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Thread: Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

  1. #2121
    Capped Player SkStu's Avatar
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    I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – €1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

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  3. #2122
    Capped Player SkStu's Avatar
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    Glass coffins - will they catch on???

    Remains to be seen...

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  5. #2123
    First Team jinxy lilywhite's Avatar
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    got a call from my electric company to tell me that my bill was outstanding
    I said thanks
    Long Live King Kenny

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  7. #2124
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    Some avid watchers of RTE we have here.

    Putin is tossing and turning and worrying, then appearing to him in a vision is good old Stalin. He says - Joe, what the hell can I do about the country. The people are carrying on something rotten. Stalin thinks about it, sits down and looks Vlad in the eye. Listen kiddo, you only have to do 2 things. First, round up all the so called democrats and shoot them. Second you paint the walls of the Kremlin blue. Putin shakes his head in confusion - Why do I paint the Kremlin walls blue? Stalin laughs, See, I knew you'd ask about that. (this is the "funniest" joke in Russia at the moment).

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  9. #2125
    Coach BonnieShels's Avatar
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    That is pretty funny though.
    DID YOU NOTICE A SIGN OUTSIDE MY HOUSE...?

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    Capped Player SkStu's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spudulika View Post
    Putin is tossing and turning and worrying, then appearing to him in a vision is good old Stalin. He says - Joe, what the hell can I do about the country. The people are carrying on something rotten. Stalin thinks about it, sits down and looks Vlad in the eye. Listen kiddo, you only have to do 2 things. First, round up all the so called democrats and shoot them. Second you paint the walls of the Kremlin blue. Putin shakes his head in confusion - Why do I paint the Kremlin walls blue? Stalin laughs, See, I knew you'd ask about that. (this is the "funniest" joke in Russia at the moment).
    thats flippin great!

  11. #2127
    First Team jinxy lilywhite's Avatar
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    Arshavin: The Worst Russian sub since the Kursk
    Long Live King Kenny

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  13. #2128
    The Cheeto God Real ale Madrid's Avatar
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    Just watched the film “127 hours” backwards.

    It’s a heart-warming tale about a one armed man who finds a new limb in a canyon.

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  15. #2129
    Capped Player SkStu's Avatar
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    Barack Obama has announced that the US Defence Budget will be slashed down to $660bn for next year.

    This means that they will no longer have the biggest Defence budget.

    They'll now be second ........

    Behind Manchester City !

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    The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.

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    Reserves Trainee's Avatar
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    Valentines Day.
    Dinner: £70
    Drinks: £50
    Taxi: £20
    Hotel Room: £300

    The look on your face when she tells you she's on her period: PRICELESS

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  19. #2132
    Coach tetsujin1979's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spudulika View Post
    Some avid watchers of RTE we have here.

    Putin is tossing and turning and worrying, then appearing to him in a vision is good old Stalin. He says - Joe, what the hell can I do about the country. The people are carrying on something rotten. Stalin thinks about it, sits down and looks Vlad in the eye. Listen kiddo, you only have to do 2 things. First, round up all the so called democrats and shoot them. Second you paint the walls of the Kremlin blue. Putin shakes his head in confusion - Why do I paint the Kremlin walls blue? Stalin laughs, See, I knew you'd ask about that. (this is the "funniest" joke in Russia at the moment).
    Similar to this joke from Spike Milligan when was on the Late Late Show one night
    So he walked on, sat down and slammed his fists on the desk
    "gay!! it's terrible!! nobody cares about the jews anymore!!!!!"
    "excuse me?"
    "no it's true, no one cares about the jews anymore!"
    "spike, what are you talking about"
    "listen to me, man. the nazis have come back to power and they've released their intentions! they want to kill 10,000,000 jews and 33 irish postmen!!!"
    "why the 33 irish postmen????"
    "YOU SEE!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE JEWS ANYMORE"
    All goals, yellow and red cards tweeted in real time on mastodon, BlueSky and facebook

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  21. #2133
    First Team jinxy lilywhite's Avatar
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    As I sat in my armchair I shouted to the wife ! .... "wAs I sat in my armchair I shouted to the wife ! .... "when I die, im going to leave everything to you dear"...she shouts back, "you already do you lazy *******"
    Long Live King Kenny

  22. #2134
    First Team jinxy lilywhite's Avatar
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    I always remember my history teacher at school calling me a ****ing stupid **** in front of the whole class......

    He made me feel just like General Custer at the Battle of Sterlingrad in 1972


    Long Live King Kenny

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  24. #2135
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    As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the* **WORK POO* is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

    *CROP DUSTING* -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

    *FLY BY* -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a* **FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    *ESCAPEE* -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
    of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    *JAILBREAK* -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    *COURTESY FLUSH* -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the* **WALK OF SHAME.*

    *WALK OF SHAME* -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the* **COURTESY FLUSH*.

    *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER* -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

    *THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify **SAFE HAVENS.**

    *SAFE HAVENS* -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender entering the bathroom.

    *TURD BURGLAR* -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    *CAMO-COUGH* -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an* **ASTAIRE*.

    *ASTAIRE* -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

    *WATERMELON* -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    *HAVANAOMELET* -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    *UNCLE TED* -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

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  26. #2136
    Capped Player SkStu's Avatar
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  28. #2137
    Seasoned Pro Paddyfield's Avatar
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    Fabio Capello's resignation is the second time in less than a month that an Italian has jumped ship.
    Nobody knows us, we don't care

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    I won a radio phone in competition today and the prize was either 50 Euro cash or 2 tickets for a local Elvis Presley tribute act gig,I didn't know whether to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show....

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  31. #2139
    First Team jinxy lilywhite's Avatar
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    Definition of pressure:

    A wife, a mistress and a mortgage.

    All one month late……
    Long Live King Kenny

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  33. #2140
    First Team Stevo Da Gull's Avatar
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