Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**BonnieShels** · 25/02/2013, 10:39 PM

Originally Posted by strangeirish

I posted that yonks ago in the "Say anything thread". Still a good 'un.

**BonnieShels** · 25/02/2013, 10:42 PM

Originally Posted by SkStu

They photoshopped in one blade... but couldn't photoshop out the other.

Amateur hour.

**SkStu** · 27/02/2013, 3:56 PM

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.

**SkStu** · 27/02/2013, 5:49 PM

**gastric** · 27/02/2013, 11:49 PM

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=3]LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE! [/SIZE]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=3]I'd just comeout of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & ajumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for twodays.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.' [/SIZE]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=3]I took myBiology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found incells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Muslims" were NOT the correctanswers. [/SIZE]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=3]A fat girlserved me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said,'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually ' [/SIZE]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[SIZE=3]I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When Icame out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're stillblack'. [/SIZE]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=3]Snow in theforecast and the TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thoughtto myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!' [/SIZE]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[SIZE=3]A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing byasks 'What be wrong, me lad?' The boy says 'Tis cause me ma died this mornin'.'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Would you be wantin' me to call Father O'Rileyfor you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on me mind atthe moment .' [/SIZE]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[SIZE=3]Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But sinceall my doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best! [/SIZE]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[SIZE=3]Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutterspeed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouthclosed. [/SIZE]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

**DannyInvincible** · 27/02/2013, 11:53 PM

Originally Posted by gastric

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]LET'SOFFEND EVERYONE!
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]I'd justcome out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas &a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for twodays.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]I took myBiology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found incells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Muslims" were NOT the correctanswers.
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]A fatgirl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' Isaid, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When Icame out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're stillblack'.
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]Snow inthe forecast and the TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. Ithought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!'
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing byasks 'What be wrong, me lad?' The boy says 'Tis cause me ma died this mornin'.'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Would you be wantin' me to call Father O'Rileyfor you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on me mind atthe moment .'
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But sinceall my doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutterspeed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouthclosed.
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

Is the offensive formatting part of the joke?

**SkStu** · 27/02/2013, 11:59 PM

I think it's to throw Geysir off the scent...!

**gastric** · 28/02/2013, 12:09 AM

Originally Posted by DannyInvincible

Is the offensive formatting part of the joke?

Thanks, some technical issue. Looks fine until I save it , then the crap appears. Will endeavour to sort it.

**strangeirish** · 17/03/2013, 12:10 AM

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?" "Yes!" Paddy replies. The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?" Paddy replies "Ah sure it's time and a half, right..?"

**SkStu** · 30/03/2013, 2:10 PM

I'll always remember my first shag.

14 years old and scared as hell.

Mind you, I was 26.

**SkStu** · 30/03/2013, 2:11 PM

Just tried a Harlem w@nk on the bus. Nobody joined in but there was a lot of screaming.

**BonnieShels** · 01/04/2013, 2:37 AM

Originally Posted by SkStu

Just tried a Harlem w@nk on the bus. Nobody joined in but there was a lot of screaming.

**nigel-harps1954** · 06/04/2013, 6:24 PM

**Cuyahoga** · 09/04/2013, 9:38 PM

I am not going to make a joke about the Iron Lady's death.
Let her rust in peace.

**Mr A** · 09/04/2013, 9:54 PM

Yeah, apparently they have no choice but to bury her.

The lady's not for burning.

**BonnieShels** · 09/04/2013, 10:28 PM

Bonnie looks at list on main forum page: "It appears there's a new post in the joke thread. The text has been emboldened to suggest same. I shall go in there."

Bonnie winces when he sees that Mr A has made the last post: "This will surely be in good taste. He is a witty dog is Mr A. He would never stoop to the lowest common... oh wait... I bet it's a Thatcher joke."

Bonnie sees Thatcher joke and shakes head: "Tut tut!"