Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[SkStu]

Dear Jim,

Please can you fix it for me to go on It's A Knockout......

[Señor Willy]

What do you call a Spanish streaker?

SEÑOR WILLY!

[jinxy lilywhite]

My GPS has no idea where Funky Town even is...

[BonnieShels]

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says "We don't serve noble gases in here"

He doesn't react.

[peadar1987]

f(x)=2x³-4x²+8x-9 walks into a bar, and asks the barman for a sandwich.

"Sorry", says the barman. "We don't cater for functions".

[pineapple stu]

Best nerd joke I've heard in a long time!

[BonnieShels]

This has always been my favourite maths joke: (Incidentally I broke up with a girl the evening I realised I talked to her mate more than her. The mate got the joke, the GF stared straight ahead.)

At a party everyone is dancing and having a good time, except e^x who is sitting in the corner.
Sin(x) notices so comes over and says “Why don’t you stop moping in the corner and try and integrate yourself?"

e^x meekly responds, "I just can't. It'll make no difference!"

[Ozymandias]

This has always been my favourite maths joke: (Incidentally I broke up with a girl the evening I realised I talked to her mate more than her. The mate got the joke, the GF stared straight ahead.)

At a party everyone is dancing and having a good time, except e^x who is sitting in the corner.
Sin(x) notices so comes over and says “Why don’t you stop moping in the corner and try and integrate yourself?"

e^x meekly responds, "I just can't. It'll make no difference!"

can you clarify again for me. Did she break uip with you ???

[jinxy lilywhite]

I love this weather, short low cut tops and mini skirts...........
They make me look a bit gay though.!

[SkStu]

what's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face...

[IrishRossi]

I don't know what Putin's planning on doing next but he's told FIFA that Russia will not be hosting the world cup in 2018.

Instead, he wants it to be called the Russian Federation Cup


Note to Enda Kenny:

You can say what you like about Putin, but at least he knows how to organise a swift in/out referendum!

[SkStu]

[DeLorean]

My girlfriend called me a paedophile...

I said... "that's a big word for a twelve year old"

[BonnieShels]

An older man and a young boy are holding hands and walking into the woods together.

The boy looks up and say, "gee, I'm scared, it's dark in here."

The old man answers, "Yeah, just think how I feel....I have to walk out of here alone!"

[nigel-harps1954]

A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre. The barman gives her one.

[Eminence Grise]

She's a girl of outstanding dimensions
(Two of which were her surgeon's inventions).
She's got 36D-
22-33,
And a PhD nobody mentions.

[SkStu]

She's a girl of outstanding dimensions
(Two of which were her surgeon's inventions).
She's got 36D-
22-33,
And a PhD nobody mentions.

E.G., I'm picturing a group of men recanting that limerick in a room with a very full library. You are there in your smoking jacket and slippers, casually swishing your brandy around its snifter and laughing heartily at such merriment..

[Eminence Grise]

My homeys and I, enjoying a post-prandial sherry and louche, if devastatingly humorous, limericks.

I'll make sure to invite you to the next one, Stu.

[osarusan]

My homeys and I, enjoying a post-prandial sherry and louche, if devastatingly humorous, limericks.

I'll make sure to invite you to the next one, Stu.

It's a jolly shame old Pickwick couldn't make it.

[Eminence Grise]

Blighter was banished to the library with a bottle of brandy and a Browning revolver after we found him cheating at bridge. It wasn't the cheating that bothered us, it was that we were playing whist at the time.