Ireland in 2014

**max power** · 12/01/2004, 2:23 PM

It's July 2014 - and John Gilligan emerges from behind the open gates of 'Mosney Open Prison For Drug Dealers And Former TDs'. Awaiting the now 68-year-old drug baron after two decades behind bars is the Ireland of the future.

Smoking has been banned for almost 10 years following the Great Pub Wars of 2004 - when barmen, punters and Gardai (supported by Special Branch and the military) fought pitched battles outside hostelries throughout the land.

Drinking alcohol in a public house has also been outlawed - along with cursing and talking to members of the opposite sex to whom you are not legally married.

As Gilligan goes in search of his first pint in years, he can only find bars full of miserable punters, slumped over de-caff Guinness Light underneath big portraits of Micky "Big Brother" McDowell.

The trip back into Dublin City Centre is made difficult by ongoing LUAS works and the four mile long collapsed trench that once was the Dublin Port Tunnel. But Transport Minister Seamus Brennan Jnr is still vowing to "finish the work his dad started".

Cigarettes may have been outlawed years ago but cannabis is now fully legalised - so long as you don't mix it with evil tobacco. A new generation of drug lords have reacted accordingly - and the
street value of smuggled 'Nicorette' patches has soared well past the �70 mark.

An Taoiseach Ronan Keating, TD, has promised to stamp out the menace of nicotine addiction - just as soon as Gardai and the Irish Defence Forces (all 75 of them - the rest are on peacekeeping duties in Bosnia-Herzegovina, Kosovo, Macedonia, Liberia, Sierra Leone, the Congo, Algeria, Iraq, Iran, Syria, Afghanistan, Burma, Kashmir and North Korea) sort out the ongoing gangland feuds that have led the FSE (Federal States of Europe) to officially mark Limerick as a "severe calamity zone".

As a bemused John Gilligan gazes at the ruins of the G.P.O - virtually flattened when the Spike fell over for the fourth time in March 2009 - he reflects on an Ireland that has changed, changed utterly. He grabs a passing newsboy and asks the one question that was troubling him most in his years of isolation:

"...C'mere kid! Has Dublin won the All Ireland yet?..."

**the scout** · 12/01/2004, 3:07 PM

2014 and jackie charlton is sensationally reappointed as manager of the national team with captain fantastic micko as his second in command/jack pledges to bring ireland back to the glory days to"put them under pressure""no stone will be left unturned" said big jack"if i have to bring back some of the lads from italia 90 or usa 94 so be it.
"ive redefined the route one method so just you wait and see my new tactics"

**Beavis** · 12/01/2004, 3:41 PM

Roy Keane(43) releases 5th book,within claiming he is indeed a tw@t and that McCarthy had been right all along.

In other news,ex jounalist and presenter Eamonn Dunphy was rescued from the ledge of a 30 story building in the late afternoon.

**max power** · 12/01/2004, 3:43 PM

the keane civil war still won't be over and tw@ts will keep briniging it up.

**the scout** · 12/01/2004, 4:04 PM

2014 and the gaa announce the opening to croke park finally to other sports.the 1 st test cricket match between england & the west indies will be played there.there is also talk of national horse showjumping championship to be held there as the rds is unavailable this year.

**liam88** · 12/01/2004, 6:49 PM

Circket at Croke is 2014? 3014 before it's even considered!!!

Too right I say

**the scout** · 13/01/2004, 8:54 AM

im just saying those off the wall sports (for croke park) will probably get a chance before soccer ever will.

**liam88** · 13/01/2004, 5:48 PM

TBH I think that footie stands a bigger chance at Croke that Cricket-after all the GAA banned cricket as it was to British-hence the absence of it in Ireland today.

**the scout** · 14/01/2004, 1:23 PM

2014 and the m50 toll bridge proudly opens its 50 th lane going both ways,experts reckon we are still going to wait over 2 hours to cross it.

traffic in dublin city is still trying to recover after a juggernaut comming out of the port tunnell lost control and ploughed into the luas near the east link bridge causing dublin city to literally stop for two days.

ireland are made joint favourites to win euro 2014 as they are host nation and are unbeaten in their last 35 matches winning 34 and drawing the other.

**Macy** · 14/01/2004, 1:44 PM

Originally posted by liam88
TBH I think that footie stands a bigger chance at Croke that Cricket-after all the GAA banned cricket as it was to British-hence the absence of it in Ireland today.

Absence from where? There's loads of cricket teams in Ireland, and the national team is relatively successful in the ICC competitions (the level below the test playing nations).

Irish Cricket

**liam88** · 14/01/2004, 5:25 PM

Fair play to ya, so you like cricket eh?
When I went to a Prodestant school in England for a wee while I got a couple o' caps for the team, literally. Think we won once and then lost to the local Catholic school hehe.
Wouldn't say it's meh favourite of sports-probably one of my least. Incredibly boring to watch, give me Soccer, Hurling or Gaelic football any day

**liam88** · 14/01/2004, 10:13 PM

Originally posted by max power
peacekeeping duties in ..... Burma

Chance'd be a fine thing. Meh dad's from Burma, escaped when the millaterry w**kers took over.
Any international; support would be greatly appreciated, we been campaigning for it for years so mabye by 2014.......
(though hopefully the NLD will have regained control by then).
There isn't a war in Burma, just an opressive regeime.

**the scout** · 15/01/2004, 2:24 PM

year 2014 and northern ireland finally score a goal, team manager roddy collins says"i know we got beat 6, 1 but hey a goal is a goal""although its taken us twelve years to score i think we were very unlucky in about 35 of our matches, we just didnt get the rub of the green."

**max power** · 15/01/2004, 2:42 PM

athlone town announce that their new stadium will be ready in two years time, when they will then shift focus to coming back up to the premier division,

bray will still be lookin for a 22 team league and drogs will still be in realationships with sheep and other animals.

the lord mayor of dublin smiley bulger will announce a no bus day so all car tax paying indivuals can use the tar mac they actually pay for.

the flood tribunal will move into its second phase lookin into fromer minister michael mcdowells payments that he recieved from the german nazi party.

tv3 will still be sh*t ( nuff said there )

rathmines will offically not be in dublin anymore and will renamed culchieville, drumcondra will now ask minister for local government to push there proposal to be liberated from the pale through the dail.

roy keane & mick mccarthy appear on dr phil to talk through there differences, it all ends with a hug and roy admitting that he was jealous and thought mick liked jason mcateer more.