Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Deckydee]

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future


They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona

[magicman]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"


Spent $40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some b*stard's sent me a magnifying glass


Under new E.U. law the word "kn*cker" is no longer politically correct.
They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travelers) or C.*.N..T.S. for short.


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world.

[SkStu]

[SkStu]

The grim reaper payed a visit to the house last night,
I had to beat him away with a vacuum cleaner,
Talk about dyson with death

[SkStu]

My new party trick......I swallow two pieces of string, and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together.

Seriously,...........i sh1t you knot!!

[BonnieShels]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death

The grim reaper payed a visit to the house last night,
I had to beat him away with a vacuum cleaner,
Talk about dyson with death

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

[SkStu]

oh.... my bad.... i simply thought MagicMan had given the grim reaper a hand job...

[BonnieShels]

Well it wasn't a blow job. Don't think Dyson's gave that as an option.

[Deckydee]

Ha Ha!

[Deckydee]

Attachment 1828

Indeed

[SkStu]

[SkStu]

Bipolar.com seems to be down.

Oh, no sorry, it's back up again.

[magicman]

Considering the year that's in it.......

2012.jpg

[magicman]

THE TAX MAN

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The
IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
Loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he
could come in here and **** all over an IRS official's desk and that
you'd be happy about it.

[magicman]

Words Women Use
FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD.

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

[strangeirish]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[the 12 th man]

Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anthony Worrall, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?
"Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun and I have £2.74 left over".

[jinxy lilywhite]

What's red and white and gets ****ed by swans?

Arsenal

[strangeirish]

Went to a mate's wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me
"Jaysus, that bride is fierce ugly".

"Do you mind!? That's MY DAUGHTER you're talking about!".

"I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father".

"I'm not. I'm her mother!"...Oops

[SkStu]

Why was the tumble dryer laughing? Because the washing machine was taking the p!ss out the knickers.