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Thread: Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

  1. #1341
    First Team smellyfeet's Avatar
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    I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
    One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
    Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
    The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    why are women like clouds? eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    Whats the difference between light and hard?
    You can sleep with a light on.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
    The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
    'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
    We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a fu*king big red mark on her forehead.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky... Mine's still alive...'
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
    The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
    'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
    'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'
    --
    If you're in the penalty area and don't know what to do with the ball, put it in the net and we'll discuss the options later

    FORM IS TEMPORARY, CLASS IS PERMANENT

  2. #1342
    Youth Team sparkey's Avatar
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    Credit Crunch Christmas

    Last Christmas
    Turkey, Cranberrysauce, Champagne, Presents, Stuffing, Reindeers, Decorations, Christmastree, Selectionbox, Brusselsprouts

    This Christmas
    Crow, Strawberryjam, Buckfast, Bagofcoal/oranges, Oldnewspaper, Donkeys, Home-made bunting, Coathangers, Abox, Brusselsprouts
    The truth fears no questions...
    It's only when the tide goes out that you learn who's been swimming naked

  3. #1343
    New Signing Magicme's Avatar
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    Phew. Thank god there will still be sprouts. Yum.

  4. #1344
    New Signing Magicme's Avatar
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    This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

    The outgoing message:

    Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

    To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

    To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

    To complain about what we do - Press 3

    To swear at staff members - Press 4

    To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

    If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

    If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

    To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

    To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

    To complain about school lunches - Press 0

    If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

    If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

  5. #1345
    Reserves 6yardpunisha's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magicme View Post
    This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

    The outgoing message:

    Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

    To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

    To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

    To complain about what we do - Press 3

    To swear at staff members - Press 4

    To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

    If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

    If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

    To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

    To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

    To complain about school lunches - Press 0

    If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

    If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.
    very very good magicme
    "Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks they're not. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi". - Ian Holloway

  6. #1346
    New Signing Magicme's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 6yardpunisha View Post
    very very good magicme
    was sent to me by a teacher and am sure she appreciated it even more!

  7. #1347
    Seasoned Pro brendy_éire's Avatar
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    Was just flicking through the paper there and read that a dwarf got pickpocketed the other day. How could someone stoop so low?
    Have you ever won the treble?

  8. #1348
    Reborn thischarmingman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by brendy_éire View Post
    Was just flicking through the paper there and read that a dwarf got pickpocketed the other day. How could someone stoop so low?

    They released CCTV pictures of the suspect yesterday though.

    They were hoping someone might gnome.

  9. #1349
    Reborn thischarmingman's Avatar
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    What do a cocktail stick and Spurs have in common?

    The cocktail stick has 2 points.

  10. #1350
    FORMERLY: shannonman Lev Yashin's Avatar
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    In the news today apparently 50% of Ireland's schools are not teaching mathematics well enough,

    Doesn't sound that bad to me, still less than a quarter.
    My Goal Is To Deny Yours...

  11. #1351
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    Talking Bono the Murderer

    During a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, lead singer Bono asked the audience to remain silent. The entire audience duly obeyed and you could hear a pin drop in the stadium. Punters waited patiently to see and hear what Bono was up to and where he was going with his silence request.
    Then he slowly began to clap his hands at 5 second intervals. turning to the microphone he then announced "every time I clap my hands a child dies somewhere in the world". Then out of the blue, a loud scottish accent from the front of the crowd was heard to shout "then stop clapping you evil *******"!

    The word at the end sounds like backstard by the way!
    LESS OF THE BULL NOW!

  12. #1352
    International Prospect NeilMcD's Avatar
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    A recnet concert, U2 have not played Glasgow for years.
    In Trap we trust

  13. #1353
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    what do you call a cautious russian wasp?


    A KGB
    I'm a bloke,I'm an ocker
    And I really love your knockers,I'm a labourer by day,
    I **** up all me pay,Watching footy on TV,
    Just feed me more VB,Just pour my beer,And get my smokes, And go away

  14. #1354
    Reborn thischarmingman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NeilMcD View Post
    A recnet concert, U2 have not played Glasgow for years.
    In full...

    http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/bono.asp

  15. #1355
    Seasoned Pro brendy_éire's Avatar
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    Once upon a time a charming young man asked a beautiful young princess to marry him. She said no.
    And the young man went fishing, playing football, watching war films, eating big fries, drinking seven nights a week, laughing loudly when he farted, going on drinking holidays every month, never dressing up, and having loads of mad friends.
    And he lived happily ever after.
    Have you ever won the treble?

  16. #1356
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    brendy, dont let it get you down, plenty more fish in the sea and all that.
    I'm a bloke,I'm an ocker
    And I really love your knockers,I'm a labourer by day,
    I **** up all me pay,Watching footy on TV,
    Just feed me more VB,Just pour my beer,And get my smokes, And go away

  17. #1357
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    Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!!
    -----------------------------------
    Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could be four or five. Could be nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh – two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot
    --------------------------------------
    Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability
    --------------------------------------
    Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
    Last edited by sligoman; 29/09/2008 at 7:33 PM.

  18. #1358
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    Somebody likes Bill Bailey.
    more bass

  19. #1359
    New Signing Magicme's Avatar
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    What have Kerry and Fizz from Coronation Street got in common?


    They were both F****d by Tyrone!

  20. #1360
    First Team noby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stann View Post
    Somebody likes Bill Bailey.
    Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha....ha..........ha.........I don't get it.

    Why make Bill Bailey the butt of your joke?
    Now if you'd said 'Someone likes Alan Davies'. that would have been funny.
    Ceci n'est pas une signature

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