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Attachment 1798
Had a right LOL at this.
My friend invited me to a 'Halloween Fright Night' at a gay bar....
He said "It's guaranteed to put the willies up you
Two aerials got married the other week. The ceremony was awful, but the reception was brilliant.
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.
"DIG" says the voice.
The man looks around, a little confused.
"DIG" Booms the voice again.
The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts:
"OPEN"
He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again:
"CASINO"
What the Hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the Casino doos when he hears the voice again shout:
"ROULETTE!"
He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions:
"16 BLACK" the voice says.
So the man puts all the golden coins on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.
"CRAAAP!" shouts the voice......
Knock knock
who's there?
control freak... Now you say "control freak who?"
Police suspect foul play in the death of Joe Frazier.They're currently grilling George Foreman.
Wanna hear a joke about Sodium? Na
Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? K
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium
What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar? OH SNaP!
What did one ion say to the other? I've got my ion you.
..I like making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank ...agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Some years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town InGreece.The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatialmansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, this house could be built".
The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.When he asked, how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"
The Italian replied; "No."
Just watched a film about Jack the Ripper.
It wasn't the light-hearted fart comedy I'd expected.
Two Arkansas hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Bubba and Bobby Joe survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Bubba asked Bobby Joe, "Any idea where we are?"
Bobby Joe replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Driving to work this morning and this dick pulls out in front of me...
http://susiebright.blogs.com/photos/...nowphallus.jpg
Doing the rounds at the moment - the designs for the new currency. Don't miss the detail...
http://files.broadsheet.ie/wp-conten.../461491939.jpg
conjunctivitis.com
It's a site for sore eyes.
This made me laugh this morning....
Attachment 1812
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
Spent $40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some b*stard's sent me a magnifying glass
Under new E.U. law the word "kn*cker" is no longer politically correct.
They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travelers) or C.*.N..T.S. for short.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world.
The grim reaper payed a visit to the house last night,
I had to beat him away with a vacuum cleaner,
Talk about dyson with death
My new party trick......I swallow two pieces of string, and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together.
Seriously,...........i sh1t you knot!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by magicman
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...Quote:
Originally Posted by SkStu
oh.... my bad.... i simply thought MagicMan had given the grim reaper a hand job...
Well it wasn't a blow job. Don't think Dyson's gave that as an option.
Ha Ha!
Attachment 1828
Indeed
Bipolar.com seems to be down.
Oh, no sorry, it's back up again.
Considering the year that's in it.......
Attachment 1832
THE TAX MAN
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The
IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
Loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he
could come in here and **** all over an IRS official's desk and that
you'd be happy about it.
Words Women Use
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.
GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anthony Worrall, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?
"Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun and I have £2.74 left over".
What's red and white and gets ****ed by swans?
Arsenal
Went to a mate's wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me
"Jaysus, that bride is fierce ugly".
"Do you mind!? That's MY DAUGHTER you're talking about!".
"I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father".
"I'm not. I'm her mother!"...Oops
Why was the tumble dryer laughing? Because the washing machine was taking the p!ss out the knickers.