There are only 3 kinds of people; those who can count and those who can't.
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There are only 3 kinds of people; those who can count and those who can't.
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration... 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
- I don't know and I don't care.
I went to a night class for Fonzy impersionations.
I just got my results...
I got straight eeeeeyyyyyy's! :)
Paddy and his friends are at a bar, and there is a prize to be won for the person who gives the best toast. Paddy takes the win by saying, "heres to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife."
Later Paddy goes home and wakes up his wife and goes, "look, wife, I've won a prize for the best toast!"
The wife says,"what did you say?"
"Ummm...spending the rest of me life in church!"
"Thats sweet" the wife smiles.
A couple of days later Paddy and his wife are out, and they see one of Paddys friends from the bar.
He says," congrats on winning Paddy!"
The wife kisses Paddy on the cheek,"He is so sweet"
Paddys mate goes,"Aye, but did he tell you what he won it for?"
"Yeah, but to be honest I was very surprised...he's only been there twice!The first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him behind the ears to make him come!"
------------------------------------------------
After spending a night in a hotel I went to the reception desk.
The receptionist said, "Can I check you out sir?"
I said, "Go for it, I hope you like what you see".
Ive just been sent home from work early.
Apparently, having a 'dress down day' for the pakistan flood appeal does not justify showing up in a lifejacket, flippers and water wings.
Fifa president Sepp Blatter has come under more critism about goal line technology, this time from his wife
''i know how they feel, ive been asking him if it was in or not for years'' said his wife.
Ive always wanted to punch Michael Buble around, but i just havent met him yet !
Is it wrong that I clicked on this tab without reading the thread title, read the first sentence and thought, "Bloody Rovers fans"?Quote:
Originally Posted by Ciaran W
No i guess it wouldn't be suprising from many other rovers fans
List of best and worst jokes from Fringe Festival here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202
Winning joke was -Quote:
1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
What's invisible and smells of lettuce? A rabbit's fart.
Thank you Jake for sharing that one with me.
"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."Quote:
Originally Posted by osarusan
Love that one!
I did not fart. It was my balls giving my arse a round of applause.
i was chatting up a girl in a bar last night and i said to her "can i smell your vagina"
she said "no you cannot" slapped me in the face and walked off.
Must've been her feet
Mary Bale said it was a momentary lapse of judgement and i believe her, after all havent we all at some stage put a cat in the blue recycle bin when of course it should go into the brown compost bin
New on Channel Four!
Coming live and uninterrupted from Chile,
33 contestants,
...
4 months,
1 cave.
Dig Brother
What have someone from Monaghan and a pregnant cow got in common?
They are both near Cavan.
gary glitter is heading for the caves of chile, hes heard there loads of mine/ors there,
(With apologies to Myles na gCopaleen)
Keats had recently taken computer classes, and after mastering the basics, soon he was readily browsing the Web. Perusing the various sites available alone, he endeavoured to create his own, despite Chapman's scepticism, and focused on his interest in military history, specifically the Afrika Korps. At first, the page was a tremendous success, drawing thousands of daily hits, before eventually interest waned, and eventually dwindled to zero. Disillusioned and disheartened, Keats pulled the plug, but was far from consoled by Chapman's smug reply "It was blatantly obvious that your venture would prove a failure. I explicitly warned that you were blogging a dead force!"
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the crap out of the little rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why’d you do that? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little sh1te has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
Get your coat ffs.Quote:
Originally Posted by culloty82
Day 1 in the Dig Brother cave and the contestants are already beginning tofeel enclosed by their surroundings.Quote:
Originally Posted by danthesaint
Coat. Hat. Gone.
A woman with tiny tits goes into M&S and asks for a bra size of 32AAAA, but they don’t do anything in M&S that small. She then goes into Dunnes and asks for the same and again finds they don’t do anything there that small. After several stores and the same answer, she storms into Debenhams, marches up to the lingerie department, pull’s her top off and yells “Do you have anything for these?” to which the assistant replies “Have you tried Clearsil….?”
Wanted:
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327
:)
I remember during the world cup shouting "rooney u fat stupid c*nt
u couldn’t score in a brothel.....
how stupid do i feel :)
Dam you Adam, not I will have to bark at ducks from now on! GRRRRR.
There's a scratch on my Call of Duty CD, and it won't work anymore.
I must find an Italian, they're good at fixing games.
Or you could find a Pakistani...Quote:
Originally Posted by Supreme feet
I have the French version of Call of Duty game,when it loads up the only option is "quit".Quote:
Originally Posted by Supreme feet
I ordered the American version but it turned up several years late.
Yeah, but few of the American reviewers are willing to admit as much.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr A
Was the Irish version of that not originally called "Just a bit of bother"?
Read this one today..
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?".
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Im making tea".
I sat down in front of the TV today and turned on Dave....
I wasn't even trying to be sexy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dahamsta
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four Euro," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
How do you turn a duck into a Soul Singer??
Put him in the Microwave untill his Bill Withers.
After one hour in prison George Michael had a chocolate bar shoved up his arse by a fellow inmate.
Prison officers said it was just a careless wispa.
What do George Michael and Chilean miners have in common?
Both will be free after eight weeks of heavy drilling.
I assume everyone's seen the wall he hit.
http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/a...0_1111970j.jpg