Beecher Networks - Web Development, Hosting & Domains
Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: The Adventures of Dundalk Man

  1. #1
    Capped Player SkStu's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    13,932
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    3,354
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    4,782
    Thanked in
    2,612 Posts

    The Adventures of Dundalk Man

    hey lads,

    this was posted on our messageboard. Not sure if it has made its way to your mb yet... Pretty funny stuff.

    Found this on my drive ... Dated 2003. Gas.




    Adventures of Dundalk man, continued...........

    How the buck are you, and hows it goin der hey. Jus wantin te keep yeh all up ta date on the biggest club in loude - the lilliewides, Dundaaalk. Yes the brilliantist team in the county, we did win the buckin Cup a couple a seasons ago so we did and wore still livin on the glorie.

    Last Thursday the buckin hill men from Donegal came to Boriel. No I know youse buckin Drawda lads are always slaggin uz buy sayin der is only one man an his dog ah ha game in boriel. Well yis can stick it up yousser holes cause there were three lads and bout four dogs ah the game, so der. Oh an a couple a hundret hillmen.

    Had ta walk to the buckin game dis week cos me licence was takin offa me by the buckin gards (free state hooers). Jus cause I was locked ouh ha me tree drivin home from the game again drawda in Navan. Da bucks me up for goin to the markeh in Fairyhouse dis weekend, buck it I jus got me hands on a loada immataysion man u jerseys. I’m gona be stuck wid dem nooow, cause every oder hooer from Jonesborough will be sellin dem and I’ll be left wid a shed load of the buckin tings. Aah well I’ll jus have ta live on me dole monie dis week. Dem hooers in the Social welfare are givin me a buckin right grillin at the moment abouh how I can afford a car (Capri) and a van (hiace), I told dem ta buck off an mine der own buckin bisness.

    Anyway back to de game, we scored earlie on – the buckin place went mental. Now wen I say mental, the oul fellas wore clappin and the dogs was barkin, buh das mental by boriel standards. Den the rest a de lads came in, Paddy, Eamo, Mickey an Mickies liddle bruther. Mickies liddle brudder is jus ouha castlerea jail fur membership of da ‘boys’. He’s a mad liddle hooer even by standards in Muirhevna Mòr. All the lads were buckin raygin da dey missed de goal, de game was on ten minites we wore all tryin to tink of the last goal da we scored in boriel. Next ting we new it was de eitiet eightieiteth 80th minit of de game an dem buckin hillmen equilis eqiluised scored. We wore buckin hoppin mad cos we wore all da deep in taught da we missed de buckin goal.

    Dis wos war. Losin too games in a row is not buckin on, so we started a riet. We trun tings a dem buckin hillmen in de stands. Den mickies liddle bruther hopped de fence and started layin inta dem hillmen. Me, paddy, mickey an eamo wore tryin ta hop de fence as well buh are harp (beer) bellies wore getin in de way. I ripped me knew ellesse shell suit and I was raygin. The buckin gards kem flyin in an arrested mickies liddle bruther, that’s buckin justice for you, dem hillmen starhed it and mickies liddle bruther gets arrested, disgraceful.

    On the way home we stopped ah Mullen’s chipper, I coudent go in cos I’m barred. Paddy, Mickey an Eamo went in an I waited around de corner. A coupla hillmen came past in Finn Harps jerseys, I taught I was in fur a hiddin, but dey walked past an said howya. I don’t know whas rong with other supporters, if da was me an the lads an one harps lad we’ed a kicked twenty buckin colors a ****e out of him. Some a dee’s other teams don’t have real supporters like uz.

    The lads wore buckin ages in the chipper, wen dey came back Paddy gave me me chips. Dey wore covered in a kinda white stuff. Paddy said der was a promotion on in the chipper an dey wore givin away free mayanaise. Doesn’t sound like mullen’s te me, mean hooers. Anyway I ate me chips, buck lovely dey wore, dey lads wore giggling while I was eatin. Paddy kept askin do I spit or swallow, I haddn’t a buckin clue wat he was on abouh so I just laffed. All dis was followed by a night of drinkin in deh Muirheavna Inn, were wud you get it.

    Dundaaaalk til I die.







    Adventures of Dundalk man, episode 3.

    The trip to de big smoke!

    Right. It was time for action. Two games intada season and no buckin wins yeh. Last Friday saw us away ta Dublin ****ty, the oney team in the first division wid less supporters dan us. We had to buckin win, but, true to form – we didn’t. Heres the storie of us Dundaalk lads an our trip to de big smoke.

    Up earlie today as dem buckin hoores in the social welfare are still buckin askin questions about me Capri an me Hiace an me two holidays a year in Santa Ponsa (or Muirheavna Ponsa as we call it round here). Dey also wanna no how I can afford the luvely stained glass windas in me house an how I can afford to keep the horse I have in de front gardin. I had ta be in der offices for 9 o’clock dis morning, buckin 9am, thats a mad buckin hour for a Dundaalk man to be outhada sack. Jaysus I didin get in til about 4 dis morning as we wore bringin a load a green diesel up to Crossmaglen and cumin back with a trailer fulla sheep. Dem lads from Cross was slaggin us as we wore loadin the sheep, dey kept askin us were we settin up a brothel in Dundalk. It wasn’t buckin funnie, my sister works in a brothel, so comparin her to a sheep was a bit out of order.

    Anyway yer won in de Social walfare says I’ll have ta sign off de dole or explain where I’m getting me monie. She said der is an allegaysion of me workin on a stall in Jonesborough market, I tole her ta buck off and da I was self-unemployed. To cut a long storie short der givin me a month to prove how I got all me stuff or der cuttin me dole off. *******s.

    After all dah, I was in no mood for the trip ta Dublin. I met de lads (you know dem by now – Paddy, Mickey an Eamo) in the Windsor for a couple a scoops before headin off. Posh buckin place dat Windsor, wouldn’t be my cuppa tea – you know me I’m only cumfortable in a place that has a bit a dried blood on de floor from last nights fight and a fierce smell a **** outhada jacks.

    Jumped onto the bus with a coupla slabs a harp to quench the turst on de way to Dublin. Cumin down Tullyesker hill we wore all getting ready for drivin through buckin Drawda. Paddy had spent all morning goin round Ard Easmuinn collectin dog ****, so as soon as we hit Drawda we started trowin it at people on the streets. It was hard to hit people when the bus was movin but we had plenty of success when the bus stoped at traffic lights and we managed to hit a few school children waitin for der school bus. They wore cryin and we wore laffin, yeh can’t beat a bit of craic with de lads. When de **** ran out we starhed moonin out de winda. I’m not jokin yeh, Eamo has the hairiest arse I ever seen, all the hairs are matted together. The bucker must never wash himself, I wash meself once a week with out fail, so der. A bus fulla pensioners on a day trip pulled up beside us and we all dropped the tracksuit bottoms, gas craic, me jaws wore hurtin with the laffin. One man at a pedestrian crossin started roarin abuse at us for what we was doin, he even gave us the finger. Jus goes to prove what I always said, der all scum in Drawda.

    After Drawda we broke out de samwitches. Dey didn’t taste to good with our hands covered in dog ****, but never mind. The Harp will kill any bacteria in the ould stomach.

    We hit Dublin and straight into the ground. When I say straight into the ground I really mean we had no luck getting inta about four pubs so we bucked off to the match. I’m not jokin yeh I never seen such a **** crowd, even worser than boriel. If it wasn’t for the huge travlin support ( der would have only been about 10 at de game. Anyway I’m not goin to go into detail about de match cause we wore ****e. I have a tearie that that blue **** Anderson is getting paid by the orangies up the north and the scum in Drawda to keep loosin. That way dey can all laff at us.

    Bailed out of the ground after the game in de worst a form. Things wore to get worser. The buckin bus driver bucked off without us. He left a note with the steward outside the ground, it said “you can make your own way home, I never had such a bunch of animals and scumbags in my bus before. No wonder you had to hire a bus from Carrickmacross, I have since found out that no bus company in Louth will carry you. You can all **** off and never attempt to ring my company again. p.s. I am keeping your deposit to pay for the cleaning of the dog **** off the seats.” Well that’s the last time I’ll ring that **** to carry us Dundaalk supporters, ungrateful *******.

    After that we had to get a bus into de city and get a bus from busaras to Dundaalk. Mickey new were it was cos he was in it last week when his brother was back up in the high court. It was all hours when we got back to dundaalk, all de pubs wore shut. A buckin crap day and a buckin crap result, aah well we should be used to it by now.

    See yis next week.

  2. Thanks From:


  3. #2
    Capped Player SkStu's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    13,932
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    3,354
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    4,782
    Thanked in
    2,612 Posts
    Dundaalk man v dept of social welfare

    I gettin a bit ****ed off wid this crap now so I am. Four games an only two buckin points. Them buckin hooers in Drawda must be ****in demselves. I’m stickin to me teary that dem Drawda hooers and the orangies up de north are payin Anderson to buck things up for us, jus so dey can all have a good laff. Well nowon here’s laffin, right.

    Last weeks game was a buckin disaster from start to finish, playin Athlone, the only team in the leage that are worser than us. What happens, we were lucky to get a buckin draw, it embarrisn.

    Anyway I’ll get back to de match report later, I’ve a lot ta tell you, der has been loads buckin happenin. First of all I had ta sign off the dole cos the buckers in the social reviewed me case and said I had to sign off imeediatley. I can’t even work in Jonesborough or Fairyhouse markets cos der on to me, Paddy is fillin in for me on the stall but I don’t trust the hooer. He’d rob his own granny, in fact he has robed his own granny, several times. So all I’m doin this week in workin in Johnny McArdles shed copyin CD’s an DVD’s, an putting fake Celtic jersies into boxes, it’s buckin borin. Still it’s bringin in a few bob to make up for not havin any dole and the money Paddy is liftin from me stall. I’ll get even with Paddy don’t worry, I still havn’t forgotten what he did to me chips a few weeks ago. Unfortunatley he’s the only one I can ask to do de stall as all the other lads are noen to the gards, and with the amount a gear on me stall dats smuggled or pirate I can’t take de chance.

    Wedinsday brought some good news, me sisters pregnant! Now we’ll be able to claim unmarried muders for her, she might even get a house. That would be buckin great cos I need somewhere else to store me market stuff, the shed is gettin full. Ya see yeh can’t keep a good man down, I new dem buckers in the social were gonna stop me dole so I got the young fella up the rode to do the job with me sister, now we’ll be getting all sorts of goodies ofa dem. Ha Ha buck youse department of social welfare Dundaalk man wins again. Actually I had dis idea of gettin me sister pregnant when I was stuck for a few quid last year but I taut she was a bit young for it at 13. Foreteen is a much more respectable age to get pregnant in Dundaalk, at least de naybours wont be talkin.

    The buckin smile was wiped of me face on Thursday mornin, the gards stoped me cos I had no tax on the Capri. Buckin hell I had to go to the council ofices and pay me tax on the car, to make matters buckin worse I had to pay two years back tax cos it hasn’t been taxed since 2001. I was in the worst of buckin form after dat. Den I went to the match dat night to watch that crap.

    We wore dead sure of ourselfs before de game. Athlone are playin crap dis year so surley de famous lilywhites could beat dem. What happens? – dem hooers score and go one up, me an the lads was sick. I was busy roarin abuse ah dat fat bucker Paul Byrne for not doin enough on the pitch, den Eamo pointed out dat Byrne was on the bench, very embarrisn. We got a goal later on in de game but I missed it cos I was outside checkin if anybody had left der cars unlocked.

    All in all a bad week but lukin forward to bein a uncle (or there again it could be a girl). Lillywhites forever.








    Dundaalk man does his bit for cross border relations....

    I felt a right stupid bucker sittin on de steps in Boriel on Saturday nite. I lucked like a tit coz the lads decided to shave me eyebrows off on the way home from Galway last week. I've been getting strange lucks from people when I'm walkin up the town. I even had a little try at cuttin off some a me pubes and stickin them on to me eyebrows wid glue, that looked even worser, an it was a **** te get off.

    Anyway, back to Boriel. The only reason I went to de game lookin like I did was coz I knew dat ders buck all people goin to Boriel dees days. I'm getting a bit asshamed to be a Dundaalk supporter, results are buckin crap an the standerd of play is buckin disgracefull. On the way home last week yer man Sheamus dah works in the Lisdoo Arms suggested dah we all start te follow Newry town instead, needles te say we buckin bounced the bucker off the bus an den. I tell yeh, it's a long walk from Mullingar te Dundaalk, so it is. 'Newry' me ******, I raader support dem hooers in Drawda.

    Dem hooers from Cobh were not lettin Dundaalk play the flowin Brazilian style of football dat we can play. When I pointed dis out to de lads dey just looked at me an told me te buck off, Eamo told me te take some of the ****e I was talking an put it on me eyebrows to help dem grow. Yer man Sheamus was der, (he obviously made it back from Mullingar) he was doin his usual buckin moanin an groanin. Den he says "it'll be the same next Tuesday wen another maroon an blue team come to town to show us how te play ball". Dat was it, me an the lads jumped on the moanin ******* straight away and gave him a weggie, ripped the kacks clean off him we did, gas crack, his little son was cryin but we didn't a ****. After we stopped laffin at Sheamus I started to get worried incase de lads decided te give me a weggie. I haddn't changed me jocks in a couple a days an I new for a fact der was a big skiddie up the back, not te mention the **** stains.

    Der was more chance of me winnin the lotto dan der was of Dundaalk scorin again Cobh. After the final wistle me an the lads walkin down towards Mickies house in Ard Easmuinn.
    All of a sudden dis bus come buckin tearin round de corner, knocks over a stop sign an a 'caution children' sign, den it come for us but stops just in time. I'm not jokin yeh, I'd say I had two skiddies in me kacks after dah. The door opens an it's mickies little brudder, the mad little hooer. He says it's the Cobh players bus an he's after robbin it, buckin gas, so we all hopped on. We went screamin out the blaney road an stopped at a off-licence te get some supplies. Tree trays a harp an we wore on are way again.

    we wore doin about 75 out de road, den the gards was chasin us but we tuk a quick right and headed for Crossmaglen, buck dem dey cuddin follow us into de north, ha ha. We wore ****in areselves laffin at the gards when all of a suddin the buckin RUC is onto us. Jaysus, we were flyin round an round the square in Cross doin about 50 wid a helicopter overhead shinin it's light on us. Den Mickies little brudder decides te take a quick right out the Culloville road, he keeps goin for about a mile den ploughs the buckin bus threw a hedge. We all bailed out an ran like gud things. Der was cops an helicopters an dogs an every buckin hooer in Armagh out after us. I tell yeh, it's not easy runnin from the cops when your carryin a tray a harp an tryin te finish the can yeh have. Needless te say I got cot. To make matters worser all the other lads got away, de *****. I was strip searched in Cross RUC station, a bit embarrisin with the state of me kacks, but who cares. I claimed dah I was kidnapped and was held against me will. Dey eventually release me to 'garda custody'. I had te spend the night in Dundaalk baracks before me mudder bailed me out.

    Aah, life as a Dundaalk fan, it's never boring. Dem hooers from Drawda is comin to Boriel for the cup on Tuesday. Me an the lads have been planning a little welcome party. Ha Ha Ha (Evil laff).

  4. #3
    Biased against YOUR club pineapple stu's Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2002
    Location
    In the long grass
    Posts
    38,099
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    2,663
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    4,893
    Thanked in
    3,197 Posts
    Was this in some fanzine back in the day? Vaguely rings a bell. Obvious options are the Bohs one (1984) or the Drogs one (Forza Drogs)

  5. #4
    Reserves WindmillWarrior's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Drogheda
    Posts
    673
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    124
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    23
    Thanked in
    18 Posts
    Quote Originally Posted by pineapple stu View Post
    Was this in some fanzine back in the day? Vaguely rings a bell. Obvious options are the Bohs one (1984) or the Drogs one (Forza Drogs)
    It was in the Forza Drogs fanzine alright, but they actually predate the fanzine a bit and were originally just stuck on a message board (probably one of the old network54 ones!!).
    Dundalk 1 - "the worst team to ever play in the premier" 2 :D

Similar Threads

  1. The Awesome Adventures of Cool Dog
    By Mr A in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 191
    Last Post: 12/02/2023, 8:23 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •