Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[hamish]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

LOL

[Ash]

Two tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogog ogoch,
they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde waitress leaned over and said,
"Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."

Boom Boom!

[strangeirish]

Classroom scene and the teacher decides to have a spelling contest for the childrens

"Johnny, spell apple for me and put it in a sentence"

"A-p-p-l-e.....and you are the best teacher, and I'll bring you an apple in the morning"

"Mary, spell orange for me and put it in a sentence"
"O-r-a-n-g-e....and you are the best teacher, and I'll bring you an orange in the morning"

"Buckwheat, how about spelling a word for the class"
"Okays teacha, dictate.....D-i-c-t-a-t-e....dats gud,huh teacha!?"

"Very good Buckwheat, now put it in a sentence"
"Sho 'nuff, teacha, Yo Mary, how'd dat dic-tate last night?"

[aido_b]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

[Green Tribe]

very good aido.......

[boysingreen]

For those who've never heard of him.. Bobby Knight is a college basketball coach in the US. He's a legend, won't take any **** type, hell of a temper, and a winner. Flung a chair across the court once at the referee. Anyhow..

In one post-game interview, when asked what he thought of his team's execution... he said he was in favor of it.

[hamish]

This is very un PC...

New lady teacher in school, first day in class.
"Now, boys and girls, we'll tackle the alphabet - can anyone tell me a word starting with the letter A?"
Little goodie two shoes Mary pipes up, "Apple", Miss.
Teacher: "Very good, Mary - what is an apple?"
Little Mary: "It's a fruit, Miss, it grows on a tree".
Teacher: "Very good Mary - anyone else got an A word?"
Archie, class gurrier: "Ar$e, Miss".
Teacher: "That's very rude, Archie - now, can anyone tell me a word beginning with B?"
Nerdy Nigel: "Balloon, Miss - you blow it up and use it at parties".
Teacher: "Excellent Nigel - anyone got another B word?"
Archie: "B0llix, Miss".
Teacher: "Archie, I told you to stop giving vulgar words".
Teacher: "Let's try C - any words?"
Studious Sarah: "Car, Miss - a vehicle to drive in".
Teacher: "Very, very good - anyone else?"
Archie: "Cnut", Miss...it's a......."
Teacher: "Archie, Final warning, no more bad language - now, let's try D".
Mary, again: "Damsel - an old fashioned word for a girl or lady".
Teacher: "Wonderful, Mary - any other D words?"
Archie: "Miss, Miss, I have a great D word"
Teacher: "Archie, you're in big trouble if it's rude".
Archie: "No, Miss - dwarf - that word starts with D"
Teacher: "Now, that's much better Archie, and what is a dwarf, Archie?"
Archie: "It's a little cnut with a big ar$e and a small b0llix".

[sligoman]

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."






The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

[sligoman]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids came back, and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father is a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. "What is the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good, " said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,and the moral of the story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher.

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my aunt Joanna. Aunt Jo was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun then ran out of bullets.Then she killed twenty more with the machete til the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens, " said the horrified teacher "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fcuk away from Aunt Jo when she's been drinking."

[hamish]

Fair play Sligoman - two brilliant jokes - loved the punchline in that cowboy joke - a big LOL

[sligoman]

Hey Hamish, did ya see this Take a look!

[Aldini98]

1. Beauty salons up and down the country are worried about a drop in
turnover now that the metropolitan police are doing brazilians for
nothing.


2. The metropolitan police has also arrested a bus load of thalidomide
muslims in London yesterday, on small arms charges.


I'll get my coat

[hamish]

Hey Hamish, did ya see this Take a look!

LOL - great stuff Sligoman - you're spoiling me. BUT, this nicey nicey atmosphere between Athlone and Rovers fans just HAS to stop. We're supposed to take the p!ss out of each other. LOL

Ah, fcuk it - keep the good jokes coming.

[hamish]

2. The metropolitan police has also arrested a bus load of thalidomide
muslims in London yesterday, on small arms charges.

LOL

What's brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red white???

David Dickinson having a wnak.

[Green Tribe]

LOL

What's brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red, brown/red white???

David Dickinson having a wnak.

[aido_b]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

[strangeirish]

Thats gas.....er no pun intended

[hamish]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

aido b - the flash cartoon of that is on the Mediapickle website - I think.

[hamish]

Young lad behind a shop counter reading an adult magazine and has his schlong in his hand.
Anjolie Jolie walks into the shop to his astonishment.
Young lad, embarrassed, quickly puts his schlong into the till
Jolie says: "You look surprised"
Lad: "No, no, I,I, I, I'm so happy"
Jolie: "Why's that?"
Lad: "I've just come into money"

[sligoman]

An American, a Japanese and an Irishman are in a sauna. A beeping noise goes off and the American presses his arm and the bleep stops, he then says "oh, thats my pager, I've had a chip installed in my arm". Then a few minutes later a phone rings and the Japanese man puts his palm to his ear and says "that was just my phone, I had a microchip installed". Then the Irishman, not to be outdone, goes to the bathroom and comes back with toilet paper hanging from his arse and says " Oh bejaysus( ) look at that, I'm getting a fax"