I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – €1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
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I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – €1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
Glass coffins - will they catch on???
Remains to be seen...
got a call from my electric company to tell me that my bill was outstanding
I said thanks
Some avid watchers of RTE we have here.
Putin is tossing and turning and worrying, then appearing to him in a vision is good old Stalin. He says - Joe, what the hell can I do about the country. The people are carrying on something rotten. Stalin thinks about it, sits down and looks Vlad in the eye. Listen kiddo, you only have to do 2 things. First, round up all the so called democrats and shoot them. Second you paint the walls of the Kremlin blue. Putin shakes his head in confusion - Why do I paint the Kremlin walls blue? Stalin laughs, See, I knew you'd ask about that. (this is the "funniest" joke in Russia at the moment).
That is pretty funny though.
thats flippin great!Quote:
Originally Posted by Spudulika
Arshavin: The Worst Russian sub since the Kursk
Just watched the film “127 hours” backwards.
It’s a heart-warming tale about a one armed man who finds a new limb in a canyon.
Barack Obama has announced that the US Defence Budget will be slashed down to $660bn for next year.
This means that they will no longer have the biggest Defence budget.
They'll now be second ........
Behind Manchester City !
Attachment 1845
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Valentines Day.
Dinner: £70
Drinks: £50
Taxi: £20
Hotel Room: £300
The look on your face when she tells you she's on her period: PRICELESS
Similar to this joke from Spike Milligan when was on the Late Late Show one nightQuote:
Originally Posted by Spudulika
So he walked on, sat down and slammed his fists on the desk
"gay!! it's terrible!! nobody cares about the jews anymore!!!!!"
"excuse me?"
"no it's true, no one cares about the jews anymore!"
"spike, what are you talking about"
"listen to me, man. the nazis have come back to power and they've released their intentions! they want to kill 10,000,000 jews and 33 irish postmen!!!"
"why the 33 irish postmen????"
"YOU SEE!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE JEWS ANYMORE"
As I sat in my armchair I shouted to the wife ! .... "wAs I sat in my armchair I shouted to the wife ! .... "when I die, im going to leave everything to you dear"...she shouts back, "you already do you lazy *******"
I always remember my history teacher at school calling me a ****ing stupid **** in front of the whole class......
He made me feel just like General Custer at the Battle of Sterlingrad in 1972
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the* **WORK POO* is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY* -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a* **FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the* **WALK OF SHAME.*
*WALK OF SHAME* -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the* **COURTESY FLUSH*.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER* -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify **SAFE HAVENS.**
*SAFE HAVENS* -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an* **ASTAIRE*.
*ASTAIRE* -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
*WATERMELON* -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
*HAVANAOMELET* -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
*UNCLE TED* -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
Fabio Capello's resignation is the second time in less than a month that an Italian has jumped ship.
I won a radio phone in competition today and the prize was either 50 Euro cash or 2 tickets for a local Elvis Presley tribute act gig,I didn't know whether to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show....
Definition of pressure:
A wife, a mistress and a mortgage.
All one month late……
What's six inches long and wont be getting sucked on Valentines day?
Whitney Houstons crack pipe!
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
...
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!'
Apparently police have found a note from Whitney Houston. It's 38 seconds long and spans 5 octaves.Quote:
Originally Posted by SkStu
Chuck Norris died earlier on today... but he's okay now.
Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...
MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.
You?
- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f *cking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about f*ck knows what!
Why did the Tibetan monk set himself on fire?
To get to the other side.
I'll bet Rick Astley hate's lent.
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing
and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up
and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into
the woods on the side of the fairway. He
goes looking for his ball and comes across
this little guy with this huge knot on his
head, and the golf ball lying right beside
him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to
revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking,
the little guy says, "Well, you caught me
fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I
will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you,
I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,"
and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun
says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he
did catch me, so I have to do something for
him. I'll give him the three things that I
would want. I'll give him unlimited money,
a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in
jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at
the 16th hole. He gets up and
hits one into the same woods and goes off
looking for his ball. When he
finds the ball he sees the same little guy
and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I
ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under
par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And
might I ask how your money
is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention
it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I
pull out a hundred dollar bill."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that
for you, too. And might I ask how your sex
life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and
says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once
or twice a week? Is that all?!"
The golfer looks at him and says, "Well,
that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish
I see Pippa Middleton has won the "Rear of The Year" competition.
I wish I could enter it
A golfer hits a sliced shot and the ball goes into the rough.
When he goes in looking for it, there is a leprechaun, on the ground beside his ball.
" l'm so sorry." The golfer said. " But that was my ball that hit you! "
" You got me fair and square! " Said the Leprechaun. " You can have three wishes."
The golfer replied," l don't want anything! l'm just glad that you are all right."
... As he walked away the Leprechaun thought to himself, " that fellow is a good one
l will give him the three wishes that l would like, Great golf, money and good sex."
One year later the same golfer hits another slice and the ball ends in the rough.
Up pops the little Leprechaun again. " That was me that caused the ball to go into
the rough, So.. Now tell me! Hows your golf? " " lt's great, l'm internationally famous now! " The little man nodded, " And how's your wealth? " The golfer laughed, " lt's
fantastic! l just reach into my pocket and out comes a £ 100 note that l didn't know l had! " The little man nodded again. " l fixed that for you as well! And your sex life! Hows that going? " The golfer blushed, " lt's not bad ." The little man said, " Not bad! l hope it's better than not bad! " The golfer blushed even more. " Well to be honest, it's once or maybe twice a week. " The Leprechaun looked shocked, " l don't
think that once or twice a week is good enough! l had hoped for more that that! "
The golfer said, " Well, you know...Once or even twice a week is not all that bad for a catholic priest in a very small parish!! "
Really jinxy? Really?
Well, jinxy, you certainly play a better short game than Trainee...
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting. Nearly put me off my sandwich.
awh jesus christ i never read trainees lol
apologies
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