Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

The 2012 Olympics in London are going to be an amazing cultural experience. Imagine the hordes of international fans - Poles, Czechs, Russians, Hungarians, Latvians, Africans, Jamaicans, Indians, Pakistanis, Iraqis, Turks, Greeks, Thais, Australians, South Africans - all of whom will have travelled as many as 10 miles to watch these games.


Following the success of the West Yorkshire Police in finding Shannon Matthews, the Portuguese Police have gone back to the McCann's villa to look under the bed.

After a night out Paddy takes his mates back to see his new apartment and have a few drinks. After a few beers one of the lads asks him what the big brass gong is for?
Paddy says "Thats a talking clock"
"How does it work?" they ask.
"I'll show you" he says
He hits it full pelt with a hammer and within seconds a voice from next door shouts,
"For fcuks sake it 3 in the morning":D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Deckydee

Shannon airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car".

Apparently it had tax and insurance and the radio was still in it.

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Careful!!!!!:D

Deckydee, enough with the off-colour jokes please. I've had complaints and although I don't think they're as sick as some people think, they're not even remotely funny and some are borderline racist. Knock it on the head please.

adam

Oi Sligoman I was in the process of infractioning his ass when you removed it! Dam that was gonna be my only drunken buzz tonight!

Man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm. "I'll have a pint, and one for the road."

well i suppose the old ones are the best:rolleyes:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Magicme

Oi Sligoman I was in the process of infractioning his ass when you removed it! Dam that was gonna be my only drunken buzz tonight!

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Moderating the site while drunk , is this boards;)

she should be stripped



of her moderating powers of course,not her clothing;)

Irish Lent

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub, and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers and one went to America and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then one day the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all...."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

http://www.ryanair.com/site/news/rel...mages/card.jpg

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, (and leaving 1 outside to guard the door so no strangers could come in) she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'


'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.

A husband turns to his wife and asks, "tell me something that will make me happy and sad in the same sentence"

She pauses for a minute... and says..."you've got a bigger c0ck than your brother!!!"

A woman is just after giving birth to a child. The doctor who delivered the baby says he has good news and bad news. The bad news is it's ginger. The good news is it's dead!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Rovers fan

A woman is just after giving birth to a child. The doctor who delivered the baby says he has good news and bad news. The bad news is it's ginger. The good news is it's dead!

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Brilliant :D

Micheal Jackson has just announced his dates for his UK concerts.
They are Colin age 5, Sean age 6, Paul age 7 and Peter aged 8:D

Dead baby joke complaints moved here. Which part of "further complaints outside the provided procedures will be dealt with in the usual way" did you retards have difficulty with?

Next off-topic post gets an immediate 1 month suspension. Back on topic now.

Whats the difference between a dead prostitute and a Ferrari????

There's no Ferrari in my garage!

Man walks into a bar with a kid by his side.

Barperson says we don't allow kids in this bar .

Man says why is it cause he is ginger and ......