dunno if this really fits into this "humor" forum...

**jbrazil** · 10/12/2001, 5:50 PM

depends on your sense of humour!

i found it funny anyway!

a polar bear walks in to a pub, and says to the barman "i'll have a pint of guinness .. .............. .......... ........ and a pint of heineken." to which the barman replies "whats with the big pause?"

**jbrazil** · 10/12/2001, 6:55 PM

There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was so the first priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"
The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the Ten Commandments, and when you get to "Thou shall not steal" someone will confess to the crime."
The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the one priest said.
The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."

**jbrazil** · 10/12/2001, 6:58 PM

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

* For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
* Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
* Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
* Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
* Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
* The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
* New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
* The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
* Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
* GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
* Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.
* You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

**jbrazil** · 10/12/2001, 7:06 PM

Boy: Dad, what's politics?
Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?
Boy: I still don't understand dad.
Dad: Think about it for a while son. That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him. The next day...
Son: Dad I understand politics now.
Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.
Son: The management is screwing the working class while the governments fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of ****!

**CityRant** · 10/12/2001, 7:07 PM

Any chance of some current few jokes and not whats being going round Email for the last 3 years...

**jbrazil** · 10/12/2001, 8:43 PM

calm down city rant! post some "funny" jokes yourelf, and dont read any ones i post if you're getting sleepy!!

**Gary** · 21/12/2001, 10:14 PM

Back in the wild wild west, a dog walks into a saloon(wearing a sheriif badge and a 3 gallon hat for effect). He has got a bit of a limp. All the customers turn around and look at him. He looks like he means business. He then approaches the bar, and says :-
I'm looking for the man who shot my PAW!!!
(cue drum roll)

i dunno, i think it funny but probably better when told in person.
(in fact if i meet any of you, i'll tell you the 'niggerc*ck one - best joke ever).