Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

I was approached on the street the other day by some religious type. He asked me if I wanted to join the Church of Agnostics. I didn't know what to think...

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There was this dream I had once, where I found my self on the run from the law in some kind of abandoned wildlife museum. They ran me to ground between the Mythological Monsters Exhibit, and the Fish of the Seas display. Then I realised that I was caught between a Roc and a hard plaice...

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So, I'm hanging on for dear life at the edge of a cliff in the middle of nowhere - beneath me a drop of 300 metres and certain death. Unexpectedly, this couple arrives - so hick that I thought they might even be brother and sister. I ask them for help, but they seem to be ambivalent. Eventually they offer to help me up, but on one condition - that I satisfy them both sexually. From where I'm hanging, it looks like I'm f**ked both ways...

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber
replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to
open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his
door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when
he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied,
'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and
left the shop. The next morning when the barber went
to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a
dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a
TD came in for a haircut. When he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not
accept money from you. I'm doing community service
this week.' The TD was very happy and left
the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to
open up, there were a dozen TDs lined up waiting
for a free haircut. And that, my friends,
illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on e-bay? I put in a bid on a Mickey Mouse outfit and I'm now 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool FC....

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joeSoap

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on e-bay? I put in a bid on a Mickey Mouse outfit and I'm now 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool FC....

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Tut tut tut*















*says the man who stole it from another forum.

Just got this by email and thought it was chucklesome.

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A:We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q:Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

I started writing poetry the other day:

POETR

That's coming along nicely.

teacher asks a kid what the biggest word he knows,
kid says, masturbation,
teacher says, wow thats a mouth full,
kid says, no miss your thinking of a blow job:D

Another of my own.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2524/...87c82691_o.jpg

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mr A

Another of my own.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2524/...87c82691_o.jpg

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Where's Kermit?. Have the limerick or Dublin muppets taken him out?

Kermit's taken up a new hobby

http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/b...nci/kermit.gif

A Cavan couple visit the Doctor and ask him to watch them having sex to see if they have a problem.

Sexually curious and a little aroused he agrees to it. he watches them have sex tells them he can see no problem and charges them €50 for his fee.

They come back every week to the doctor for a month for the same reason and every time he tells them he can see no problem.

After a month (when the thrill has gone out of it for him) the doctor asks why they keep coming back to him even though he repeatedly tells them they have no problems sexually.

The man explains to him....

My wife will catch us if we go to my house.....

Her husband will catch us if we go to hers......

The cheapest B&B around is €70.......

We give you €50.........

And Quinn Health Care gives me €43 back!!!!

So I organized a bukkake party last week.

It didn't go very well though

No-one came :(

After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."


One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee , Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.":D

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
very nice, but i think they misunderstood when i said i wanna watch!

I saw on the news that Tiger Woods had been injured in a car crash this morning.

The police have said that the cause of the accident was a deflated tyre. Apparently he got a hole in one.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by brendy_éire

I saw on the news that Tiger Woods had been injured in a car crash this morning.

The police have said that the cause of the accident was a deflated tyre. Apparently he got a hole in one.

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He hit a tree and ended up in the rough...Wonder if he'll be handicapped now:D

Florida police are refusing to rule out that Tiger Woods car accident was caused when he hit an Albatross.

When someone famous dies or gets injured, these jokes are par for the course.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pauro 76

When someone famous dies or gets injured, these jokes are par for the course.

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We have a fair way to go yet...