Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom

drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over

whom should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents

and the judge

initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with

child custody law

and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained

to the degree

possible.



The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his

aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly

refused to live with her.



When the judge then suggested that he live with his

grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.



After considering the remainder of the immediate family

and learning that domestic violence was apparently a

way of life among them, the

judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy

to propose who

should have custody of him.



After two recesses to check legal references and confer

with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary

custody to the Republic

of Ireland soccer team , whom the boy firmly believes

are not capable of

beating anyone.

i hear mayo are favourites for next years all-ireland folling the release of their sharp shooter...

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blond!

The glamorous blond strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar."

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blond.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blond reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.

"'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blond started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? (I hope so cause I'm going in a sweat suit)

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
>>and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his
>>highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
>>
>>This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than
>>30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to
>>afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
>>
>>Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
>>husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
>>explained that his employer was going through a process of
>>corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that,
>>at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid
>>anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were
>>financially ruined.
>>
>>Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than
>>thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1
>>million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
>>bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they
>>were one of the largest depositors in the ba nk.
>>
>>She explained that for the more than three decades she had
>>"charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were
>>the results of her savings and investments.
>>
>>Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million,
>>her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he
>>found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you
>>were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
>>*
>>*
>>*
>>*
>>*
>>*
>>*
>>*
>>
>>That's when she shot him.
>>
>>
>>You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths
>>shut.
>>

[QUOTE=Magicme;554891]

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

/QUOTE]

I went through a phase of eating really burned toast :eek: :o

My toaster doesn't burn it properly. I enjoy burnt toast every now and again but mine lacks the power required.

Do it under the grill then.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BohsPartisan

Do it under the grill then.

---

Brilliant:D

Ach that isn't the same. I do it under the grill for a different type of toast and besides I'd have to burn it twice and it just wouldn't have the same taste. Anyhoo lets move this back on topic to some jokes.

A guy goes to his local Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?"
"Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years."
The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you injured in any way?"
The guy says "Yes, big time. A land mine blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy "OK,I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. then why don't you want me to come in until 10:00 AM?"

"This is a Council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that."

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years serving the parish.

A leading local politician member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was late getting there, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here.

I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me, he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good

And loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.

He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the very first person to go to him for confession."

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
!
BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...







and,











(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)




The coffin stops :D

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" to which
she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor Party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then
stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the
>morgue needed someone to identify the body.
> His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen),were sent for.
>Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yep,
>he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.
>Seamus looked and said "Nope, it aint Paddy". The mortician thought that
>was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean
>took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over. The
>mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No,it ain't
>Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy
>had two arseholes." "What............., he had two arseholes???" said the
>mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went
>into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

> ************************************************** *********************
> Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
>checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to
>put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four". "Quattro is just the name
>of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly "Look at the
>papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can not pull that
>one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your
>car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies
>angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone
>with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2
>guys in a Fiat Uno."


> ************************************************** *********************
> Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
>show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather
>perplexed to see a large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's
>that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking
>Clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said,
>giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a
>voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For ****sake, you b*stard,
>it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"


> ************************************************** *********************
> Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said,"You are
>charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the
>back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You
>are also charged with beating your Mother-in-Law to death with a spanner."
>Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing
>b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the
>courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at
>this crime, but will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I
>shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the
>back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next
>door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ****ing spanner,
>he said he didn't have one!"

> ************************************************** *********************
> A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks
>in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he
>looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens
>about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep
>looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in
>there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

An American, a Brit and a Chinese man are all drafted into some crazy post apocolyptic army where they would all be on the same side.

Anyway, the general turns to them and say to the American, "Get yo ass down to the mess hall and sort us out some food!"

"YES, SIR!" shouts the yank, and runs off.

The genral turns to the Brit and shouts "Get you ass down to the armoury and get us some damn hell ass guns!"

"YES, SAH!" shouts the Brit, and runs off.

The General turns to the Chinese man, and says "Get yo ass down to the inventory, sort us out some supplies!"

"Yes, Sir!" Shouts the Chinaman, and runs off.

4 Hours later, the Genral returns to find the Brit and American waiting patiently in a line.
The general says "I can see the food, I can see the damn hell ass guns, but where in the sweet jesus **** is the Chinaman?"

"he hasn't come back from down the hall" says the Brit.

The General marches down the hall angrily, and goes into one of the rooms, and flips on a light switch.

"SUPPLIES!!!!" yells the Chinaman, jumping from behing a shelf.

Fri, 27 October 2006 12:55

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says 'My feet are freezing. Could you nip upstairs and get my slippers please, mate?'
'No bother' says Murphy and runs upstairs.
Up there are Paddy's two stunning 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on their bed.
'Hello girls' says Murphy 'Your Dad sent me up here to shag you both'.
'f**k off, ye liar' they say.
'I'll prove it!' says Murphy and shouts downstairs 'Both of them, Paddy?'
To which Paddy replies 'Of course, ya daft ***** - what's the use in f**king one...?'

The latest craze with clubbers is to fill a womans
vagina with vodka and drink it through a straw.


Experts are now warning about the dangers of minge drinking

Boom Boom!

NORTHSIDE LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN


NAME _________________________



NICK-NAME ____________________



GANG NAME ____________________



1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300 Euro and 90 grams to Tomo for 90 Euro a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?



2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 Euro a royde, how many roydes per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 Euro a day crack habit?



3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 Euro, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?



4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got €350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends €33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of the 'Joy?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?



5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?



6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35 mph, Eamo loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?



SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT



MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
NAME______________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ____________(if longer, please continue on a separate sheet)



SCHOOL____________________



DADDY'S COMPANY___________



1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?



2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?



3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?



4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?



5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?

COUNTRY LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
OUTSIDE DUBLIN


Name: Paddy/Mary _________________________



1. If Paddy Joe Murphy drove a Massey Ferguson through Paddy John’s turnip crop at 10miles an hour. What colour was Paddy John's tractor?



2. If John Joe likes Mary and Mary likes Paddy, how much is a pint of stout in O'Brien's at the crossroads?



3. Paddy Joe Mahoney has 25 sheep, 10 cows, 12 hens, a cockerel and 6 geese. John Joe has 12 sheep, 18 cows and 12 pigs. How much does Paddy Joe offer to John Joe for a dowry for Mary?



4. If it takes Sarah Jane 40 minutes to cycle 12 miles to O'Brien's on the crossroads for the ceilidh and it takes Mary Murphy 40 minutes to walk 2 miles to O'Brien's, which girl will end up in John Joe's hay barn?



5. If Paddy Joe's prize hen can lay 4 eggs every morning and his other hens can lay only two each the odd morning, which one will he have for Sunday dinner?

Let them begin...



I was out on the lash with Saddam last night. You should see the state of him this morning, he's fu*king hanging