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Class photoshop, though thank goodness it wasn't of the epileptic Bedouin from Arabia or StrangeIrish would be sharing a Latte with Salman Rushdie!Quote:
Originally Posted by strangeirish
Very, uh, retro...?
I was listening to a bit of Beethoven's 6th in A Flat earlier.
It was quite good but tomorrow I'm going to see if it sounds better in A House. * *
A new sign at the AIB drive-thru Bank in Cabinteely reads:
'Please note that this Bank has installed new drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1... Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
********************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26.. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven:
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
How do you tell a kebab to be quiet?
Ssssshhhhh kebab.
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player .
The Chilean Miner rescue is finally over. The slow process was accomplished, Juan by Juan.
Stolen for FB. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by strangeirish
I believe they are all doing well except for one of them who is suffering from severe anxiety as he realised he forgot to clock in.
At a recent job interview:
Q. What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?
A. Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.
Q. And your strengths?
A. I'm Batman.
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from a vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
I saw CountDown yesterday.
He's Dracula's retarted brother.
(Im so sorry!)
One for the pub tomorrow!Quote:
Originally Posted by Deckydee
Taken from Facebook
The weather in Ireland is like Iraq it is either Sunni or Shi'te
Germaine Defoe was at a party and comes up to this woman and says: "I fancy you, get your coat, you're coming back to my place". The woman replies "You're a little forward aren't you?"
whos that? is he related to Jermain Defoe
jermain man
“Well, there were these three dwarfs sitting around a table knocking back a few beers. The first dwarf stroked his beard and said to the other two, “Look at my hands. Look how small they are. I reckon they must be the smallest hands in the entire world.” The other two dwarfs nodded in agreement. The third dwarf said, “I think you’re right, you should go down to see the people at the Guinness Book of World Records and see if you get in.” The first dwarf smiled, “That’s a great idea.”
The second dwarf added “Actually I reckon I might pay them a visit too – look at my feet, they’re tiny. They must be the smallest feet in the world.” The other two dwarfs were startled by how small his feet were. The first dwarf said, “They’re tiny all right, you should come with me.”
The third dwarf, not wanting to be left out chimed in: “well I’ m going to come along as well – I’m certain that I’ve got the world’s smallest penis.” The other two dwarfs decided not to verify this claim but nodded, and the second dwarf said, “Well we’ll all go along together to see if we can get in the Guinness Book of World Records”.
The three dwarfs jumped to their feet and set off to the offices of the Guinness Book of World Records as fast as their little legs would take them. Once they arrived, the first dwarf was called into the assessor’s room. He was gone for almost an hour. Finally he emerged from the room with a triumphant grin, “I’m in! My hands are the smallest in the world.”
The second dwarf was called in next. He too emerged with a beaming smile. “I’m in too! These feet are the smallest in the whole world!”
Finally, The third dwarf was called in. The first two dwarfs grew concerned as the clocked ticked and tocked. At last, after two hours the door opened and the third dwarf trudged out looking despondent.
“What`s the matter?”, the first two dwarfs asked in unison.
The third dwarf shook his head in frustration then shouted “Who the hell is Stephen Ireland?!?!”"
I don't understand why Christians are against gay marriage.
Jesus had two dads, he turned out alright.
Gas that there are people who would literally kill you for that joke.
Follow Up:
I wonder if any guys out there can help me. What does it mean when your wife calls out your dad's name in bed?
Sincerely,
Jesus Christ
I got sacked from my job as a funeral director for showing initiative.
I kept thinking outside the box.
Just sitting on the bus and this old bloke started throwing Werthers at the back of my head.
How original
When my wife found out I'd swapped our bed for a trampoline she hit the roof.
Cork's 96fm have given Neil Prenderville a few days off to recover from recent allegations.
A station insider says he hopes Neil can pull himself together after the incident.
I had to google to see what the point of that joke was. Bloody hell!
A Garda pulled me over as I drove through a red-light area.
He said, "Looking for a good time, are we sir?"
I said, "Why, how much do you charge?"
Those Ethiopians are a bit hypocritical...They have no problem running 26 miles for a Marathon but ask them to walk five miles for some water and its whinging and moaning!
If you say gullible REALLY SLOWLY, it sounds like oranges
What have Michael Jackson and Audley Harrison got in common?
They both wore gloves for no reason.
I went on Dragons Den with my invention, a machine that makes closet homosexuals admit they are gay.
After showing a quick demonstration, Duncan Bannatyne instantly declared "I'm out"
"See, it works" I said.
I took 66% of a poo this morning.....
Two turds.
Our government....
A dramatic development this evening with Steve Jobs looking to solve Ireland's financial woes by stepping in and actually buying the country from the exchequer.
He says he will re-brand the country with a new name:
iLand
I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
---
Paddy & Murphy are out looking for jobs when they pass a lumberjacks. Paddy goes up to the head lumberjack and asks if any jobs are going.
"Actually, we're after tree fellers right now." replied the lumberjack.
Paddy looked disappointed and said, "Pity, there's only two of us."
---
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going ?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."
Bono and Bob Geldof are looking to re-release the Live Aid single "Do they know it's Christmas" in time for Christmas. It will be exclusively released in Africa with all proceeds going to Ireland
The SFA have confirmed that referees were to go on strike this coming weekend. However, after consulting at length with their linesmen, they've changed their minds.
Why was the old Irish currency called the punt?
It rhymed with banker.
sorry if already posted,
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.
“But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!”
“Bring them along!” said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too.”
“But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!” he answered.
“Bring them as well!” answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!”
Got this one from here, not my own
An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!