Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**joe_barry80** · 01/05/2008, 7:57 PM

What did Aryton Senna and Freddie Mercury have in common when they died?

They both had skid marks on their helmets.

**strangeirish** · 01/05/2008, 8:40 PM

A psychiatrist is on a conference call with his partners when his receptionist buzzes in on the other line.

"What is it, Alice?"

"I've got Ms. Carlson out here. She is quite distraught and is demanding to talk to you right away."

"Any idea what the problem is?"

"Well....she's huddled in the corner, claiming that she's, um, invisible."

"Tell her I can't see her right now."
__________________________________________________ ________________________________________

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting ****ed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to see her tw@t." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's ****, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run"!

**Sligo Hornet** · 02/05/2008, 10:33 AM

A broad yorkshire man went into the vets

"I've come about T cat"

Vet- " Is it A tom"?

"No ,i've got it with me".

**Sligo Hornet** · 02/05/2008, 10:37 AM

Just as Maddy Mccann was winning the world hide and seek championships, Elisabeth Fritzel raises the bar as she has been hiding 24 years!

**stojkovic** · 02/05/2008, 9:21 PM

Originally Posted by Sligo Hornet

Just as Maddy Mccann was winning the world hide and seek championships, Elisabeth Fritzel raises the bar as she has been hiding 24 years!

The McCanns have demanded a stewards enquiry claiming Elizabeth received assistance from her father.

**3 Heroes** · 03/05/2008, 11:19 AM

Originally Posted by stojkovic

The McCanns have demanded a stewards enquiry claiming Elizabeth received assistance from her father.

That might be funny if people didn't think Maddie didn't have help from her parents (allegedly)

**strangeirish** · 03/05/2008, 10:26 PM

A man and a woman who had never met before, and
were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to
the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea ," she replied.
"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied.
"Get your own friggen blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

**Magicme** · 06/05/2008, 8:13 PM

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
Small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who ask s, "What may we do for
You my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

**The Man Himself** · 11/05/2008, 10:12 AM

young boy appeared on stars in their eyes in wheelchair,
matthew kelly asked him whats you name!
boy: simon
matthew: what happened you
boy: i was in a car crash with my uncle, he died and i had my legs amputated' But they saved my uncles legs and grafted them on to me and in six months time i will be able to walk again,
matthew: thats brilliant, now tell me who are you going to be tonight,
boy: well tonight matthew im going to be..
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simon and halfuncle

**pineapple stu** · 11/05/2008, 10:18 AM

There's only a huge jokes thread already.

**The Man Himself** · 11/05/2008, 10:26 AM

Originally Posted by pineapple stu

There's only a huge jokes thread already.

where?

**thischarmingman** · 11/05/2008, 11:08 AM

http://foot.ie/showthread.php?t=1816

**dahamsta** · 11/05/2008, 11:10 AM

I wouldn't mind, but I doubt it'd qualify as joke of the hour...

**smellyfeet** · 13/05/2008, 4:10 PM

LITTLE JOHNNY: A DAY AT THE ZOO
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

**strangeirish** · 14/05/2008, 1:30 AM

Two howaya sluts walk into Brown Thomas (Dublin), they stroll up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it:

'Dat's quite nice innit, don't you tink Jacinta?'.

'Yeah, what's it called?'. 'Viens a moi' 'VIENS A MOI, what the f##k does that mean?

At this stage the assistant offers some help. 'Viens a moi, ladies, is French for "come to me". Sharon, takes another sniff and offers her arm to Jacinta again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?".

**TheOwl** · 19/05/2008, 10:04 PM

Did you hear about that Australian guy who loved beer so much he used the seatbelt in the back of his car to protect a crate of beer instead of his child?

The best part is he has four ex wives and a foster child

(from Have I Got News for You)

**beirut** · 21/05/2008, 1:04 PM

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night.
They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
'Look Paddy.....there's that f ..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'