A new game for all you smokers

**Sheridan** · 23/01/2009, 3:44 PM

I devised this whilst watching victims of this singular affliction flitting in and out of the building for a smoke. Something to take your mind off the cold and tedium. I call it...

HEALTH WARNING TOP TRUMPS

All smokers present gather in a circle and produce their respective packets, concealing the health warning with their free hands. A suitably inoffensive rendition of eeny-meeny-miny-moe determines who will go first.

After examining your own warning, you eye up your competitors and select the one you feel you have the best chance of trumping.

The winner of each round is the player whose warning is both direst (i.e., ideally mentions death directly) and/or most relevant to the individual. A life-threatening condition almost always beats a non-life-threatening one.

The hierarchy of warnings, in descending order of value, is as follows:

"Smoking can cause a slow and painful death"
"Smoking causes fatal lung cancer"
"Smoking clogs the arteries and causes heart attacks and strokes"
"Smoking when pregnant harms your baby"
"Stopping smoking reduces the risk of fatal heart and lung diseases"
"Smoking may reduce the blood flow and cause impotence"
"Smoking can damage the sperm and decreases fertility"
"Smoke contains benzene, nitrosamines, formaldehyde and hydrogen cyanide"
"Protect children: don�t make them breathe your smoke"
"Smoking causes ageing of the skin"
"Smoking is highly addictive, don�t start"
"Get help to stop smoking: Callsave Quitline 1850 201 203"

The game proceeds in a winner-stays-on format until only one player remains.

Bear in mind that even a relatively weak hand, however, can be a winner if closely suited to its holder. For example, "Smoking causes ageing of the skin" usually beats anything up to "Stopping smoking reduces the risk of fatal heart and lung diseases"" if the bearer is prematurely wrinkled.

There are two almost unbeatable hands in the game. The first is "Protect children: don't make them breathe your smoke" carried by a person with a child in tow. This can only be beaten by "Smoking when pregnant harms your body" in the hands of a pregnant player, or, in one exceptional case, "Smoking clogs the arteries and causes heart attacks and strokes", but only if the bearer suffers a heart attack on the spot AND it's the final round. Otherwise he or she forfeits.

Have fun!