Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**hamish** · 15/08/2005, 12:40 PM

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer does not have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Since they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try did not take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig, twice, for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck ..and one of them is honking the horn."

Jeez, Sligoman, you really thought me how to copy and paste. I highlighted the jokes I wanted and can now get it all here printed.

Magic, fcukin' magic.

**sligoman** · 15/08/2005, 12:43 PM

Originally Posted by sirhamish

It's a joke site among other things Sligoman. Only for over 50s like me though. LOL

Some great jokes on it.
I've more on the way.

No, I meant what the fcuk was www.******.com but now I've seen it's a banned word so now I know. Silly Hamish

**hamish** · 15/08/2005, 12:47 PM

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies... I want bigger boobies.'" She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in her seat on the bus she said, "Scooby dooby doobies... I want bigger boobies."
The guy sitting beside asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock."......... LOL

Actually that reminds me of a similar joke I hear years ago.
There was a bloke who had a terrible wnaking problem. He went to the doctor who said, "Take one of these tablets every day and when you get the urge, grab your tool in your hand and shout "DIE" at it."
Sure enough, off home he went, sat down on the sofa, saw Cheryll Tweedy on the telly and got an instant hard on. He took the tablet, grabbed his micky and shouted "DIE" - immediately his schlong drooped.
He did this evry day for a month - 100% success.
Eventually , he got confident, decided to take no more tablets.
On his first non-tablet day, he was walking round Eyre Square and passed by a smashing looking bird. Sure enough, John Thomas reared his head. Yer man dashed into the public toilet, grabs his tool and shouts "DIE". Schlong still rock hard. He shouts "DIE" again. Still solid as a rock. He roars "DIE" again - no luck. One last time he shouts "Die". "DIE", "Die,diddley,eye,die,diddley,die,diddley eye............"

Think of Dervish/Planxty/Bothy Band etc when you read that last line.

Three guys were on a trip in Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 of the most beautiful women they have ever seen. They started getting friendly with a few of the women. One thing leads to another, and soon all three men have had sex with several of the women. Suddenly the Sheik enters the room.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way that corresponds to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a Cop," said the first man." Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a Firemen," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a grin, "I'm a Lollipop Salesman!"

George was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall, ran to the toy store and asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie Goes to the Gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes to the Ball' for 19.95, 'Barbie Goes Shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes to the Beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?," George asked surprised.
The Manager replies, "Well, 'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

**hamish** · 15/08/2005, 12:50 PM

Originally Posted by sligoman

No, I meant what the fcuk was www.******.com but now I've seen it's a banned word so now I know. Silly Hamish

Actually, it's called Wnakers over 50 .com - it has a brilliant joke site called Lav Wall Humor where readers can send in their favourite jokes.

Sligoman, I've learnt today how to use the bold button thingamajig and all by myself too. LOL.

With all this copy/paste thingy you've coached me, look at the monster you've unleashed. LOL

**Green Tribe** · 15/08/2005, 9:08 PM

sorry, but it's starting to annoy me......

it's not 'thought', it's 'taught'

**strangeirish** · 15/08/2005, 9:18 PM

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

**strangeirish** · 15/08/2005, 9:27 PM

Smart arse

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one kid rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

**hamish** · 15/08/2005, 9:47 PM

Originally Posted by kerr's tribe

sorry, but it's starting to annoy me......

it's not 'thought', it's 'taught'

eh?............who?............where?............. ..when?.........

**hamish** · 15/08/2005, 9:51 PM

Originally Posted by strangeirish

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

**hamish** · 16/08/2005, 9:52 PM

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and$1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.

**hamish** · 16/08/2005, 9:54 PM

A man is in bed with his wife when.... there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. Resignedly, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and looks questioningly at the man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened, and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter, and you had to knock on that man's door, and he got up in the middle of the night, in the rain, and came out to help us to get us started again?
What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
Grumpily, our hero gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please!" Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing!"

**hamish** · 16/08/2005, 10:03 PM

a horse goes into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"

q. whats the difference between a women on her period and a mischievious midget?

a. One is a cunning runt!

Two nuns, one from New York and one from Texas, were given bad directions and ended up in a shady part of town. When they got out to ask for directions once again, they were chased into an alley and raped by two thugs. The nun from New York raised her hands to the sky and yelled, "Oh dear Lord, please forgive him. He doesn't know what he's doing."

The nun from Texas yelled over, "Mine sure does!"

A golf foursome was working its way slowly through 18 holes. According to all observers, the four golfers were obviously beginners, each making their own typical beginner's mistake.
The duffers were Monica Lewinsky, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. According to the other golfers in the groups stuck behind the duffers, the types of problems the beginners had were strangely appropriate: Monica was a hooker, O.J. had a vicious slice, Kennedy couldn't drive over water, and Clinton seemed to be confused about which hole he should be playing!

**sligoman** · 16/08/2005, 11:59 PM

Q. What has an IQ of 148?

A. 148 David Beckhams

**hamish** · 18/08/2005, 7:08 PM

Originally Posted by sligoman

Q. What has an IQ of 148?

A. 148 David Beckhams

or a 296 Sligo managers. LOL

**strangeirish** · 18/08/2005, 8:55 PM

Originally Posted by sirhamish

A man is in bed with his wife when.... there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. Resignedly, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and looks questioningly at the man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened, and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter, and you had to knock on that man's door, and he got up in the middle of the night, in the rain, and came out to help us to get us started again?
What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
Grumpily, our hero gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please!" Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing!"

I likes that one.....