QuoteOr , did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He owned a warehouse
A lot like............Originally Posted by strangeirish
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
He wrote letters to Santa.
Extratime.ie
Yo te quiero, mi querida. Sin tus besos, yo soy nada.
Abri o portão de ouro, da maquina do tempo.
Mi mamá me hizo guapo, listo y antimadridista.
Or , did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He owned a warehouse
Is this a new dating site for Sligoman and Harps fans?...Here
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother and he told me he had the time of his life."
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Maybe I shouldn't give you some of these, but here goes:
Investment tips for 2008 For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2008.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Crack er.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.
5 . FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally .
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang
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A man walked into the women's department in a New York store and told a saleslady, that he would like to get a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B.'
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, 'What kind of bra?'
He repeated 'A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she means.'
'Ah, now I remember,' said the saleslady. 'We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.'
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, 'So, what are the differences?'
The saleslady responded. 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.'
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, 'So, what does the Jewish bra do?'
'The Jewish bra,' she replied, 'makes mountains out of molehills.'
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LOL class
A woman had been in a coma for over two years. One day the nurses were giving her a sponge bath, and when they got "down there" they saw a spike on her heart monitor.
The nurses were surprised, and tried it again to make sure. Sure enough, the same reaction.
So they got excited and called the husband down to the hospital, explaining what happened.
"We're thinking maybe a little oral sex might bring her out of the coma", they said.
The husband was skeptical, "Oral sex, are you sure, that sounds rather far-fetched"
The nurses said "No, we really think it might work, and we'll pull the curtain around the bed and give you your privacy."
So the husband relents finally, willing to do anything to try to help his wife.
He goes behind the curtain, the nurses leave the room. Just a few minutes later, the woman flat lines and the nurses come rushing back into the room, asking what happened.
The man comes out from behind the curtain, looking a little puzzled, and said "Jaysus, I'm not sure, I think she must have choked."
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
Heard a great one repeated on the radio at the moment
Goo-Goo dolls greatest hits vol 1
Inspired by the Christmas thread:
Why does Santa have such a big sack?
Cause he only comes once a year.
Extratime.ie
Yo te quiero, mi querida. Sin tus besos, yo soy nada.
Abri o portão de ouro, da maquina do tempo.
Mi mamá me hizo guapo, listo y antimadridista.
Related joke for you
Why does Santa Claus have no kids?
Cause he only comes once a year and that's down a chimney
This one might have been told already...
What does DNA stand for ??
National Dyslexic Association
"How To Cook A Turkey"
1) Go buy a turkey.
2) Take a drink of scotch whisky (Laphroiag, Lagavulin, or Caol Ila).
3) Put turkey in the oven.
4) Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
5) Set the degree at 375 ovens
6) Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
7) Turn oven the on.
8) Take 4 whisks of drinky.
9) Turk the bastey.
10) Whiskey another bottle of get.
11) Stick a turkey in the thermometer
12) Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
13) Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
14) Take the oven out of the turkey.
15) Take the oven out of the turkey.
16) Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
17) Turk the carvey.
18) Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19) Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20) Bless the saying, pass and eat out.
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
It was a small town and the policeman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car yard, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
We can't drive."
Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
If you're in the penalty area and don't know what to do with the ball, put it in the net and we'll discuss the options later
FORM IS TEMPORARY, CLASS IS PERMANENT
Q. What's the difference between Lewis Hamilton and England Football Team ?
.
.
A. Lewis Hamilton will still have a McClaren next year
Last edited by sligoman; 22/11/2007 at 4:42 PM. Reason: shorten post
Q: What's the perfect gift for the man who has everything?
A: Penicillin ....
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
.
.
A: Cough choke, gag etc !
Last edited by sligoman; 22/11/2007 at 4:42 PM. Reason: merge
The Night Before Christmas in Brooklyn
'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was strirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted
And he called dem by name
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really ****ed.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates for him. Jesus is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.
After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair and a white beard approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."
Jesus looks closely at the old man, "How would you recognise your son"?
"He has holes in his hands and feet".
Jesus wells up with emotion. He throws his arms around the old man and cries, "Joseph?"
The old man replies, "Nah, I'm Pinocchio?"
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
Shouldn't that be Gepetto, his father?
Although I appreciate "Gepetto" as the punchline doesn't have quite the same effect.
Technically, you're correct, but Gepetto was a fibber also...Shouldn't that be Gepetto, his father?
Although I appreciate "Gepetto" as the punchline doesn't have quite the same effect.
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
Possibly the way to end it might be with Jesus thinking to himself for a second then saying "Could it be? Old man, you aren't a carpenter are you?"Shouldn't that be Gepetto, his father?
Although I appreciate "Gepetto" as the punchline doesn't have quite the same effect.
"I am"
"Is that you, Step Father!"
"Pinnoccio!
That question was less stupid, though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way.
Help me, Arthur Murphy, you're my only hope!
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