Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[strangeirish]

Blonde's answer on a Geometry test..................

[paul_oshea]

what did the windmill say to robert de niro?






I'm a huge fan......







what goes aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh ????










a sheep with no lips.... : quality. see OSO they are the kinda jokes you need to be telling.

[strangeirish]

what goes aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh?!

a sheep with no lips.....quality.

what goes aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh ????
a sheep with no lips.... : quality. see OSO they are the kinda jokes you need to be telling.

Maybe, but at least I don't keep telling the same joke........Can I get a touche, O Shea

[paul_oshea]

ya but they are funny so i think they deserved to be told again.

and if you look closesly the jokes are different!!!

[strangeirish]

ya but they are funny so i think they deserved to be told again.

and if you look closesly the jokes are different!!!

They are. The second one looks like you were having an epileptic fit as you were typing!

[paul_oshea]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she was
already dating someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he
went up to her and said "I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me
have sex with
you" ...but the girl said NO. Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the
money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick
it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult
her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very
fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and
accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting
for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls
and asks what happened......

She said ''The ******* used coins''

[strangeirish]

Ha Ha Ha........excellent!

[strangeirish]

The phone rings in a blonde's house. "Hello".

"Yes, this is A1 Glass amd Window Company".

"Okay".

"We've sent you a bill for your new windows and are still awaiting payment".

"I'm confused. Your salesman said these double-paned windows would pay for themselves in a year, so I waited".

[DmanDmythDledge]

Ah Jayzus = Oh God
Stall it = Would you guys please wait a second??
Let's stall it = Lets go now
Deadly buzz = This is fun
Howiya boss = How are you??
What's da storrie = Any news??
Pass me da bleedin' duthchy = Could you please pass me that can of rat's ****??
Savage tunes = This music is exquisite
Ah Jayzus...not again = Oh look...im pregnant
Batter burgar 'n' chips = Fine dining
She's a ****in' lash = That female is very atractive
Pay day = The dole
Boat shoes = Dubes
Posho = a very well spoken human being
Do ya want your go?? = I am getting ready 2 fight you
You're poxie = You are not a nice person
Antooooooooo = Anthony
Jasinta = Sorcha
I'm dyin' for a shmoke = I have a serious craving for a cigarette
Celtic are ****in' mental = That football team is quite good
I'll cut troo ya for a short cut = Do u want 2 tussel??
I'm gonna bleedin' kily ya = I'm going 2 dress you like a scottman
****in' deadly = Jolly good show
I shat her ou' = I just gave birth
It's an Antooooo = It's a boy
It's a Jasinta = It's a girl
Stick dat on ya = Put on that hat
Me ****in' gash is killin' me = My private parts are sore
Shut up or I'll ride ya = Hush or I might take advantage of you
Are you stallin' it to spin = I am 10 years old
Will ya scare her?? = Do you want STD's??
She's a slag = She can be easy
Do ya wanna turn?? = Do you find my friend attractive??
Storrie young fella?? = Hello young person
I'll give ya a blow for a shmoke = I'll let you deface me for a cigarette

[strangeirish]

What is the difference between a woman's track team and a tribe of pigmies?

Answer: The pigmies are a group of cunning runts.

[W.R.F.C]

The phone rings in a blonde's house. "Hello".

"Yes, this is A1 Glass amd Window Company".

"Okay".

"We've sent you a bill for your new windows and are still awaiting payment".

"I'm confused. Your salesman said these double-paned windows would pay for themselves in a year, so I waited".

very good

[Dublin12]

Why did Niall Quinn buy Sunderland?


Cos his young nephew asked for a cowboy outfit for his birthday

[DmanDmythDledge]

1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz pals' Danny Baker and Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit... boots included.

2) When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the nurse: "Church Of England."

3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand "a go" on a workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded the pavement to the amusement of shoppers.

4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss his big-money move to the Italian club, was quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that he reminded him of Bud Abbot.

5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the splendid idea of augmenting team line-ups with film of each player mouthing his own name. Gascoigne's genius led him to subvert the process by, instead, mouthing 'F***ing W***ker'. The BBC had to use it all the way through the tournament.

6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate Tony Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.

7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a message for England's upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, "Yes. F**k off Norway." Then ran off laughing.

8) Turned up for England training the morning after then-manager Bobby Robson had called him "daft as a brush" with a floor brush sticking out of his sock.

9) When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio, burped enthusiastically into a TV microphone. He was fined £39,000.

10) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive hair extensions. Looked a fool and had them taken out a day later.

11) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts implants, sent flowers to the hospital after the operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton'.

12) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a double-decker in London's Piccadilly Circus and asking if he could have a drive. The bus driver said yes, and the passengers thoroughly enjoyed Gazza's impromptu performance.

13) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for Vinnie Jones after the infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet brush in return.

14) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with a 'girl' he knew to be a transvestite.

15) Has taken the p*** out of refs constantly during his career. On one occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while he was holding his hand high to signal a free kick.

16) Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza again tried to prove that refs have a sense of humour by yellow-carding the referee after the official had dropped his card during a Rangers v Hibs game. He was booked for his troubles.

17) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab controversy' which spelled the beginning of the end of his England career, assured reporters that his doner-munching antics following Middlesbrough's promotion to the Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before France 98. One reporter asked: "What do you feel like now?" Back came the inevitable response: "I feel like a kebab with onions."

18) As an apprentice desperate to impress then-Newcastle boss Jack Charlton, spent a week's money on fishing gear and begged the famous angler to give him a lesson. On arrival at the riverbank, Charlton promptly threw all but the rod out into the briny, then poured a bottle of Newcastle Brown into the water, dipped in the rod and within seconds was pulling out a whopper. Lesson over.

19) As 'perk' of boot-cleaning duties during his apprenticeship, took Kevin Keegan's Golas home to show his mates. But left them on the Newcastle Underground.

20) When playing for England against Belgium in Italia 90, ridiculed Enzo Scifo as he lay on the ground clutching his leg. Gazza thought he was play-acting, so did a mime of his own which involved hopping on one leg with his tongue lolling out.

21) His attempt to jet off to Libya with Middlesbrough for a post-season tour was hampered by the fact he'd left his passport at home. An emotional Gazza wept at the check-in desk until a minion was despatched to bring it to the airport.

22) Celebrated his new-found hero status after flying home from Italia 90 by wearing a huge pair of fake plastic boobs and stomach bearing the legend 'Gazza'.

23) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA, pretended he could speak Danish. When invited to demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's Swedish Chef.

24) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie after he'd scraped out the filling and replaced it with cat excrement.

25) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing nothing but his training socks and ordered lunch.

26) Paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his home town of Dunston, then told the shop owner to spend the change on sweets for local kids.

27) Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms Hotel in Woburn with a few of his Geordie mates, decided to place his erect member on the shoulder of a diner at the next table. Thinking someone had tapped him on the shoulder the gentleman turned his head only to have Gazza's helmet prod him in the cheek.

28) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish cottage which he informed them was his new place, pretended he'd forgotten his key and knocked instead. When the door opened, told the befuddled housewife inside that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to know if she preferred Daz or Omo.

29) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's training ground and caused £310,000 worth of damage.

30) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping team-mate Richard Gough.

31) Handed £1000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after betting that the burly boozer couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's heat on the bridge of his nose for five seconds. Jimmy could. Twice.

32) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to find a new interest. Picked bingo.

33) Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man."

34) Stuck his tongue out when the TV cameras panned past him during the national anthem at Italia 90.

35) Prepared for England matches during that hugely important tournament by playing marathon games of tennis in the scorching midday sun.

36) Thought it would be appropriate to wear a blue fright wig before the 1991 FA Cup Final.

37) In his time, has agreed to dress as a Roman centurion, a clown, Oliver Hardy and Braveheart for 'photo opportunities'. 38) While his Italia 90 team-mate was the hero of Hillsborough, marched into a Sheffield barbers and demanded "a Waddle cut".

39) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came down to finalise the deal with a bunch of his Geordie mates. They took over the posh hotel in Hadley Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and wreaked havoc. Gazza met then-chairman Irving Scholar and began talks by saying, "We'd like to thank you for the best three days of our lives."

40) Asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London after guests were treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies swimming across the duck pond.

41) On his first night in Rome after signing for Lazio, gave his minder the slip, put his shoes by an open window and hid in a cupboard. The minder thought he'd committed suicide.

42) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and signed off with a cheery "Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers".

43) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking for silence, then farting at ear-splitting volume.

44) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious about the number 13 that he couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and 9 together. Oddly, the combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK.

45) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani suit "for a laugh".

46) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across its golf course in his four-wheel drive Jeep.

47) While reputation preceded him in Italy, the English language did not. Hence, his Lazio debut was marked by a banner which read: 'Gazza's Boys, We Are Here. Shake Your Women And Drink Your Beer'.

48) Conversely, rival Italian supporters once hailed him with a banner which stated bluntly: 'Paul Gazza, You Are Fat Poofta'.

49) After being sent off while playing for Lazio, shook hands with virtually every member of the Genoa side.

50) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told there was no bacon for breakfast. Replied, "What, all the sheep in this country and there's no bloody bacon!"

[strangeirish]

Subject: Chinese Wedding Night

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is
not too experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the
sheets as her husband undresses He climbs in next to her and tries to be
reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yoo firss time and you berry fwighten. I
pwamis yoo, I gib yoo anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss ask...Anyting
yoo wan. Whatchoo wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try someping I
have hear about... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he queries...

"Yoo wan... Chicken wiff Broccori?

[strangeirish]

Couple of funny pics......

[First]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a
>
> > >most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A
>
> > >long
> > >
> > >black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
> > >feet
>
> > >behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
> > >walking
>
> > >a big German Shepherd Dog on a leash.
> > >
> > >Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man
>
> > >couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
>
> > >walking the dog.
> > >
> > >I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to
> > >disturb
>
> > >you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you
>
> > >walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?
> > >
> > >The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"
> > >
> > >"What happened to her?"
> > >
> > >The man replied " My dog attacked and killed her."
> > >
> > >He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
> > >
> > >The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
>
> > >when the dog turned on her."
> > >
> > >A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
>men.
> > >
> > >
> > >"Can I borrow the dog?"
> > >
> > >"Join the queue"

[DmanDmythDledge]

1 star hangover



No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.



You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.



However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara .



Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.








2 star hangover



No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.



The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full Irish breakfast.



Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.








3 star hangover



Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.



Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am .



Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.



You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.











4 star hangover



You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.



Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.



You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.



Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.



You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.



You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.








5 star hangover



You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.



Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.



You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.



Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.



You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.



Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.





6 star hangover



You arrive home and climb into bed.



Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.



You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.



You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.



No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.



You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.



After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.



If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.



You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.



Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.



With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.



You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.



It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.



You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.



Work is simply not an option.



The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.



You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.



OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!



Thought so!!

[drinkfeckarse]

The miracle of toilet paper


Fresh from a shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead
of telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Puzzled but willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet
paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her
breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks .

He replies, "They will grow larger over a period of years,"

She stops . "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"

"Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

[Peadar]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What in the name of god are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
"...And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this..... )

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She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

[Ash]

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is
taking a stroll down his local town.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye:
"Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World and the sounds that they
make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make.
I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step
into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the
earphones. Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces,
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make
and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm very sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the
booth again, I can play you have another track."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps
back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't
understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the
sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into
the booth again, you could hear another track."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make
steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly
agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make
and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,
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"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

Boom Boom!