Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

Some Rules of Manhood!!!

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss's car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37
seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his friends

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden.
However, complain at will if the temperature is
unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
optional.

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the
weakest.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
sunning on a tropical beach......and only if it's free.

Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos.....Ever. Issue
closed


If a man's fly is down, that's his problem; you didn't see

anything.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively-dressed woman
must remain
sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza,
but not both; that's just greedy.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about
his choice of
beer.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.



Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

Never talk to a man in a bathroom while urinating. If someone
next to
you breaks this rule, a simple grunt, while staring straight
ahead
is all
the conversation you need.

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up
if necessary.

The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a
friend" have
carnal drunken monkey sex:D :D , the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is
no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about love comes around.

It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not
acceptable for
her
to drive yours.

Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime
green,
orange or sky blue.

The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an X-box. End
of
story.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because
you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required
to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would
take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but
it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things."

"Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and
glorify Me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside;
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment; why she
cries; what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can
make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge."

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway
in Germany. A man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks,
"What's going on?" The man tells him, "Terrorists
have kidnapped three England fans for a 10 million
euro ransom or they're going to douse them
with petrol and set them on fire. We're going
from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone
giving, on average?"

The man replies, "About two gallons..."
:D

In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked
if




he would ever go down on one knee again ............




In response he said, ''I'd prefer it if you called her Heather.''

;) :D :p

Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has
been my crutch for so long," she cried. In an earlier briefing, she
said "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm completely stumped."
-----------------------------
"She's running around in circles," according to a close friend. "She
will need all the support she can get. It's not like it's easy to walk
out on a relationship like this.
-----------------------------
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to
the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world,
amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles,
and subsequent musical collaborations. If an agreement hasn't been
signed, it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.
----------------------------
Rumours that abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may
have been the cause. "She's terrible," a source stated, "always trying
to get her leg over".
---------------------------
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. "Macca couldn't handle it any more," a friend said. "He would
get home at night and find her legless."
----------------------------
Many have attributed this to a problem that started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new
prosthetic leg for Christmas, but that was just a stocking-filler. The
main gift was a plane, but he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.
---------------------------
Lyric by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all aquiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river.
----------------------------
A miner in Tasmania loses a leg in a mine accident. He says to his
mate "Now I'm stuffed, who will want a one-legged gold-digger?" His
mate says: "Try Paul McCartney."
-----------------------------
Q. What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
A. The McCartneys
-----------------------------
These jokes are funny, but please spare a thought for Paul. Now she
has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman to fill her
shoe.

why did mickey mouse dump minny?

cos she was fcuken goofy.

Did you hear about the two Irish gay guys?

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael....

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.":eek: :D

Need Samples
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Jerry received a parrot for his birthday.
The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least very rude.

Jerry tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and became even more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation. Jerry put the parrot in the FREEZER.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was a quiet-----
-Not a sound for half a minute. Jerry was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The Parrot calmly stepped out onto Jerry's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

Jerry was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made the difference and caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did???"

Sven announced to the team that to get Wayne Rooney to play they were going to arrange for him to have a Cortisone Injection. This was met with sullen silence by the rest of the team, eventually Beckham said "Well if he is going to get an Italian sports car we all want one as well"

I know some of these (maybe all!) have been heard before but still funny.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
...but she didn't wear that one very often

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you ********.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*** him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money

what goes aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh?


a sheep with no lips. :D

You know it's 2006 when......

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
















14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.












15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Things to ponder...

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

.Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

You sore losers you sore losers
You sore losers you sore losers

You got nocked out you got nocked out England got nocked out
You got nocked out you got nocked out England got nocked out

Tears 4 Rooney dressed in white
Why does he always start a fight
They will cry
They will blame
Fans wantin to jump Ronaldo in the street
Why cant they just take defeat
They just couldnt handle the heat
And now were singin

Tears down his face
Why did he stamp cavalho in the 1st place
Hes got 4 more years to wait
When will u stop believin

Talk about Rooney Stampin some one on the floor
We’ve seen it all before
He will kick, he will moan
And now I see scolari ready 4 war
Figo as good as b4
Pauleta certain to score
And Ricardo screaming

Tears down his face
Why did he stamp cavalho in the 1st place
Hes got 4 more years to w8
When will u stop believin

Wen will he play fair
Its like he doesnt even care

You sore losers you sore losers
You sore loser you sore losers

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DmanDmythDledge

You got nocked out you got nocked out England got nocked out

---

The k in knocked is silent, not invisible.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by John83

The k in knocked is silent, not invisible.

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:D :D :D ......

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by John83

The k in knocked is silent, not invisible.

---

I just copied and pasted it- I wasn't bothered fixing all the spelling mistakes.