Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

Some gems from my mum!

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
> > >>> " I almost had an affair with another woman."
> >
> >>> The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
> >>>
> >>> The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
> >>> but then I stopped."
> >>>
> >>> The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
> >>> You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
>Mary's
> >>> and put $50 in the poor box."
> >>>
> >>> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
>over to the

> >>> poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
> >>> The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
>that.
> >>> You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
> >>>
> >>> The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
> >>> according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
> >>>
> >>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>> There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
> >>> Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I
> >>> have sinned."
> >>>
> >>> The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
> >>>
> >>> The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad
> >>> passionate love to me seven times."
> >>>
> >>> The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven
> >>> lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
> >>>
> >>> The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
> >>>
> >>> The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
> >>>
> >>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
> >>>
> >>> A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
> >>> was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
> >>> "You're beautiful."
> >>>
> >>> Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that
>before,
> >>> so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered
> >>> open and he said, "You're cute."
> >>>
> >>> The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
>"cute."
> >>>
> >>> She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
> >>>
> >>> The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
> >>>
>
>>>*********************************************** **********************************

> >>>
> >>> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
> >>>
> >>> company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
> >>> priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass

> >>> for the poor creature?"
> >>>
> >>> Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
>an
> >>> animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
> >>> there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
> >>> the creature."
> >>>
> >>> Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is
>enough
> >>> to donate to them for the service?"
> >>>
> >>> Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
> >>> didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
> >>>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>>
> >>> An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
>ensues:
> >>> Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
> >>> children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
> >>> picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where
> >>> I had sex with each of them three times."
> >>>
> >>> Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
> >>>
> >>> Man: "What sins?"
> >>>
> >>> Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
> >>>
> >>> Man: "I'm Jewish."
> >>>
> >>> Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
> >>>
> >>> Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
> >>>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>>
> >>> A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
> >>> pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
> >>> bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
> >>>
> >>> "Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she
> >>> pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
> >>>
> >>> The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
> >>> bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
> >>>
> >>> "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
> >>>
> >>> "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
> >>>
> >>> "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
>replied.
> >>>
> >>> "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
> >>>
> >>> The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little *******s!"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything.



He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

Kids Writing about the Sea..... CUTE!!


1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

(Kelly, age 6)


2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.

(James age 6)


3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't
have sea all round you, you are in continent.

( Wayne age 7)



4) Sharks are ugly and mean and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.

(Kylie age 6)



5) A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head.

(Billy age 8)



6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with
crabs.

(Millie age 6)



7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better
off
eating beans.

(William age 7)



8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny
tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?

(Helen age 6)



9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.

(Amy age 6)



10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.

(Christopher age 7)



11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small.

(Kevin age 6)



12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.

(Becky age 8)



13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her
fanny.

(Julie age 7)

The first one reminds me of my youngest son when he was about 3 yrs old and we were in a chinese and he wanted to order for himself. Being a polite young boy he asked for Chicken Testicles coz I had always insisted him and his brother call their balls by the correct name. It was very funny but kinda embarrasing too!

A man walks into a psychiatrists office dressed in a tutu,diving mask and slippers. "doctor" he says, "i'm worried about my brother"

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Pittsburgh, he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail then."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

The best of the thread are the anti-jokes imo.
Was asking the buddy would we bring another fella out for pints while ago and he said.
Him? His idea of a great night out is Sir Elton John.

Quote:

---

The first one reminds me of my youngest son when he was about 3 yrs old and we were in a chinese and he wanted to order for himself. Being a polite young boy he asked for Chicken Testicles coz I had always insisted him and his brother call their balls by the correct name.

---

:8

huh? thats completely weird, if even just for the fact you used the word balls after insisting they didnt?!?!?! :8

Well I dont want them growing up a potty mouth like their mum now do I?

When the person sitting next to you in an airplane starts to get on your nerves........

1. Slowly quietly and secretly with as little movement as possible take your laptop from the overhead compartment

2.Take it out of its bag

3.Turn it on

4.Hold your laptop so that the irritating person next to you can see the screen

5.Close your eyes and quickly look up to heaven

6.Click on this link

That's brilliant.

Two prostitutes hav eto have an interview with a tax collector. They are waiting outside his office thinking of jobs to make up because they are embarrased to say they are prostitutes. He calls in the first prostitute. After 15 minutes she comes out and the other one asked her what she said she worked at. "a poultry farmer" she said. The other one asks her why and she replies "because i raise 50 cocks a day"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by strangeirish

When the person sitting next to you in an airplane starts to get on your nerves........

1. Slowly quietly and secretly with as little movement as possible take your laptop from the overhead compartment

2.Take it out of its bag

3.Turn it on

4.Hold your laptop so that the irritating person next to you can see the screen

5.Close your eyes and quickly look up to heaven

6.Click on this link

---

That will get you an orange boiler suit:)

Quote:

---

potty mouth

---

...balls....hmmmm :D

strageone is that suitable for work?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by paul_oshea

strageone is that suitable for work?

---

It depends where and who you work with ;). I'd wait TBH.

ya when i saw the "funny" writing i gathered that. I work in london ( that in itself answers your first question really - i.e. ill wait ), though I dont think you mean location as such :)

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.



An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my d*ck", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't p*ss out of it," he replied.
:D

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's
name in vain today!""Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated Mother Superior. "How unfortunate that was! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" said Mother Superior, with sympathy.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so
proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her
chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said, "You missed the f____g putt, didn't you?"

What have the championship and a cordless drill got in common?

No Leeds.

A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows , but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks
them for
coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says
goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex
therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but
agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an
appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor,
then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go
to my house. Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do
it here for £50, and I get £43 back from Bupa."

did yer mother send ye that joke too Magicme?!?! ;) :D