Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**hamish** · 05/08/2005, 9:03 PM

Originally Posted by strangeirish

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

Thanks for giving me a ready made excuse for KT LOL

**hamish** · 05/08/2005, 10:07 PM

Cowboy out riding the range, comes across an Indian, lying on the ground, schlong sticking up in the air.
Cowboy asks him what he's up to.
"Telling the time", says the Injun.
Cowboy asks him how he does it.
Injun, "It's sorta like a sundial, sun causes a shadow on my schlong and I can tell what time it is"
"BTW, it's 11am."
Further on, cowboy comes across another Injun doing the same - Injun tells him it's 2.30pm
Further on, cowboy comes across another Injun, wnaking himself silly.
Cowboy says, "I suppose you can tell me the time?"
Injun, "I have to wind the clock first"

**hamish** · 05/08/2005, 10:12 PM

Young lad walks in on his father and mother having it off and asks them what they're doing.
Dad says, "We're playing poker, I'm the king and Mum's the queen"
Next day, young lad catches his oldest brother and girlfrind at it and they give the same answer.
Next day, he walks in to another brothers bedroom and catches him wnaking.
Young lad, "I suppose you're playing poker too but where's the queen?"
Other brother, "Who needs the queen when I've got a hand like this?"

**The County Dawg** · 05/08/2005, 10:24 PM

Wayne Rooney goes to the doctors and says..."Doc, every time I look in the mirror I get sexually aroused"
"Its no wonder" says the doctor " you're a c*nt".

**hamish** · 05/08/2005, 10:47 PM

Originally Posted by The County Dawg

Wayne Rooney goes to the doctors and says..."Doc, every time I look in the mirror I get sexually aroused"
"Its no wonder" says the doctor " you're a c*nt".

LOL

Two blokes go down to the sperm clinic to make donations.
First one meets doctor who directs him to cubicle.
In the cubicle he sees loads of porn mags and off he goes.
Mid-wnak, he hears groans from the next cubicle
He looks over the wall and sees his friend under a hot nurse who's giving him a right seeing to.
"For fcuks sake, how come I only get dirty mags and you get a horny nurse?"
Friend, "How many fcukin' times have I told you to join the fcukin' VHI?"

**hamish** · 05/08/2005, 11:08 PM

Dad walks in on his son having a frentic w*nk,
"Stop that son, it'll make you go blind"
"Dad, DAD, I'm over here"

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research paper to his class. He emphasised that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing the course and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for handing up completed papers late.
1. A medically certifiable illness or
2. A death in the student's immediate family
A smart assed student in the back of the class piped up, "But what about a case of extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
When the students stopped laughing, the professor replied, "Well, you'll just have to learn to write with the other hand"

Lovers celebrate St. Valentine's Day. What do masturbaters celebrate?
Palm Sunday

Girl walks in to an accountant to file her taxes.
Accountant goes through a check list with her, address, name etc
He comes to the part where one writes in one's profession.
"Whore", she saves
"Oh, Jesus, no, that won't do", says the account.
"Allright, write down prostitute", says the woman.
"No, that's won't be accepted either"
"Allright, put down chicken farmer"
Accountant, "What does chicken farming have to do with prostitution?"
Girl, "Well, I've raised over 5000 cocks in the past year"

**hamish** · 05/08/2005, 11:09 PM

Originally Posted by Anto McC

I'll never forgive the Japanese for what they done to my Grandfather in WW2.............3 times he was passed over for promotion

Ah so, An to.

**sligoman** · 10/08/2005, 11:09 PM

So Hamish, you not been able to copy and paste, does that mean all the jokes you put in here were all typed out by you?

**Peadar** · 11/08/2005, 7:52 AM

The difference in definition between "guts" and "balls":

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning or are you flying off somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say:
"You're next fatty."

**sligoman** · 11/08/2005, 1:44 PM

1. Non stick Cellotape
2. Solar Powered Flash Light
3. A black highlighter pen
4. Glow in the dark sunglasses
5. Inflatable Anchor
6. Smooth Sandpaper
7. Waterproof sponge
8. Waterproof Teabags
9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
10. Fireproof Matches
11. Fireproof Cigarettes
12. Battery powered Battery Charger
13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
14. Hand powered Chainsaw
15. Inflatable Dartboard
16. Silent Alarm Clock
17. A Pedal powered wheelchair
18. Braille Drivers Manual
19. Double sided playing cards
20. Ejector seats for Helicopters

**sligoman** · 11/08/2005, 1:51 PM

On a hairdryer : Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of sweets:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On packaging for an iron

o not iron clothes on body
On Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On a sleep medicine:
Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On peanuts packet: Warning: contains nuts.
(Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open
packet, eat nuts.
(DDDUUUHHH)

On a childs superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

**Green Tribe** · 11/08/2005, 8:35 PM

Originally Posted by Peadar

The difference in definition between "guts" and "balls":

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning or are you flying off somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say:
"You're next fatty."

**davey** · 12/08/2005, 12:40 AM

Not really a joke but funny anyway and true.

my friend went for a smear test the other day. Shes a 2g with a real Irish name. Anyway, the nurse happened to be from Dublin and was making small talk with her whilst undertaking the apparently unpleasant task of the smear test.

"So Roisin, You must be Irish"

My pal, who btw was nervous as **** as this was her first test - "Jesus, Have I got freckles down there too?"

**hamish** · 12/08/2005, 2:25 AM

Originally Posted by sligoman

So Hamish, you not been able to copy and paste, does that mean all the jokes you put in here were all typed out by you?

Yep typed them all Sligoman. tried to copy/paste etc jokes from Wnakers at 50 joke site

but Footie doesn't allow that word to print so I couldn't manage it.

**Green Tribe** · 12/08/2005, 7:11 AM

Originally Posted by sirhamish

Yep typed them all Sligoman. tried to copy/paste etc jokes from Wnakers at 50 joke site

but Footie doesn't allow that word to print so I couldn't manage it.

So you do have a valid reason for having a sore wrist then.........

**hamish** · 12/08/2005, 8:20 PM

Originally Posted by kerr's tribe

So you do have a valid reason for having a sore wrist then.........

Jaysus, is there no excape from that woman. Here I am, posting away on a pretty obscure thread amd BANG, out she pops witk a smartass remark.

KT has perfected guerilla tactics in Footieland.

**CollegeTillIDie** · 13/08/2005, 5:46 PM

Ok totally non-PC joke here.

Chinese gentleman and New York Jewish guy having a few beers in a bar.
After a few drinks, the Jewish guy decks the Chinese guy seemingly out of the blue. Chineseman asks him " What was that for?" Jewish guy says " that was for Pearl Harbour in 1941." Chinese guy said " that was the Japanese I am from China" Jewish guy says " Japanese ?, CHinese? What's the difference?"

The Chinese man thinks for a few moments and then he decks the Jewish guy. Jewish guy indignantly says " what was that for?" Chinese guy replies " That was for the Titanic in 1912?" Jewish guy says" What's that got to do with me?" CHinese guy replies" ICEBERG ? GOLDBERG? What's the difference!"

I'll get my coat

**hamish** · 15/08/2005, 12:31 PM

Try these.from Wnakers.com

Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
A Crust

Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A: If your partner chews before swallowing

Q: What's the difference between a bonus and a Boner?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus..

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job?
A: After 20 yrs the job still sucks

Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q: Why do married men like blowjobs so much?
A: 15 mins of silence.