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Heard this the other week and thought it was very funny, if in dubious taste. So if you're the sensitive type, look away now if you don't want to know the score.......
After her success in the British hide-and-seek championships, Shannon Matthews now moves forward to take on the current European champion.......
Madeline McCann :eek:
As a rule of thumb every dog year is about the same as 7 human years.
Which explains why Karen Matthews looks so ****ing awful at the age of 32.
Courtesy of www.sickipedia.org; look there for what'll get me banned from here!
What would Peter Crouch be if he wasn't a Premiership footballer?
a virgin
i hope you are proud of yourself. you've ruined my trial day with that website. i can't stop looking at it.Quote:
Originally Posted by pineapple stu
A Somalian arrives in Cork a new immigrant to Ireland.
He stops the first man he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr Irishman for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!'
The man says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani.'
The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Ireland !'
This person says, 'I no Irish, me Polish.'
He walks on and stops the next person, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful things in Ireland !'
This person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from India , I am not Irish!'
Finally, he sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you Irish?'
She says,' No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Irish people?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...
'Probably at work!! '
:D :D :DQuote:
Originally Posted by anto1208
Cheers Anto, was about to take a claw hammer to the laptop but that's cheered me up no end.
If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?
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Two men are shopping in a supermarket when their trolleys collide. The first guy says 'Sorry about that mate, I'm trying to find my wife!' The 2nd guy says 'Yeah me too mate'
The 1st guy says 'Maybe I can hep, what does she look like?' The 2nd guy answers 'She's tall, blond hair, blue eyes, long legs, great tits and a tight arse, what does yours look like?' The 1st guy replies 'Never mind her, let's find yours!'
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A group of pikeys arrive at Heaven, and St. Peter is waiting at the Pearl Gates. "We want to come in." One of them says.
St. Peter replies, "One moment please. God has a thing about pikeys coming in to Heaven."
He visits God and tells him about the pikeys. "No way!" God shouts. "Go back to the Pearl Gates and tell them to **** off!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates and then back to God. "They're gone." He says.
"The pikeys?" God asks.
"No," St. Peter replies, "The Gates."
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The other day, I visited an old people's home as part of my community service.
I asked one of the old men, "How do you feel living here?"
He replied, "I feel like a new born baby."
I thought "How wonderful" and asked him "Why do you feel that way?"
To which he replied, "I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just shat myself."
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China now says that the olympics will be a pay per view event.
If you don't watch, the Tibetans will pay.
After her success in the British Hide 'n' Seek Championships, Shannon Matthews now goes forward to take on the European Champion.............................
Madeline Mc Cann
Anyone else hear that awful echo in here ?Quote:
Originally Posted by biscuit
I couldn't hear it over the tumbleweed.Quote:
Originally Posted by TonyD
ah get over yerselves ffs:rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by TonyD
A Limerick Man, A Polish Man and a Latvian Man were in a bar one night having a beer. ALL OF A SUDDEN THE POLISH MAN DOWNS HIS BEER, THROWS HIS GLASS IN THE AIR, PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS THE GLASS TO PIECES AND SAYS "IN POLAND OUR GLASSES ARE SO CHEAP THAT WE DON'T NEED TO DRINK FROM THE SAME ONE TWICE".
THE LATVIAN MAN IMPRESSED BY THIS, DOWNS HIS BEER, THROWS HIS GLASS IN THE AIR, PULLS OUT HIS GUN AND SHOOTS THE GLASS TO PIECES AND SAYS "WELL IN LATVIA WE HAVE SO MUCH SAND TO MAKE THE GLASSES THAT WE DON'T NEED TO DRINK OUT OF THE SAME GLASS EITHER".
THE LIMERICK MAN, AS COOL AS A CUCUMBER, PICKS UP HIS BEER AND DRINKS IT, THROWS HIS GLASS IN THE AIR, PULLS OUT HIS GUN AND SHOOTS THE POLISH MAN AND THE LATVIAN MAN AND SAYS "IN LIMERICK WE HAVE SO MANY ****ING POLISH AND LATVIAN MEN, WE DON'T NEED TO DRINK WITH THE SAME ONES TWICE".
It must have been a NOISY BAR.
Quote:
Originally Posted by noby
No it was in my local.Resonably quiet local pub. :p
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging,violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please
give me the strength to cross the river'
Poof!.....God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof!.......God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof!.....He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Where is strangeirish, now his jokes are GOOD!! :D
Three gay guys were all in a car crash and died. All three were cremated.
Their boyfriends were talking about what they were going to do with the ashes.
The first boyfriend said "I am going to sky dive and spread his ashes in the sky, because that's what he liked".
The second guy said, "I'm going to go sailing and spread his ashes in the ocean, because that's what he liked to do".
The third guy said "I'm going to put my boyfriends ashes in a bowl of curry so he can rip through my ass one more time!"
:D
Quote:
Originally Posted by strangeirish
SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!:D
The judge is deciding in a divorce case with whom the son should live. So he asks the boy "Do you want to live with your dad?"
"No" says the boy, "he beats me all the time".
"Well" says the judge, "what about your mother?".
"No" says the boy, "she beats me all the time as well".
The frustrated judge then asks "Where do you want to live then ?" to which the boy replies:
"With Sheffield Wednesday, they never beat anyone!!". :o
Q: If you have 30 grand in one pocket & 20 grand in the other, what have you got?
.
.
.
A: Bertie's Anorak
:D