Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[CollegeTillIDie]

What does the Starship Enterprise and a sheet of jacks roll have in common?




They both go around Uranus looking for Klingons

[paul_oshea]

Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
He thought it was a delivery service.


i have loads more racist and the likes, pm me if ye want them. have to say very good ones too.

[DmanDmythDledge]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can get closer to the kitchen sink.

[superfrank]

Remids me of.........

What's a woman's point of view?

The kitchen window.

[strangeirish]

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I
just won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the
mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care...Just get the f**k out!"

[Con-Con]

It's a joke you want,biggest one i know .................................................. ......is women's rights

[gustavo]

I thought this was the Jokes thread?

[strangeirish]

Teacher comes into class one day and finds a present with a note attached, T.O.T.
"Aw, that's lovely" she says. "What does T.O.T. mean?"
"To our teacher" replies a little white girl.
Next day, another present, another note with T.O.B.T.
"Aw, you guys. What does T.O.B.T. mean?"
"To our beautiful teacher" replies a little white boy.
Not to be outdone, the next day Buckwheat gets the teacher a present and attaches F.U.C.K.
The teacher seeing this is furious and wants to know now who is responsible for this and what does it mean.
Buckwheat raises his hand and proclaims, "It's just a present from us coloured kids!"

[Magicme]

A man rings in sick to his boss. Boss asks how sick is he. Man replies "I'm in bed riding my sister."

[Torn-Ado]

A teacher in a mixed school in Mississippi is giving the kids a spelling test.

Little Johnny, a white kid goes first. The teacher asks Johnny to spell Cat. Johnny says 'Cat C-A-T Cat' Very good says the teacher. Here's an apple.

Hank, another white kid, is second. 'Hank, can you spell Bat'
Hank replies 'Bat B-A-T Bat' Very good Hank, says the teacher. Heres an apple for being so good.

Leroy, a black kid is next. The teacher says:

''Leroy, can you spell 'Racial Discrimination''

[Torn-Ado]

What does WIFE stand for?

Washing, Ironing, Feeding, Etc.

Why are women **** skiers?

Theres no ski slope between the bedroom and kitchen.

Why did the woman cross the road?

Thats not the point, what the **** was she doing out of the kitchen in the first place.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

Who gives a ****, let the bitch cook in the dark.

[biscuit]

What word, that you dont like to call a black man, begins with "N" and ends in "R".......


NEIGHBOUR!!!!

[paul_oshea]

that racial discrimination one is class torn-ado. i have them in the splits here at the flat and was so good rang a mate of mine at home to tell him!!

[Bluebeard]

A man rings in sick to his boss. Boss asks how sick is he. Man replies "I'm in bed riding my sister."

[shedite]

What word, that you dont like to call a black man, begins with "N" and ends in "R".......


NEIGHBOUR!!!!

Reminds me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiLOEJgFV_k

[strangeirish]

I have just made an amazing discovery.
My dog is a locksmith!!
How did I discover this?
Well, I stuck a poker up his arse and he made a bolt for the door!

[paul_oshea]

Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day.
"May the first person come." He said

"Hello, Saint Peter." said the first person.

"State you name and tell me how you spent your life." he said.

"Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord."

"Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heav
And off the nun went.

"Next." said Saint Peter. "How did you spend your life."

"I spent my life like a normal human being." another woman said. "I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious."

"Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Pulgatory. You may go now." he said. "Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?"

"Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night." said a beautiful Girl.

"Here is a key made of Copper." he said.

"Is that the key to Hell?!"

"No, thst is the key, for my apartment

[Torn-Ado]

>>>>A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

>>>>The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

>>>>"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

>>>>"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

>>>>"I see your ears are working too", says the duck, "now can I have my

>>>>beer and my sandwich please?"

>>>>"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just that we

>>>>don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

>>>>"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

>>>>Then

>>>>the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

>>>>This continues each day for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to

>>>>town.

>>>>The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to

>>>>him,

>>>>"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just

>>>>brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

>>>>

>>>>"Sounds marvellous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call".

>>>>So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey

>>>>Mr

>>>>Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good

>>>>money!"

>>>>"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

>>>>"At the circus", says the barman.

>>>>

>>>>"The circus?" the duck enquires.

>>>>

>>>> "That's right", replies the barman.

>>>> "The circus?" the duck asks again.

>>>>

>>>> "Yes" says the barman.

>>>> "That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

>>>>

>>>>"Yeah" the barman replies.

>>>>"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

>>>>

>>>>"Of course" the barman replies.

>>>>"With the big canvas roof, with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

>>>>"That's right!" says the barman.

>>>>The duck looks confused and says, "What the f**k would they want with a

>>>>plasterer?!

[strangeirish]

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He lays awake at night and wonders if there is a Dog.

[strangeirish]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it to you.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%.
It's called Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.