Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

My mate called me the other day to tell me Michael Stipe was in the pub. I rushed down the pub couldnt see Michael Stipe anywhere so I asked my mate where he was.

'Thats him in the corner' he said.
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What do you call a Chinese Woman with a Food Processor on her head?

Brenda.

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The secret service are having a terrible time trying to teach Obama the presidential security procedures.

Every time they shout "Get Down" the guy starts dancing.

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I once dated a dolphin, we just clicked
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Guy walks into a bakers and says 'Is that a doughnut or a merangue?' The assitant replies 'No you're right it's a doughnut'

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I went into the supermarket the other day to buy some Fish and herbs, spent an hour looking at DVD's instead until I thought 'This isn't the Thyme or the Plaice'

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How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold my penis - I mean ladder!

Ian Paisley gets accidentally cyrogenically frozen for 50 years.
When he wakes up, the first question from his big, angry
mouth is: "What the hell happened?"
His doctor comes over and says "Good afternoon Mr.
Paisley.You have been cryogenically frozen for 50 years, and I have good news and bad news for you."
To which Ian replies: "Whats the bad news?"
"Well," says the doc, "Ireland invaded England 25 years ago,
Gerry Adams is Prime Minister, and Mary McAleese has been crowned Queen."
"Good grief!" cries Iain. "Whats the GOOD news?"
"Rangers beat Celtic last night" says his doc, with a smile.
Ian sits back and smiles."What was the score?"
His doc turns to him and says: "Three goals and ten
points to one goal and nine points".

I heard Peter Robinson was see chasing Tiger Woods through George Best International Airport... I heard Peter Robinson was seen chasing Tiger Woods through George Best International Airport... :)

In the paper it said "please look after your neighbours in the cold weather" Not once has my 87 year old neighbour come round to check if I'm alright. In fact the lazy biatch hasn't even take her milk in for 2 weeks.

Peter Robinson visited his optician complaining that his eye had been watery for a good while.The optician says,'I think I know whats wrong,there's been something stuck in your Iris.'

Not technically a joke but,

"Iris is well known for her total and absolute commitment to her constituents. She makes herself available day and night."

Source: http://www.dup.org.uk/MyProfile.asp?MemberID=34

the psni in n .ireland are looking for a 21 year old man
on the castlereagh road wearing an orange sash and singing
" SHE WAS OLD BUT "
" SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL " :D

What do Iris Robinson and IKEA have in common?
One dodgy screw and the whole cabinet falls apart!

Do you reckon Adeboyor ran the length of the bus to celebrate in front of the gunners the other day

My brother sent me that by text, its awful, inappropriate but really funny.

Togo team bus:200 attempts and only 3 shots on target....Police have now moved their suspicions towards Dimatar Berbatov

With Togo having now pulled out of the African Nations Cup, sources have claimed that Ireland are now set to take their place. Manager Trappatoni has said that he is happy to join the competition and he plans to let Paul McShane drive the team bus.

http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2008/...4-dogbunny.jpg

Airport prank where guys get the tannoy announcer to read out hard to pronounce names with funny results.

.http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2...eathrow-p1.php

A woman walks into a Cocktail bar and asks for a 'double entendre'
The barman gives her one.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tiktok

A woman walks into a Cocktail bar and asks for a 'double entendre'
The barman gives her one.

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I've told that joke to people about a dozen times.
I think it's great.
Nobody gets it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by brianw82

I've told that joke to people about a dozen times.
I think it's great.
Nobody gets it.

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:D


Was this meant as a joke?!

THINGS YOU NOTICE WHEN YOU'RE OVER 65:
























http://sites.google.com/site/kilcree...e/Seatbelt.bmp

^
She doesn't need to. Those airbags will do the trick!

she should be in the totty thread,they're massive