Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

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07/12/2010, 11:07 AM
Deckydee

My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which is a shame, because I really fancy him.

Gran's always up for a laugh, so for a bit of a practical joke, I put her walking stick out of her reach ..

I just can't believe she fell for it.

I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him."

They might as well just say, "He's a ********, but you'll get used to it."

At least after the 2022 World Cup, Qatar will have some cracking stadiums to stone women in.

FIFA blames Panorama for 2018 World Cup bid failure.

FIFA says: "England crossed the line."

Well at least they noticed it this time
07/12/2010, 11:53 AM
Closed Account 2

What do you call a girl with two c--ts ?

SPOILER: N-dubs
07/12/2010, 10:42 PM
southern red

Quote:

Originally Posted by cfdh_edmundo

What do you call a girl with two c--ts ?

SPOILER: N-dubs

i always thought the answer to this was Mrs.Neville
10/12/2010, 10:27 PM
thischarmingman

Just got home and found all the doors and windows open and everything taken.

What kind of sicko does that to someones Advent calendar?
10/12/2010, 10:44 PM
sligo23

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

unique up on him...
14/12/2010, 9:23 AM
Deckydee

Attachment 1719
.
14/12/2010, 5:33 PM
SkStu

http://omg.wthax.org/ecde60a13218c4a...f340ab0cc6.jpg
15/12/2010, 4:37 PM
Closed Account 2

A kid comes home from primary school beaming with delight:

"Dad, I've got a part in the school play"
"Really son, that's great, who do you play?"
"I play a man who has been married for 25 years!"
"Oh" [disappointed] "...um...well... Try your best, if you do a really good job next time they might give you a speaking part"
16/12/2010, 7:48 AM
Ash

Aaaaa said the sheep with no lips
20/12/2010, 8:14 PM
SkStu

Knock knock.
Who's there?

Dave.
Dave who?

...Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimers is getting worse.
07/01/2011, 9:49 AM
Lev Yashin

So the SPL is going to a ten team league....the must be adding eight teams so.
07/01/2011, 9:14 PM
osarusan

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-..._2640202_n.jpg
17/01/2011, 5:28 PM
SkStu

My fcking neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning.

Can you believe that?! 2:30am!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
17/01/2011, 8:50 PM
Mr A

Kate Middleton has asked the Queen the secret to a long married life.

The Queen replied 'Wear a seat belt & don't p*** me off.'
18/01/2011, 10:36 AM
thischarmingman

I once dated a dolphin. We just clicked.
19/01/2011, 3:04 PM
Weatherman

See Gary Glitter is taking over at Aston Villa! He heard the strikers are Young and Bent plus their getting Keane!!
20/01/2011, 12:52 PM
strangeirish

http://i52.tinypic.com/2j2f42a.jpg:D:D
21/01/2011, 1:17 PM
Bray-Z

Just saw Brian Cowen in IKEA! He was looking for a cabinet.
26/01/2011, 2:37 PM
Magicme

The boys were playing FIFA 11 last night and I picked up the controller. Andy Gray shouted at me "get back to the kitchen."
26/01/2011, 4:21 PM
SkStu

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magicme

The boys were playing FIFA 11 last night and I picked up the controller. Andy Gray shouted at me "get back to the kitchen."

Now that Andy Gray has been sacked after his ignorant, sexist comments on TV and behaviour to colleagues, Sky Sports should set an example and give his job to a female presenter.

Preferably one with really big knockers!
01/02/2011, 3:48 PM
Real ale Madrid

Liverpool have signed Andy Carroll for �35 million, plus add ons for any trophies Liverpool may win while Carroll is at the club. This will bring the total deal to around �35 million.
03/02/2011, 10:54 PM
Trainee

Am I A �35m Striker? I scored 24 goals helping my side win promotion back to the Premier League aged just 22.
Then in my first season in the top flight I had bagged an impressive 15 goals by the end of January. Including a goal against the reigning champions, away at Arsenal and in a home win over Liverpool. My form earned me an Englan...d call-up.
Am I a �35m striker?

No I am Michael Ricketts, February 2002.
09/02/2011, 7:15 PM
Pauro 76

The Margaret Thatcher film will be getting an 18 rating. Apparently it's unsuitable for miners.
12/02/2011, 5:34 PM
thischarmingman

I was just asked to donate money to help solve the civil unrest in Egypt, but I suspect it's some sort of pyramid scheme.
12/02/2011, 6:51 PM
Magicme

Robbing that!!
12/02/2011, 10:13 PM
thischarmingman

It's good isn't it? Stole it from someone on Fbook.
13/02/2011, 1:16 AM
Magicme

I love that when I sent it to one of my best mates that she replied: Pharoah enough!! :D
13/02/2011, 1:17 AM
Magicme

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pauro 76

The Margaret Thatcher film will be getting an 18 rating. Apparently it's unsuitable for miners.

Told this joke to my kids, not expecting them to understand and they got it. sooooo proud!! Must be doing something right!
18/02/2011, 2:25 PM
strangeirish

Did you hear about the blind carpenter?

He picked up his hammer and saw!
18/02/2011, 3:29 PM
DeLorean

Say to somebody..."I've got a good joke for ya, what do you call a black man flying a plane?"

Going by my extensive research, it's highly unlikely they'll get the answer which is...

"A pilot you racist"
24/02/2011, 10:14 AM
osarusan

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Kris/stop2.png
25/02/2011, 8:03 AM
DeLorean

I've formed a band called The Prevention. We're going to be even better than The Cure.
25/02/2011, 10:54 PM
osarusan

Dyslexics of the world: UNTIE!
28/02/2011, 1:16 AM
SkStu

How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
01/03/2011, 3:16 PM
the 12 th man

To contact the TD Luke "Ming" Flanagan just push the "hash" button on your phone.
02/03/2011, 12:22 PM
paul_oshea

good old luke. a mates father has that on his phone "wheres the hash" at the end of his voicemail when he is sounding rather tired, obviouslly the recorded voice said when finished "press the hash key"

this guy sees his friend coming out of the doctors and he says to him "jees are ye ok ye look shook", he says to him "ive got the Big C", friend says "what cancer?!", SPOILER: "No, dyslexia!" :D
03/03/2011, 10:39 PM
Stevo Da Gull

What's the biggest cause of pedophilia?

Sexy kids
04/03/2011, 12:40 PM
Bray-Z

OFFENSIVE JOKE WARNING

I see tesco have a new special on...he's out collecting the trolleys.
04/03/2011, 8:11 PM
strangeirish

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
04/03/2011, 9:39 PM
Paddyfield

Quote:

Originally Posted by the 12 th man

To contact the TD Luke "Ming" Flanagan just push the "hash" button on your phone.

He has copied Enda Kenny's "Five Point Plan"

It will be known ad Luke Flanagan's "Five Joint Plan"

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