


    I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in Meeting up
    and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if
    I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than
    when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise
    to the challenge!!!


    "Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
    that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop
    being so silly! She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!



    "Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she
    giggled...................


    So I told her to f*ck off.
    In a true mans style, I salute you

  5. #325
    Reserves ollie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gustavo
    hi all

    long time reader first time poster.

    I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
    We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used
    to enjoy together.


    I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in Meeting up
    and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if
    I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than
    when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise
    to the challenge!!!


    "Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
    that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop
    being so silly! She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!



    "Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she
    giggled...................


    So I told her to f*ck off.
    Class
    Life isn't all beer and football...some of us haven't touched a football in months

  6. #326
    Reserves aido_b's Avatar
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    Heard this last week in Galway ....



    What do you call a blonde with a brain?

    A Golden Retriever!
    Eoin Mullen, Bohemians legend!

    "You should always take good care of your cat" - Postman Pat, 1991

    2005 - a great year for Irish football

  7. #327
    Coach joeSoap's Avatar
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    A man walks in to a bar and calls a drink. He takes from his inside pocket, a genies lamp, which he rubs, closes his eyes,and makes a wish. When the smoke clears, theres little man, one foot tall, wearing a tuxedo on the counter beside him. The little fella then runs over and starts belting out tunes on the piano in the corner to everyones delight.

    A rather loud obnoxious yank at the bar sees this and demands a go off the lamp.

    "Sorry sir, but its not working properly" says the man.

    "I don't give a damn what you say, I saw what you just did, now give it here" says the yank, who grabs the lamp and starts to rub it feverishly.

    "I wish for...let me see, I'm broke.... I wish for one hundred bucks" !!!

    A big puff of smoke comes and goes and to the yanks horror, theres one hundred ducks running wild all over the pub.

    "God damnit, I asked for a hundred bucks, not a hundred ducks"

    "Well", replied the man. "I told you it wasn't working. Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?? "
    Mendacity...the art of being mendacious.- John Gotti 1985

  8. #328
    International Prospect Peadar's Avatar
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    HER DIARY:

    Friday 19th August 2005

    Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
    distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

    All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

    MAN'S DIARY:

    Friday 19th August 2005

    City lost to Derry. Gutted. Got a shag though.
    Have Boot Disk, will travel

  9. #329
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peadar
    HER DIARY:

    Friday 19th August 2005

    Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
    distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

    All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

    MAN'S DIARY:

    Friday 19th August 2005

    City lost to Derry. Gutted. Got a shag though.
    Classic

  10. #330
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    Ok what do you get if you cross a Rottweiler with a Golden Labrador?





















    A dog that scares the sh*t out of you and then runs away with your toilet paper

  11. #331
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    There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who know binary and those who don't.
    Injustice anywhere threatens justice everywhere - Martin Luther King Jnr.

  12. #332
    Viva El Presidente! sligoman's Avatar
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    Talking

    A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp.

    They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie.

    He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish.

    The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring.

    I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went.

    Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went.

    The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'
    Life without Rovers, it makes no sense...it's a heartache...nothing but a fools game. S.R.F.C.


  13. #333
    Viva El Presidente! sligoman's Avatar
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    Q. Why can't you get a cup of tea at Highbury?

    A. Because all the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Stamford Bridge.
    Life without Rovers, it makes no sense...it's a heartache...nothing but a fools game. S.R.F.C.


  14. #334
    Reserves M@ttitude's Avatar
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    Mick and paddy, two friends, middle aged, no jobs... decide that they should start a farm, so off they went and bought 2 pigs, one each to see how it goes. They brought them home but Mick says to Paddy "how are we going to know which one is mine and which one is yours?", "Well, says mick, thats a good question, I suppose i could cut my ones tail off so mine will be the one with no tail", Paddy agrees that thats a great idea and off they go to bed looking forward to the next day of farming. Next morning Mick hears Paddy roaring in the back yard, "Your fecking pig bit off my pigs tail, now we cant tell the difference again!", Mick runs down and decides to cut off his pigs ear but the next morning the same story the other pig bit off the ear, this carried on for the rest of the week until both pigs had no tail, no ears, all butchered up and bleeding and Paddy sighs and says to Mick
    >









    "Sure Ill take the pink one and you take the black one"
    Last edited by M@ttitude; 06/10/2005 at 11:59 PM.

  15. #335
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    Quote Originally Posted by M@ttitude
    Mick and paddy, two friends, middle aged, no jobs... decide that they should start a farm, so off they went and bought 2 pigs, one each to see how it goes. They brought them home but Mick says to Paddy "how are we going to know which one is mine and which one is yours?", "Well, says mick, thats a good question, I suppose i could cut my ones tail off so mine will be the one with no tail", Paddy agrees that thats a great idea and off they go to bed looking forward to the next day of farming. Next morning Mick hears Paddy roaring in the back yard, "Your fecking pig bit off my pigs tail, now we cant tell the difference again!", Mick runs down and decides to cut off his pigs ear but the next morning the same story the other pig bit off the ear, this carried on for the rest of the week until both pigs had no tail, no ears, all butchered up and bleeding and Paddy sighs and says to Mick
    >









    "Sure Ill take the pink one and you take the black one"
    You shouldn't mock the afflicted... colour blindness is a problem

  16. #336
    Reserves TheOwl's Avatar
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    America having been dropping dozens of bombs on Iraq recently with little effect, so they are now going to up the ante and drop hundreds and thousands instead!

    They are calling it Operation Dessert Storm

  17. #337
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    What do you call a man with no shins ?

    Tony.
    Bye bye Stan. Go off back to collecting cones you useless git.

  18. #338
    Coach superfrank's Avatar
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    Three old lads are in a pub when a girl walks past in the nip.

    The first one has a stroke.

    The second has a stroke.

    The third ones arm is too short.
    Extratime.ie

    Yo te quiero, mi querida. Sin tus besos, yo soy nada.

    Abri o portão de ouro, da maquina do tempo.

    Mi mamá me hizo guapo, listo y antimadridista.

  19. #339
    Seasoned Pro strangeirish's Avatar
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    On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil
    Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon.

    His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, "that's One Small Step For
    Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind," Were Televised To Earth And Heard By
    Millions.

    But Just Before He Reentered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic Remark "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."

    Many People At Nasa Though It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.

    However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The Russian Or American Space Programs.

    Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.

    On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay, Florida, While Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The 26-year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He Finally Responded.

    Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Answer The Question.

    In 1938 When He Was A Kid In A Small Midwest Town, He Was Playing Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard.

    His Friend Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By The Bedroom Windows.

    His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.

    As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky.

    "sex! You Want Sex?! You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!" :d
    Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.

  20. #340
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    By the way, that isn't a true story....




    What's E.T. stand for?




    'Cos there's no seats left.

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