How the 2011 league will unfold
As revealed in a dream after dodgy shellfish...
March
- John Delaney says the league has never been in better shape. Pressed by journalists, he acknowledges that “flat with uneven lumps” is not really a shape.
- The FAI announces a new points system: three asterisks for a win, one for a draw. Clubs will be docked asterisks for transgressions. The FAI is confident that for the first time in years, there will be no asterisks on the final table.
- Limerick FC are forced to play all their games behind closed doors – “just because” says Fran Gavin.
April
- False rumours that Sligo Rovers signed three North Koreans reach the Pentagon. Hilary Clinton lists Sligo on the axis of evil, and urges them to reconsider their ways.
- The People’s Republic of Cork secedes from the league, as not enough Corkonians are represented on the MNS panel. Cork City and Cobh Ramblers are the only teams to contest the PRC League.
- UCD pay all their players and creditors in full, on time and are expelled from the league “for conduct unbecoming”. Tarmonbarry City are invited to join, and given all UCD’s points. They also receive 37 points, docked from Limerick FC - “just because” says Fran Gavin.
May
- John Delaney says that despite Ireland being in the throes of recession, a record number of clubs will see major profits. He later insists he meant “prophets” and was referring to Biblical foreseers of doom.
- Shamrock Rovers-Thomas Davis AFC knock Limerick out of the FAI Cup. SR-TD AFC are given a special dispensation to field 15 players for the game - “just because” says Fran Gavin.
- Giovanni Trappatoni announces a B-squad for a match against an LSL XI. There are no LoI players, but Merthyr Tydfil youth keeper Ieuan Pwyllpwyll’s grandfather once stood outside Finn Park. John Delaney expresses delight that the league has a connection to the B-squad.
June
- The FAI responds to 287 threads on foot.ie suggesting that 12,14,15,16, 18, and 20 team leagues, with franchise/national/regional/county or parochial pyramid/round robin/closed structures are the only way forward: several contributors to the site disappear in mysterious circumstances.
- Giovanni Trappatoni calls up two bottles of Ballygowan and a salt cellar to his B-team after they impress during a press conference. Despite scoring 72 goals in 14 games for Tarmonbarry City, there is no call-up for their naturalised Brazilian striker Daniele “The Rossie”.
- In a charity fundraiser, the six most argumentative posters on foot.ie (as voted by their peers) offer to re-enact John and Yoko’s bed-in with everybody they have disagreed with on the site. One insists that his bed be partitioned. Bargaintown sells out of beds in minutes.
July
- Mick Wallace TD launches a coup and ousts John Delaney. He installs Pat Dolan as official food taster for all league and national squads.
- Three clubs go to the wall. Luckily Bray had it fixed, and this time it remains upright.
- In European football, Bohs crash out 9-0 to Faroese opposition and are called a pub team by Paul Lowland in the Evening Heddled. Bohs sue for libel, but lose when the judge decides that they were looking for trouble by lining up with 11 barmen. He awards Lowland €1,000,000 in damages and suggests he spends it on a journalism course. Bohs put Dalymount up for sale. Johnny Logan records a charity single: “Sold Me How?
