Beware of TOAST!!!

A huge dump full of supspected terrorist arms has been found in Nenagh co. Tipperary. Garda have found an underground tunnel leading to a darkened room where up to 200 Thermos flasks have been found. Also found were 400 rounds of live ammunition (tea bags) while a non-electric kettle and a stove were found nearby. In a separate chamber 200 loaves of slightly stale non-sliced bread, 3 pigs and 40 lbs of butter were also recovered. A
satchel with a roll of reynolds tin foil and 3 boxes of cling film were also recovered.

Gardai suspect this find to be sambo & tea making equipment used by the terrorist group known as TOAST (Tipperary Old Age Sandwiches and Thay lovers). It is thought that this equipment would have been used by
Tipperary hurling fans at Sunday's Munster Final. "Obviously we were concerned for the safety of all concerned down at Cork next Sunday" said Timmy Kayting, local sergeant. "It is a well known fact" he said, "that Limerick fans, like Cork, Kilkenny, Waterford, Clare, Offaly, Galway & Antrim fans, are civilsed & frequent restaurants & take away's at these big games." "It is also known" he said "that in general, Tipperary folk tend to eat from the boot of their cars and that is why we suspect members of TOAST for this terrorist activity."

Local business owners in Cork were last night preparing themselves for action. Cue T. Hoor owner of a local supermarket near Pairc Um Chaoimh said "I find it disgusting they are allowed to get away with this." "Last
year" he said "a man ran in here with a bag full of ham & mustard sandwiches & threatened all my customers that he was going to feed them all a sandwich against their will". "It almost caused a stampede to get out the door."

"What do we do now ?" he said.

Members of the clergy have also condemned the find. "TOAST have a lot to answer for" said Fr. Dick Long. "We in Munster love our hurling but it seems this element is always out to tarnish the game". Fr. Long urged locals to do their bit by keeping an eye out for an vehicles with a 1970's registration plate. "We thought the NCT would stop these people travelling to games" said Fr. Long, "but TOAST seem to be finding ways around everything" . "At the Tipperary v's Clare game" said Fr. Long, "a tube of mustard exploded in the boot of an overheating 1973 Ford Cortina Mark II", "it caused widespread panic, and we know the Clare people were not responsible".

Members of the media have requested a comment from TOAST. A caller to TodayFM last night using a recognised codeword (Go_on_Leahy) claimed TOAST were a misunderstood bunch, but that they "would never give in to the local Cork economy".

Report filed by But T. R.