guy walks into a chemist and asks for a pack of condoms
girl behind the counter said we dont have any , did you try boots
guy says i was planning on slipping in not marching in ......
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guy walks into a chemist and asks for a pack of condoms
girl behind the counter said we dont have any , did you try boots
guy says i was planning on slipping in not marching in ......
Whats yellow and smells like bananas? Monkey's vomit.
Stephen Hawking had a hot date last night.
She stood him up...
And he immediately fell on the floor.
What's the difference between the Iceland volcano and Cheryl Cole?
The volcano is still blowing ash
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Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
Whats the difference between people from Dubai and Abu Dhabi???
People from Dubai don't watch the Flintstones, while people from Abu Dhabi doooo.
:D
Love it Strangey, kinda silly humour that makes Mondays more bearable!
barcelonas new ball control technique
http://www.fcbarcelona.com/web/Galer...ENTRENO_18.JPG
not a joke, but i thought it was funny
My son has really been ****ing me off recently by using American words and phrases.
He calls orange juice, "OJ", and repeatedly uses words like "awesome" and "bro".
So, I thought, "Well if he wants to feel American, I'll help him do it properly."
So I walked into his school today and shot him and six of his classmates dead.
I love working at the florist next to the cemetery.
I have absolutely no interest in flowers, I just get off on feigning ignorance and saying, "Who's the lucky lady?" to grieving customers.
Heard the one about the gay magician?
He disappeared with a puff.
Got this from one of those groups on facebook
Paddy drags a huge metal box along 2 the bbc antiques roadshow in dublin.
He patiently q's 2 c 1 of the experts.'Where did u get this' asks the expert.
'Oh, bjesus' its been in my loft for 40 yrs replies Paddy, and I think it must b sum kind of family heirloom?
I c says the expert, tell me do u have any insurance?
"No" replies Paddy, do you think I should have?
Yes replies the expert, its your fuking water tank!!
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great Chest you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."
He takes off his trousers and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies: I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!!
(Courtesy of my mum)
Lads, I was having dinner with MC Hammer and Chico last night and I asked if anyone had the time. It was absolute carnage.
Yikes, I stepped on some cornflakes earlier......does that make me a cereal killer?
What to do on an airplane when you are seated next to a real jerk
1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your internet browser.
6 Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the sky, or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply and open this site: http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.
I got this a short time ago from a friend, in Saudi Arabia. Very, very funny!
Also known as "How to get shot by an Air Marshal". :)
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon - I cant say this when I am sober!http://www.munsterfans.com/forum/asp...n.gif&Size=500
5. Chrysanthemum
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
01. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
02. Nope, no more booze for me.
03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
04. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
07. I'm not interested in fighting you.
08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
A dustman is going along the street picking up the wheely bins.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, and then knocks on the door.
Eventually a Chinese man answers... "Harro", he says.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toiret" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toiret I told you" says the Chinese man.
"Mate", says the dustman..."you're misunderstanding me... Where's your wheelie bin?"
"OK, OK", says the Chinese guy. "I wheely bin having a w@nk...:devil:
I have been collecting the 2010 world cup stickers.
I've completed every team except for Japan & Korea where I keep getting the same players over again.
A few classic 1 liners from Tommy Cooper.
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head..
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat *******!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, ‘Well don't go there anymore’
23.. Ireland ’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Gareth Barry - £12m
Roque Santa Cruz - £17.5m
Joleon Lescott - £22m
Emanual Adebeyor - £25m
Carlos Tevez - £30m
Kolo Toure - £16m
Adam Johnson - £7m
Robinho - £32m
Craig Bellamy - £14m
Shaun Wright-Phillips - £9m
Wayne Bridge - £12m
Manchester City not qualifying for the Champions League . . . Priceless.
It's just not the same without Tommy's delivery!Quote:
Originally Posted by smellyfeet
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ky...5pdao1_500.jpgQuote:
Originally Posted by dahamsta
Go on Youtube, some great stuff, Its even shows the scene when he die's on stage, the audience think its part of his act, freaky stuff.Quote:
Originally Posted by dahamsta
How fitting he should die on stage. What a legend. I have all his DVDs at home, I watch them over and over again.
Heres one of my favourites:
My dog took a big bite out of my knee. A friend of mine said: "Did you put anything on it?" I said: "No, he liked it as it was."
Paddy & Mick go down to the local job centre, but theres a big sign on the door saying 'Interviews for deaf people only'. Never the less they decide to put on an act. Paddy walks into the office, and the interviewer says "shut the door". He does, and the man says to Paddy.."you're not deaf at all. get out". Anyway, Paddy comes out and tells Mick whatever you do don't shut the door. Mick goes into the office, and the interviewer says the same. "shut the door". Mick replies "No, shut it yourself"
One just off the telly but what harm, it's one of my faves!
A white horse goes into a bar. The barman says "'ere, we have a drink named after you!"
The horse says "What? Eric??!!"
What do you call a defiant Roman cannibal?
Gladiator.
Random Jokes:
Gordon Brown's resignation has made a significant impact on the British public and beyond.
Eastenders was cancelled.
Sick of having your house Burgled?
Save money on home security by simply writing the words "Job Centre" on your door.
"I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad."
What's pink and fluffy and goes round and round?
SPOILER: Stephen Gately's suitcase at the airport
If there are three apples on a table and Jamal takes two of them,
SPOILER: What colour is Jamal?
Whats the definition of optimism?
A ginger buying condoms!
Two of Bin Laden's wives getting ready to hit the town for the night,one wife trying on a new outfit turns to the other and says-"Does my bomb look big in this?"
In the news; "Woman arrested for killing her kids whilst on holiday in Spain".
Silly cow should have gone to Portugal, she would have got away with it there.
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his ****in' widow."
I cheated on my wife with a gorgeous young weather-girl.
My judgement was clouded.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter 'What are you doing?'She asked.'Hunting Flies'He responded.'Oh. ! Killing any?'She asked.'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied. Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded, 3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone.
Sometimes I enjoy my steak undercooked, but that's rare
Jaysus thats badQuote:
Originally Posted by Deckydee