Here's one inspired by KT's last effort....
What do you give an elephant with diarrhoea?
PLENTY OF ROOM! :D
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Here's one inspired by KT's last effort....
What do you give an elephant with diarrhoea?
PLENTY OF ROOM! :D
:D :DQuote:
Originally Posted by CollegeTillIDie
hi all
long time reader first time poster.
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used
to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in Meeting up
and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if
I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than
when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise
to the challenge!!!
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop
being so silly! She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she
giggled...................
So I told her to f*ck off.
In a true mans style, I salute you :DQuote:
Originally Posted by gustavo
Class :DQuote:
Originally Posted by gustavo
Heard this last week in Galway ....
What do you call a blonde with a brain?
A Golden Retriever! :D
A man walks in to a bar and calls a drink. He takes from his inside pocket, a genies lamp, which he rubs, closes his eyes,and makes a wish. When the smoke clears, theres little man, one foot tall, wearing a tuxedo on the counter beside him. The little fella then runs over and starts belting out tunes on the piano in the corner to everyones delight.
A rather loud obnoxious yank at the bar sees this and demands a go off the lamp.
"Sorry sir, but its not working properly" says the man.
"I don't give a damn what you say, I saw what you just did, now give it here" says the yank, who grabs the lamp and starts to rub it feverishly.
"I wish for...let me see, I'm broke.... I wish for one hundred bucks" !!!
A big puff of smoke comes and goes and to the yanks horror, theres one hundred ducks running wild all over the pub.
"God damnit, I asked for a hundred bucks, not a hundred ducks"
"Well", replied the man. "I told you it wasn't working. Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?? "
HER DIARY:
Friday 19th August 2005
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.
MAN'S DIARY:
Friday 19th August 2005
City lost to Derry. Gutted. Got a shag though.
Classic :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Peadar
Ok what do you get if you cross a Rottweiler with a Golden Labrador?
A dog that scares the sh*t out of you and then runs away with your toilet paper :D
There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who know binary and those who don't.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp.
They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie.
He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish.
The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring.
I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went.
Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went.
The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'
Q. Why can't you get a cup of tea at Highbury?
A. Because all the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Stamford Bridge. :o
Mick and paddy, two friends, middle aged, no jobs... decide that they should start a farm, so off they went and bought 2 pigs, one each to see how it goes. They brought them home but Mick says to Paddy "how are we going to know which one is mine and which one is yours?", "Well, says mick, thats a good question, I suppose i could cut my ones tail off so mine will be the one with no tail", Paddy agrees that thats a great idea and off they go to bed looking forward to the next day of farming. Next morning Mick hears Paddy roaring in the back yard, "Your fecking pig bit off my pigs tail, now we cant tell the difference again!", Mick runs down and decides to cut off his pigs ear but the next morning the same story the other pig bit off the ear, this carried on for the rest of the week until both pigs had no tail, no ears, all butchered up and bleeding and Paddy sighs and says to Mick
>
"Sure Ill take the pink one and you take the black one"
You shouldn't mock the afflicted... colour blindness is a problem :DQuote:
Originally Posted by M@ttitude
America having been dropping dozens of bombs on Iraq recently with little effect, so they are now going to up the ante and drop hundreds and thousands instead!
They are calling it Operation Dessert Storm
What do you call a man with no shins ?
Tony.
Three old lads are in a pub when a girl walks past in the nip.
The first one has a stroke.
The second has a stroke.
The third ones arm is too short.;)
On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil
Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon.
His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, "that's One Small Step For
Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind," Were Televised To Earth And Heard By
Millions.
But Just Before He Reentered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic Remark "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many People At Nasa Though It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The Russian Or American Space Programs.
Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.
On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay, Florida, While Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The 26-year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He Finally Responded.
Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Answer The Question.
In 1938 When He Was A Kid In A Small Midwest Town, He Was Playing Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard.
His Friend Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By The Bedroom Windows.
His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.
As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky.
"sex! You Want Sex?! You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!" :d
By the way, that isn't a true story....
What's E.T. stand for?
'Cos there's no seats left. :D
So, a man didn't land on the moon ?...........:DQuote:
Originally Posted by Sliogán Dóite
> A ventriloquist visiting Donegal walks into a small village and sees a
> local sitting in his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little
> fun, so he says to the Donegal man "Can I talk to your dog?"
> Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
> Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
> Dog: "Doing all right."
> Villager: (look of extreme shock)
> Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
> Dog: "Yep"
> Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
> Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
> to the lake once a week to play."
> Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
> Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
> Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."
> Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
> Horse: "Cool"
> Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
> Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
> Horse: "Yep"
> Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
> Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
> down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
> Villager: (total look of amazement)
> Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
> Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a ****ing liar!"
:D
How can you make a duck into a soul singer?
Boil it until its bill withers!
Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, a lovely daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay ;)
I have to tell you this one. I was delivering shopping the other day for a lady and I called to the house. I went in and left the shopping in the kitchen. I asked her "where was the dog?". Next thing, I heard some "ruff,ruff,ruff" out the back and she turned around and said the dog answered your question. Both of us started laughing. It was absolutely hillarious.:D
Sean Connery was interviewd by Michael Parkinson,
and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,
he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla said,
"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks
they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate
sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says,
"If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour,
and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping,
hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even
better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet.
You'll have to.......
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again.
No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely
mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and
Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in
the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with
a scouser, she stole ma wallet !".
heard a classic last night,
what did the 11 say to the 10?
who's the fat chick!
another one, what goes hahahahahahahabonk
someone laughing their heads off!
im sorry!:D
Taxi for aido b. As a matter of fact get a lorry:DQuote:
Originally Posted by aido_b
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
I think you had to be there........ :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by Thunderblaster
A man goes to the zoo, but when he arrives there is only a dog on display.
It was a Shítzu.
whats the definition of suspicion???
nuns doing squats in a cucumber field!! :D
Holy sh*t:eek: :DQuote:
Originally Posted by paul_oshea
I likes that one.Quote:
A man goes to the zoo, but when he arrives there is only a dog on display.
It was a Shítzu.
ya i like that joke but i think if you are telling it in the pub you would have to change it with:
he looks and says thats a ****zu.
This is a bit long winded, but how true it is....
New ATM Procedures
A sign in the local Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful and painstaking research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps below for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
:D
Someone noted much the same about women at checkouts a while back. Guy stands there with product in one hand, cash in the other, transaction takes a minute and a half. Woman stands there with product in one hand, enormous bag in the other with purse buried at the bottom, and plenty of conversational items in between; transaction takes an hour and a half. It's a pain in the hole.
(There are exceptions on both fronts. But the stereotype applies in general. Seriously, how hard is to to get the money ready while you're in the queue?)
adam
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts.
:D
:eek: :eek:
heh heh.
Motorway and a dual carriageway walk into a bar
motorway goes to the bar dualler gets a seat
while he's waiting for the motorway to return with the drink the dualler notices a strange looking skinny pink road sitting on his own in a corner
motorway returns ..."whats the story with that weird looking skinny streak overthere" asks the dualler gesticulating towards the pink road in the corner
the motorway almost collapses "Jaysus dont point at him.......he's a fcuking cyclepath"
Heard this one today...
Hope it wasnt posted here already
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call an ibizan terriost?
All-summer-bin-largin-it:D
Those of you who know youe USSR history will remember the Solkhotz and the Kolkotz - basically two types of huge collective farms.
Anyway, Ludmilla, Kristina, Georgina and Karina were out in the fields one day on one of these farms and their job was to harvest carrots.
Ludmilla pulls out a massive carrot and gestures to the three other girls.
"Do you know what this reminds me of?", says Ludmilla.
"Ni idea", echo the others.
"My husband", says Ludmilla.
"How's that?", ask the other three.
"Guess", says Ludmilla.
"Oh, I know, tee-hee, the length of it?", says Kristina.
"No", says Ludmilla.
"The colour of it (giggle)?", says Karina
"No", says Ludmilla.
"The texture and thickness of it (snigger)?", says Georgina.
"No", says Ludmilla.
"What then?", ask the others.
"The dirt of it", says Ludmilla.
:eek: ;)
Q. What do you call a dilusional Beeslow man who supports Linfield?:confused:
A. sirhamish:p.