I just clicked on a link on the internet 'XXX bald **** action' ....
the last thing I expected was Michael noonan
Long Live King Kenny
I like high energy football. A little bit rock and roll. Many finishes instead of waiting for the perfect one.
Weather forecast for the week.
I like high energy football. A little bit rock and roll. Many finishes instead of waiting for the perfect one.
Imreoirí na Gaeilge
I like high energy football. A little bit rock and roll. Many finishes instead of waiting for the perfect one.
Nios mo...
I like high energy football. A little bit rock and roll. Many finishes instead of waiting for the perfect one.
Nios mo...
I like high energy football. A little bit rock and roll. Many finishes instead of waiting for the perfect one.
I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
https://kesslereffect.bandcamp.com/album/kepler - New music. It's not that bad.
Originally Posted by SkStu
It'd be great if he got Katy Taylor in his opening contest.
Where does Father Christmas go to recover after Christmas?
An elf farm.
2. What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
3. What do you call two happy mushrooms?
Fun guys.
4. What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?
He got 25 days.
5. What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave?
He gives them the sack.
6. What do you give a dog for Christmas?
A mobile bone.
7. What’s brown and creeps around the house?
Mince spies.
8. What do witches use to wrap their presents?
Spello-tape.
9. What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
A chew chew train.
10. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no body to go with.
What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean
What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut
What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saw-us!
What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell
What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney
Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy to be with.
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.
Who was England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer
Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews
What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.
What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.
What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.
What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.
Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.
What's furry and minty?
A polo bear.
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.
What vegetable needs a plumber? - a leek
Why have gorrillas got big nostrels?
Because they've got big fingers.
why does an elephant have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom!
What goes Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards
what's harder that getting two pregnanat elephants in a mini? Getting two elephants pregnant in a mini
Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a fowl
I bought Heather Mills a new false leg for Christmas. It's not her main present just a stocking filler.
A couple of my favourite comics from Darth Vader and Son by Jeffrey Brown. Great fun for any Star Wars fan and/or parent.
The Ten Best Puns of the Second Millennium
As chosen by Richard Lederer
Number Ten
A good pun is like a good steak; a rare medium well done.
Number Nine
An old Texas rancher is drawing up his will so that he might provide for his three boys when he passes away. He decides to divide his land up evenly among them.
His wife suggests that he name the place The Focus Ranch.
"Why Should I do that, my love?"
"Because it is where the sons raise meat."
Number Eight
Back in the 1930's, William Lyon Phelps of Yale found the following sentence gleaming out of the pages of a freshman essay: "The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay prostitute at the bottom."
In the margin of the paper, Professor Phelps commented: "My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman and one who has merely slipped."
Number Seven
Rudolph, a dedicated Russian Communist and important rocket scientist, is about to launch a large satellite. His wife, a fellow scientist at the base with a background in meteorology, urges Rudolph to postpone the launch because, she asserts, a hard rain will soon fall.
Their collegial disagreement soon escalates into a furious argument that Rudolph closes by shouting, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Number Six
One frog croaks to the other, "Time's fun when you're having flies!"
Number Five
Two ropes walk into an old western saloon. The first rope goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"We don't serve ropes in this saloon," sneers the bartender, who picks up the rope, whirls him around over his head, and tosses him out into the street.
"Uh, oh. I'd better disguise myself," thinks the second rope. He ruffles up his ends to make himself look bigger and twists himself into a circle. Then he too sidles up to the bar.
"Hmmmmm. Are you one of them ropes?" snarls the bartender.
"No. I'm a frayed knot."
Number Four
Mahatma Gandhi never wore anything on his feet, and he ate so little that he developed delicate health and bad breath. The result was a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Number Three
Roy Rogers goes bathing in a creek. Along comes a cougar and begins nibbling on one of Roy's brand-new boots, sitting by the edge of the creek.
Dale Evans enters the scene and fires her trusty rifle in the air, chasing away the cougar.
She turns to her husband and asks, "Pardon me, Roy. Was that the cat that chewed your new shoe?"
Number Two
Better watch out, or my karma will run over your dogma.
Number One
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
- Dorothy Parker
I like high energy football. A little bit rock and roll. Many finishes instead of waiting for the perfect one.
I was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside me. So I leaned over and said:
"You remind me of my little toe."
She replied, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
I said, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk."
I like high energy football. A little bit rock and roll. Many finishes instead of waiting for the perfect one.
I was fingering an ugly bird at a party and was rather drunk I stopped and said, "I don't suppose you have a bag do you? I'm feeling sick."
"Why don't you use the toilet?" she asked.
"Thanks," I replied, "but I wouldn't feel right ****ing you with a toilet on your head."
I like high energy football. A little bit rock and roll. Many finishes instead of waiting for the perfect one.
Jonathan Ross has been arrested for stealing a cooking utensil from Tesco. When questioned by police, he said it was a whisk he had to take.
Forget about the performance or entertainment. It's only the result that matters.
Three people taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers are reported to be in a stable condition.
Forget about the performance or entertainment. It's only the result that matters.
I hear they had a dose of the trots.
My sister-in-law's mate who is a nurse was telling us that she was working the day the burger scandal broke and one of the Docs came to her and said that someone was in really sick from eating the burger and she was getting all annoyed and worried until he said, "its ok he is in a stable condition". She nearly killed him!
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