Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

When I first came over to the U.S. as a innocent young lad, myself and a couple of friends decided to go out on the town one night in Washington DC. After a good night hitting the local night spots and no joy with the totty, we stumbled across a place that had a red light in the window. Not sure what was in there, we decided one of us should go in and investigate. My first friend heads on in and returns a half hour later.
"Whats in there?" we asked. "Well," says he, " I met this girl in there and I gave her $20 and she got two pineapple rings and put them on me you know what. It was so nice and she licked them off real slow"
My second friend couldn't wait and off he goes and returns an hour later. "Well?" we asked. "Listen, I met the same bird and gave her $40 and she got four pineapple rings and put them on me you know what. It was so nice and she licked them off real slow"
At this stage, I was beside meself, so off I went. Two hours later, out I come and the two lads can't wait to hear this one.
"What in Gods name did she do to ya?" "Well," says I, "I met the same bird and I gave her $100 and she got eight pineapple rings, whipped cream and a cherry, and put it on me you know what." " Go on" say the lads" "What next, what next, tell us now".
"Well," says I " It was so fcuking nice, I licked it off meself" :D :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by strangeirish

When I first came over to the U.S. as a innocent young lad, myself and a couple of friends decided to go out on the town one night in Washington DC. After a good night hitting the local night spots and no joy with the totty, we stumbled across a place that had a red light in the window. Not sure what was in there, we decided one of us should go in and investigate. My first friend heads on in and returns a half hour later.
"Whats in there?" we asked. "Well," says he, " I met this girl in there and I gave her $20 and she got two pineapple rings and put them on me you know what. It was so nice and she licked them off real slow"
My second friend couldn't wait and off he goes and returns an hour later. "Well?" we asked. "Listen, I met the same bird and gave her $40 and she got four pineapple rings and put them on me you know what. It was so nice and she licked the off real slow"
At this stage, I was beside meself, so off I went. Two hours later, out I come and the two lads can't wait to hear this one.
"What in Gods name did she do to ya?" "Well," says I, "I met the same bird and I gave her $100 and she got eight pineapple rings, whipped cream and a cherry, and put it on me you know what." " Go on" say the lads" "What next, what next, tell us now".
"Well," says I " It was so fcuking nice, I licked it off meself" :D :D

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Feck off, strangeirish, I know that one but worth the telling again. Had the shower and the kettle is boilin..........so...

This story is weird and kinda surreal.

Main characters:
Knacky (pronounced Knee -ack -eee, with a nasal tone) B'sloe man
Bird

Knacky's moved to Galway and is feeling a bit lonesome so he decides to go to the dance. The Seapoint Ballroom in Salthill was the place to go to those days.
He puts on his best pants, complete with new twine to stop it from falling down and his least dirty overcoat.

In the ballroom, he notices an absolutely ravishing bird who is refusing every dance offer.
Over he goes and says to her: Dear Lady, it would be a great honour for me if you could accept my offer of a dance"
Bird: "At last, a true gentleman. Of course, I'd be delighted"
So off they twirl around the dancefloor for not one, but a RAKE of dances.
Knacky: "Would ya like a mineral?"
Bird: "Yes please, thank you so much"
They go to the mineral bar and Knacky orders one can of Fanta with two glasses and fills them up.
Dance ends and Knacky is still with her!!!
Knacky (holding out is hand) "Well, thanks very much and I'll say goodbye"
Bird: "You will not - you're such a true gentleman, you can leave me home"
Reluctantly, Knacky brings her outside and puts her on the bar of his bicycle.
Off up Lower Salthill they go and eventually arrive at her flat, just opposite Wards Hotel.
Knacky: "Well, goodnight, Miss"
Bird: "Such a gentlemen, I insist you come inside for a cup of coffee and no arguments"
Knacky, very reluctantly agrees after much persusion.
Kitchen, Bird puts kettle on and Knacky sits at table in a very uncomfortable state.
Bird produces two steaming hot cups of coffee.
After several minutes, she notices Knacky is not drinking.
Bird: "Why are you not drinking your coffee - is there something wrong?"
Knacky:"I can't tell you"
Bird:"Go on, if you have something on your mind, I'm a woman of the world and maybe I can advise you - and that's expensive coffee"
Knacky: "Well, as you might have noticed I have a speech problem"
Bird: "Nobody's perfect - your voice doesn't bother me"
Knack:"Well, it doesn't bother me either but........"
Bird: "But what?"
Knacky:"Ah, Jaysus, I can't tell ya"
Bird: "Look Knacky, drink your coffee and tell me what's the matter"
Knacky: "That's what's the matter"
Bird: "Come again?"
Knacky;" Well, y'see, my impediment is because I have a hole in the top of my mouth"
Bird: "So?"
Knacky: "When I drink anything, it goes through the hole, down my nose and back in to the cup again"
Bird: "God love you, but everyone need liquids, how do you manage?"
Knacky:"Oh Jayz, I can't tell you that"
Bird: "Look, nothing but nothing shocks me - how do you absord liquids?"
Knacky: "Through me ar$ehole"
Bird: "That wasn't hard to say, was it, but HOW do you take in liquids in such fashion?"
Knacky: Do you know those things people use when they run out of petrol, they pore the petrol through it from a can"
Bird:"You're luck is in, I just happen to have a brand new one in the cupboard"
Knacky: "No thanks, all the same"
Bird: "Knacky, that's rare coffee you have in front of you, you're drinking it. Now how do we manage this funnel thing?"
Knacky explains that he drops his trousers, sticks the funnel in and pours the liquid into it.
Bird: "Down with your pants, lie over the table"
Knacky does so and POP, she inserts said funnell in said orifice
Bird starts gently pouring coffee in....when...Knacky roars: "Ow.Ow, Oh Jesus"
Bird: "Oh Jesus, Knacky, is the coffee too hot?"

Knacky: "No, you fcuking eejit, you forgot to mix in the sugar"

There - a dirty joke and not a bit of sex involved.

Somebody tell me if it's funny,I can't be ar5ed to read it

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dublin12

Somebody tell me if it's funny,I can't be ar5ed to read it

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Young people these days, such short attention spans!!!! :D

Even worse ,I am old with no attention span :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dublin12

Somebody tell me if it's funny,I can't be ar5ed to read it

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I read the start and the "punchline" and didn't find it funny but perhaps it's funny in the middle. ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dublin12

Even worse ,I am old with no attention span :D

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Heh heh Welcome to the club. :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Peadar

I read the start and the "punchline" and didn't find it funny but perhaps it's funny in the middle. ;)

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It's one of those some find funny, some don't - probably better when told orally with a thick wesht of Ireland accent. Sorry you didn't like it Peadar - I'm sure I've better ones.
Jesus, you Corky Boys are hard to please. :D Was the Pancho dee Bandido one, above, any good?? :o

Anyway, it's in a terrible jokes thread so qualifies.
.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sirhamish

Anyway, it's in a terrible jokes thread so qualifies.

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It certainly does.

Here's a quickie.

Why are women like condoms?
If they're not on your willy, they're in your wallet. :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Peadar

It certainly does.

Here's a quickie.

Why are women like condoms?
If they're not on your willy, they're in your wallet. :D

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:D :D

Yes, that's much better but belongs in a good jokes thread!!

Still think the Knacky one is not THAT bad. :D

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew
yesterday...

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of
the Irish Government's FAS scheme and employ people from Dublin.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary
on how unemployed youths from the Dublin area were able to remove
a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment,
where as Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with
millions of pounds worth of high Tec equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by the Ferrari
management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari
would have an advantage over every team.

However...Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the
crew's first practice session, not only were the Dublin pit crew
able to change the Tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12
seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle over
to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilogram of speed
and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

:D

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, you never done anything wild in your life?"
With out batting an eye, the old man replied,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock,
I was just wondering if you were my son."

(kina long but good)

this old man is put into an old folks home after his wife dies,
hes in the home for 3 years without ever leaving his room.
until one day he says feck it,!its time to get on with my life.

so he befriends this elderly lady,
every day the would meet up in
the grounds of the home and chat about ant little thing.
so one day the conversation moves to sex."you know"says the old man the one thing i miss about when i was married.!
"no" says the lady
sex.!! he says
"y u dirty old man. at ur age that should b the last thing on your mind.
no says the man,nothing full on,i just miss the feeling thats all.all i want is some1 to just hold it once ina while.
"well i can hepl u there" she says

so again every day theyed meet up and she would hold his member 4 him while thay talked......until one day he never turned up,worried she went looking 4 him.she looked everywhere till she found him with a women who`s a little older by the pool doing the same job as she had done..
frantic she runs up to him shouting
"how could u,u ungreatfull little so and so"!!!!
what as she got that i dont?
to which he repiles
parkinsons!

very good..... :D

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass." :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by aido_b

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass." :D

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heard it before but i love it, brill!!!!!! :D

Sorry about this one ...

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, I've got you a job - starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I dont even have a racket." :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by aido_b

Sorry about this one ...

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, I've got you a job - starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I dont even have a racket." :D

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get your coat man :o

Quote:

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Originally Posted by DE TOWN

get your coat man :o

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Will do after this one!



A brunette goes into the doctors ans say "It hurts here, here, here and here" pointing to here head, shoulder, arm and knee.

"You're not a natural brunette are you?" enquired the doctor

"No" she replied "I'm a blonde, how do you know that?"

"Because you've broken you finger" replied the doctor. :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by aido_b

Will do after this one!



A brunette goes into the doctors ans say "It hurts here, here, here and here" pointing to here head, shoulder, arm and knee.

"You're not a natural brunette are you?" enquired the doctor

"No" she replied "I'm a blonde, how do you know that?"

"Because you've broken you finger" replied the doctor. :D

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no need to get the coat for this one, its quality :D

Prob heard this but it's a cracker!

How do we know Jesus was Irish?

Because he was still living at home at the age of 30, he thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the Son of God..... :D Taxi!!!!!

Right a couple of one liners then im outta here!

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back aga

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?

:D

Three Redneck women in a bar.
First one, Mary Jane, says: What do you call your old man, Irene?
Irene: "I calls him Big Dick"
Mary Jane: Why?
Irene: 'Cos he got a Big Dick"
Irene: What you call yo man, Britney?"
Britney: "I calls him Long John"
Irene: "Why?"
Britney: "'Cos he got a long john"
Britney:"What you call yo man, Mary Jane?"
Mary Jane: "Beaujolais"
Britney: "Aint that some kinda fancy liqour?"
Mary Jane: "That's ma man".

Large manufacturers and supermarkets are starting to produce their own brand of condoms and have subsequently adapted their advertising slogans......... :eek:

Condoms by........

Sainsburys - Making life taste better :eek:

Tesco - Every little helps

Ronseal - Does exactly what it says on the tin

Nike - Just do it

Coca-Cola - The Real Thing

M & M's - Melt in your mouth, not in your hand

Polo - The one with the hole :o

Burger King - Have it your way/You're the boss

Kfc - Finger licking good

L'Oreal - Because I'm worth it. :rolleyes:

Radio Times - If it's on, it's in :eek:

Pure filth. :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kerr's tribe

Large manufacturers and supermarkets are starting to produce their own brand of condoms and have subsequently adapted their advertising slogans......... :eek:

Condoms by........

Sainsburys - Making life taste better :eek:

Tesco - Every little helps

Ronseal - Does exactly what it says on the tin

Nike - Just do it

Coca-Cola - The Real Thing

M & M's - Melt in your mouth, not in your hand

Polo - The one with the hole :o

Burger King - Have it your way/You're the boss

Kfc - Finger licking good

L'Oreal - Because I'm worth it.

Radio Times - If it's on, it's in

---

Pepsi - the taste of a new generation :eek:

Nokia - connecting people :p

Microsoft - Where do you want to go today?

VW - Think small

Braniff Airlines - When you got it, flaunt it

Forbes - Capitalist Tool

Shell - You can be sure of Shell

Access - You're flexible friend

AT&T - reach out and touch someone

Lay's - Betcha can't eat just one

Smarties - WotAlotIgot

...

It's Miller time!!!

Got Milk? :(

A man gets up one morning to find his wife
already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees
one of his socks in the frying pan.

What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night
when you came to bed very drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away
thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking
her to cook my sock..."

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each
week
>so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
>There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each
week
>and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
>understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
> "Look, it's not the same hat!"
> or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
>or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
>
>The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
>the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship
>unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician
>luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the
>sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.
>
>They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.
>This went on for a day... and then 2 days...and then 3 days. Finally
on
>the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said......
>
>"OK, I give up. Where's the Fliping ship?"

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the ther possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the First year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and komputer keyboards kan have one less
letter.

In the Sekond year there will be growing publik enthusiasm, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the Third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should be dropd.

By the Fourth year, people will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ze fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sesibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

AND ZEN VE VIL TAKE OVER ZE VORLD

Q. Whats the biggest Drawback of the jungle?
A. An elephants foreskin...

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard confronts him and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose,shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by padjoe

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the ther possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the First year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and komputer keyboards kan have one less
letter.

In the Sekond year there will be growing publik enthusiasm, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the Third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should be dropd.

By the Fourth year, people will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ze fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sesibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

AND ZEN VE VIL TAKE OVER ZE VORLD

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LOL :D :D :D

What's pink and hard???





...Maths Paper II

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a
long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall
and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray
and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very
slow fashion, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from
CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety
and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a ****in wall."

I`ve been married to my wife for 20 yrs & I still worship the ground she`s going into.



Two lads in a pub: My wifes a little angel.
Lucky b@sard, mines still alive. ;) :o

Bill and Hilary Clinton moved house to a new area and Bill soon got into the habit of taking his daily jog in a beautiful, nearby park.
However, each day, on each jog, whenever he approached a certain bend on the track, a hooker would jump out and shout "50 bucks".
Bill would reply, "5 bucks" and run on.
This happened every day.
One day, Hilary decided to join him on the jog.
Bill was very apprehensive approaching that bend and, sure enough, saw the hooker.
As the pair reached the bend, Hooker shouts "Now, look what ya get for 5 bucks!"


Rufus and Cleetus, two good ol' rednecks, were drinking a few beers in front of Rufus's trailer.
Rufus said, "Cleetus, if I went over to your trailer, screwed your wife and made her pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Cleetus, "Dunno, but it would make us even".

The Christmas Parrot

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale.
He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its right foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away.

Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”

Quote:

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Originally Posted by strangeirish

The Christmas Parrot

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale.
He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its right foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away.

Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”

---

LOL Nice one strangeirish.....do you get emails from Tiggy's Rib Ticklers/Funlol/Funthumbmissy etc ?......they're joke sites with funny videos, jokes etc and I get an email from each of them every day........there's a similar joke to yours on one I read today but not near as good. It's called Kermit Jagger and I'm trying to remember it just now.

Think I recall it now - shouldn't have deleted it so here goes.

Frog goes in to a bank and is directed to a lady called Ms. Pattie Whack.
He says to her, "I want a $30,000 loan".
Ms. Whack says, "Have you got collateral?"
Frog produces a tiny porcelain elephant and says, "Here's my collateral and just tell your manager that Mick Jagger is my father and there should be no problem".
Ms. Whack goes to her manager and says, "There's a frog at the counter and he wants a $30,000 loan, all he's got is this little elephant for collateral and he also says that Mick Jagger's his dad".
The manager says,
"It's a knick knack, Pattie Whack
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone".

Getting coat........ :D