17 blonds queing outside a bar .....
They had to be 18 to get in !!
Boom boom !! :p
*groan*
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17 blonds queing outside a bar .....
They had to be 18 to get in !!
Boom boom !! :p
*groan*
jeez Face....
:)
I dunno ... i was bored !! :eek: :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Ruairi
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a shopping trolley?
A. Shopping trolley's got a mind of it's own.
My favourite joke.
adam
There is a whole area on this forum titled "Rubbish"....please note!! ;)
Bloke is staying in deepest Wales for a buisness meeting. That night on the way back to his in it gets very windy and foggy so he try's to hitchike along the dark country road. He see's a car slowing down so he runs up and jumps in. He shuts the door before realising there is no driver in the car! The car is still moving along the road and he screams, opens the door and jumps down the bank.
Running to a nearby bar with his suit ripped and soaking wet he orders a large Scotch and tells the crowded bar what just happend to him.
An hour later there is still an errie atmosphere throughout the bar.
2 blokes walk in, one says;
"hey look Gareth-it's the idiot who jumped into the car while we were pushing it!"
:eek: :rolleyes: :D
a childless couple in ireland are told by the adoption board they are marginally too old to adopt a baby.
they surf the net and find a site in germany that is willing to let them adopt a german baby.
they fly over and sign up and collect the child (a 2 year old boy) and bring him home to ireland.all the way home the child says nothing to them at all but the new parents just put it down to shyness.
3 years pass and the child still has'nt said a word to them so they take the child to a specialist who examines the childs hearing & vocal chords and the doc says there is nothing wrong with the child and he simply cannot explain the lack of speech.
its the childs sixth birthday and the couple go to mcdonalds drive through as a treat for the child.they pass a happy meal into the back seat for the child and are about to tuck into their burgers when they hear from the back seat
in a perfect LOUD GERMAN accent "zeeze chips are too hot".
the parents drop their food with the fright and turn around together and say "jaysus we thought you could'nt speak,why are you only speaking up now,you're six years of age ?"
the child looks at them and says"UNTIL NOW,EVERYTHING WAS QUITE SATISFACTORY" :D
Why did the Monkey Fall out of the Tree?
Because he was dead.
:D anyone, anyone? :D
what do you call a fly with no wings
.
.
.
.
.
a walk !!!!! :D
A beautiful woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double-entendre.
So he gave her one!
Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?Quote:
Originally Posted by tiktok
he was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.
:(
Dog limps into a bar.....barman says "Whatcha want?"....Dog says "I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw" !!
Horse walks into a bar...barman says "Whatcha want?"..."Whiskey"...says the horse...."Sure ", says the barman, "But why the long face?" !!
Polar Bear walks into a bar....barman says "Whatcha want?"...Polar Bear says "I'll have a
beer please"...."Sure", says the barman, "But why the big pause?" !!
Went to the Doctor, he said "Say 'Ahh'".
I said "why"?
He said "My dog's died".
A nine year old boy asks his mother,
"Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds
"Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks,
"Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks,
"Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to
be consistent, the mother answers,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with
understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"
What do you call Rupert the Bear with no paw?
Rupert the B@stard.
Two peanuts walking down the street...
...One was a-salted.
Two ducks from Belfast were flying over a lake together.
One duck says: "Quack, quack".
The other replies: "I'm flying as fast as i fockin can!!!"
One neutron says to another: "I think I've just lost an electron."
"Are you sure", says the other.
"Yes, I'm positive", he replies.
There are only 10 types of people who understand how to read binary numbers. Those who can and those who can't.
A guy staggers out of a bar at 2.00am and kicks the crap out of a nun. He then declares: "Not so smart now are ye, Batman?!"
Q. What do you call a Chav in a box? A. Innit.
Q. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on? A. Safe.
Q. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? A. Sorted.
Q. What do you call a Chav in a blender? A. Mush.
Q. What do you call a Chav in an igloo? A. Innuinnit.
Q. What do you call a Chavette in a white track suit? A. The Bride.
Q. What do you call a Chav in a suit? A. The accused.
Q. Two Chavs are sat in a car with no music playing, who's driving? A. The police.
Q. What's the difference between a coconut and a Chav? A. One's hollow with wispy hair, the other one is a coconut.
Q. How do you get 100 Chav's in a phone box? A. Paint three stripes on it.
>> > A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"
>>
>> > Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No."
>>
>> > Duck says: "Got any bread?"
>>
>> > Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
>>
>> > Duck says: "Got any bread?"
>>
>> > Barman says: "No."
>>
>> > Duck says: "Got any bread?"
>>
>> > Barman says: "No."
>>
>> > Duck says: "Got any bread?"
>>
>> > Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
>>
>> > Duck says: "Got any bread?"
>>
>> > Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."
>>
>> > Duck says: "Got any bread?"
>>
>> > Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f**king bread,
>> > ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d bird!"
>>
>> > Duck says: "Got any nails?"
>>
>> > Barman says: "No."
>>
>> > Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Boy kills BUTTERfly.........Dad says no BUTTER for 2weeks.
Boy kills HONEYbee.........Dad says no HONEY for 2weeks.
Mom kills COCKroach.........Boy asks dad...........Will you tell her or should i?
__________________________________________________ _______________
A horse and a chicken are out in a field when the horse falls down a hole.The chicken races over, jumps into the farmers sports car, ties a rope to the front and pulls himout.
Next day they're out in the field and the chicken falls down the whole.
He tells the horse to get the sports car but instead the horse walks over, drops his C**k in and the chicken climbs out!
Moral of the story? When you are hung like a horse, you dont need a sports car to pull chicks!
Before i even tell these i'll get me coat !
A MAN walks into a bar and the barman says to him: "How are you today - Donkey?"
Another customer at the bar thinks this is quite rude but the man appears not to be bothered by it.
This carries on all evening with the barman asking the man - "Another beer - Donkey?", "A beer and some peanuts - Donkey?" until the customer can stand it no longer.
He walks over to the man and says to him: "I couldn't help noticing that the barman keeps referring to you as Donkey. I think it's quite rude of him - aren't you bothered?".
But the man replies: "It's OK - he haw, he haw, he halways calls me that".
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A WOMAN stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell, walked in, and was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites
him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she stripped, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
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WHY YELLING AT MEN IS POINTLESS
When a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
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Q: What is the insensitive part at the base of the penis called?
A: The man.
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DID you hear about the man who fell into the glasses-making machine?
He made a complete spectacle of himself!
Whose the King of the hankies?
.......
The hankiechief !
Can a shoe box?
...........
No! but a tin can!
What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eyed-deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eyed-deer.