Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**osarusan** · 21/07/2010, 4:22 PM

There are only 3 kinds of people; those who can count and those who can't.

**Real ale Madrid** · 26/07/2010, 11:35 AM

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration... 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

**osarusan** · 27/07/2010, 3:35 PM

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

- I don't know and I don't care.

**Lev Yashin** · 29/07/2010, 12:28 PM

I went to a night class for Fonzy impersionations.

I just got my results...
I got straight eeeeeyyyyyy's!

**Deckydee** · 12/08/2010, 10:57 AM

Paddy and his friends are at a bar, and there is a prize to be won for the person who gives the best toast. Paddy takes the win by saying, "heres to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife."
Later Paddy goes home and wakes up his wife and goes, "look, wife, I've won a prize for the best toast!"
The wife says,"what did you say?"
"Ummm...spending the rest of me life in church!"
"Thats sweet" the wife smiles.
A couple of days later Paddy and his wife are out, and they see one of Paddys friends from the bar.
He says," congrats on winning Paddy!"
The wife kisses Paddy on the cheek,"He is so sweet"
Paddys mate goes,"Aye, but did he tell you what he won it for?"
"Yeah, but to be honest I was very surprised...he's only been there twice!The first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him behind the ears to make him come!"

------------------------------------------------

After spending a night in a hotel I went to the reception desk.

The receptionist said, "Can I check you out sir?"

I said, "Go for it, I hope you like what you see".

**Ciaran W** · 14/08/2010, 1:37 AM

Ive just been sent home from work early.
Apparently, having a 'dress down day' for the pakistan flood appeal does not justify showing up in a lifejacket, flippers and water wings.

**Ciaran W** · 15/08/2010, 1:26 PM

Fifa president Sepp Blatter has come under more critism about goal line technology, this time from his wife
''i know how they feel, ive been asking him if it was in or not for years'' said his wife.

**Ciaran W** · 16/08/2010, 1:16 PM

Ive always wanted to punch Michael Buble around, but i just havent met him yet !

**John83** · 16/08/2010, 6:52 PM

Originally Posted by Ciaran W

Ive just been sent home from work early.
Apparently, having a 'dress down day' for the pakistan flood appeal does not justify showing up in a lifejacket, flippers and water wings.

Is it wrong that I clicked on this tab without reading the thread title, read the first sentence and thought, "Bloody Rovers fans"?

**Ciaran W** · 16/08/2010, 7:03 PM

No i guess it wouldn't be suprising from many other rovers fans

**osarusan** · 23/08/2010, 11:53 AM

List of best and worst jokes from Fringe Festival here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202

Winning joke was -

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

**Magicme** · 23/08/2010, 12:53 PM

What's invisible and smells of lettuce? A rabbit's fart.

Thank you Jake for sharing that one with me.

**Lev Yashin** · 23/08/2010, 1:02 PM

Originally Posted by osarusan

List of best and worst jokes from Fringe Festival here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202

Winning joke was -

"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

Love that one!

**Deckydee** · 24/08/2010, 10:48 AM

I did not fart. It was my balls giving my arse a round of applause.

**hula4** · 27/08/2010, 1:15 PM

i was chatting up a girl in a bar last night and i said to her "can i smell your vagina"

she said "no you cannot" slapped me in the face and walked off.

Must've been her feet

Mary Bale said it was a momentary lapse of judgement and i believe her, after all havent we all at some stage put a cat in the blue recycle bin when of course it should go into the brown compost bin

**danthesaint** · 30/08/2010, 11:17 AM

New on Channel Four!

Coming live and uninterrupted from Chile,

33 contestants,
...
4 months,

1 cave.

Dig Brother

**Lev Yashin** · 01/09/2010, 12:15 PM

What have someone from Monaghan and a pregnant cow got in common?

They are both near Cavan.

**don ramo** · 01/09/2010, 2:44 PM

gary glitter is heading for the caves of chile, hes heard there loads of mine/ors there,

**culloty82** · 03/09/2010, 1:21 PM

(With apologies to Myles na gCopaleen)

Keats had recently taken computer classes, and after mastering the basics, soon he was readily browsing the Web. Perusing the various sites available alone, he endeavoured to create his own, despite Chapman's scepticism, and focused on his interest in military history, specifically the Afrika Korps. At first, the page was a tremendous success, drawing thousands of daily hits, before eventually interest waned, and eventually dwindled to zero. Disillusioned and disheartened, Keats pulled the plug, but was far from consoled by Chapman's smug reply "It was blatantly obvious that your venture would prove a failure. I explicitly warned that you were blogging a dead force!"