Did you here the one about the Polish water polo team?
The horses drowned......... :D
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Did you here the one about the Polish water polo team?
The horses drowned......... :D
If a Paddy and a Polack fell off a bridge, which one would reach the water first?
The Polack - Paddy would have to ask for directions! :o
This chap breaks into a house in a a nice area and starts putting dvd players and ornaments into his rucksack when he hears a voice saying 'Jesus is watching you', He stops and thinks he's just hearing things and gets back to what he's doing when again he hears 'Jesus is watching you', he panics and turns on the light only to see a parrot in a cage staring at him, 'Was that you saying that?', he asks the parrot, 'Yes it was', the parrot replies.. The man says looking confused, 'what are you talking about, are you Jesus or something?', 'No' the parrot says 'Im moses', The thief sniggers and says, 'What kind of family calls a parrot moses?', The parrot squaks 'The same family that calls a Pit Bull Jesus'
:D :D :DQuote:
Originally Posted by M@ttitude
Nice one M@gnitude.
You're the sound bloke who helped me with the internet hassles a while back. Haven't seen you in Footieland for a while??
M@gnitude? HaHa, babe-magnet-dude you mean. Yeah, ive been reading on and off but not posting much. Another joke......Quote:
Originally Posted by sirhamish
How many light bulbs does it take to change a dyslexic??
Quote:
Originally Posted by M@ttitude
Well Holy DOG!!! Another good one from the BABE MAGNET???
Stop bragging - just enjoy it.
Sigh. Tis just fond memories to me. :D
What d ya call postman Pat when he's unemployed?
Eh .... Pat!
What does 50 cent use to clean his floor?
Bleeeeeotch!
Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
It stops them whistling on the way down! (so sorry! :D )
Wait'll Kerrs Tribe and Babysis see that last one aido b - you're a dead man. :eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by aido_b
Still funny though. :D
The Irishman on Liverpool's docks would leave the job early every lunchtime, telling his workmates, 'I'm just going for more cotton.'
When he died they wrote this epitaph on his headstone:
'Gone - but not for cotton.'
Three characters: Knacky, Micky and the Preacher.
Best to read this "joke" out loud and when Knacky speaks
Say his line in a squeeky, nasal voice for best effect. (Knee -ack-ee)
B'sloe men Knacky and Micky depressed. Knacky has a voice impediment and Micky has a deformed leg.
Both tried all types of cure - no luck.
They heard about this preacher in Redneck Springs, Alabama.
He's supposed to perform miracle cures.
Over to Alabama they go.
Reach Redneck Springs, huge crowd, preacher in full voice.
"Welcome all the way from Ireland, brothers Knacky and Micky, Haleluiah!!
!I'm gonna heal your wounds, pray to the Lawd!
Preacher instructs both to go behind curtain while he prays out loud.
"Brothers, sisters, let us all pray for the recovery of Knacky and Micky".
Crowd swoons, prays, screams etc etc
Preacher roars:
"Brother Micky - cast out your crutches"
Pair of crutches sail out over curtain crashing onto ground in front of Preacher.
All present shout "Halleluhiah"
"Brother Knacky - speak to us all in a firm, strong voice"
Knacky : "Micky fell"
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He screeches to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, followed by a deafening gunshot blast.
“Ok,” the hunter says. “Now what?” :D
:D :D :DQuote:
Originally Posted by aido_b
A naive young vicar from Lawth
Raged against sins such as sloth
He preached masturbation
To the whole congregation
And was washed down the aisle in the froth.
Oh dear said the widow Mulgrew
As the randy young curate withdrew
I pre - fer the vicar
He's quicker and slicker
And half an inch thicker than you
Nice joke, last one of the evening ....
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly,emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whisky?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "'Tis absolutely fantastic!
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too.
There once was a man from Bengal
Who had a hexagonal ball
Along with its mate
Plus his penis plus eight
Was twice the square root of fcuk all
What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers
Get your coat, NOW!!!! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Réiteoir
Quote:
Originally Posted by Réiteoir
I'm havin that...thats very good....
I know its cruel but it make me laugh.... :D
A man had two great tickets for the Cup final. As he sits down, another
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in
England, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.My wife was supposed
to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to
take the seat?
The man shakes his head... .
"No. They're all at the funeral."
Quote:
Originally Posted by aido_b
LOL Brilliant! :D
aido b strikes again. Top man. :D
Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Jesus, strangeirish, I came across that joke only last night on one of the joke sites I get emailed to me each day. You must be telepathic!!! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by strangeirish
I keep getting these from my mother via E-mail from Australia. I need to put her in my spam folder!!!!!!!! :D :DQuote:
Originally Posted by sirhamish
Hope she doesn't see that comment. If she does, it's trousers round the ankles and the strap for you, you pup. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by strangeirish
Yea, I can see it now, pulling me by the ear to the back yard yelling "Ya little scut ya, yer father won't recognise by the time I'm done with ya" :D Mad women in her day!!!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by sirhamish
Dead right too!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by strangeirish
I remember, it was donkey's years ago, my mum chasing me for misbehaving. I scuttled up a tree and stayed there until she cooled down. Seemed like weeks I was up there.
Still went to bed with a sore ass. :eek:
Can laugh about it now. :D
Worst time though was when I let off a ripper of a fart and my sister came from her bedroom with an iron poker and fairly whacked me despite my best efforts to make myself small under the covers. I was fcuking black and blue with bruises the next morning.
My sister, how she hated/hates farts!!! :D
I remember me granny chasing me with a tool from the fireplace. Can't remember what I had done, but she couldn't catch me after chasing me half way around the farm. So she sets her dog after me, who the week before had drank a half a gallon of petrol! Anyway, as I was running as hard as I still could, I turned around and saw the fceker on his back with all fours up in the air. My grandmother was in bits and called to the neighbour for help. He came over and looked at the dog and said "Oh dear God". "What is it?" screams me granny. "Was it heart failure?"Quote:
Originally Posted by sirhamish
"No" says the neighbour, "he ran out of petrol" :D
:D :D :DQuote:
Originally Posted by strangeirish
strangeirish legend
Here's a dry one and not PC.
Black bloke and a honky were arguing whether God was black or white.
Both went to Jerusalem.
Black guy shouts out: "God, is you black or white?"
Honky shouts out: "God, are you black or white?"
Earth trembles, lightening and thunder etc.
Voice booms out from on high.
"Ah is what ah is".
Classic!Quote:
Originally Posted by strangeirish
Fugging Classic!!
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
:D
:D :D :DQuote:
Originally Posted by aido_b
aido b - top marks.
Bloke sitting at a bar drinking a Martini..
Stunning blonde walks in and sits beside him. She orders an orange juice.
Blonde turns to bloke and says : "My gynecologist has just told me I'm pregnant so I'm celebrating"
Bloke: "Congratulations, I'm celebrating too"
Blonde: "How is that?"
Bloke: "I'm a chicken farmer, for months my hens were infertile but this morning I discovered that they aren't anymore"
Blonde: "How did that happen?"
Bloke: "I changed cocks"
Blonde: "What a coincidence, so did I" :eek: :D
a man walks into a pub and calls 3 pints of guinness...the man does this everynite for 2 years,the man would call the 3 pints per call and down everyone.so the barman gets to ask him "come ere whats the story with the 3 pints per round like"!?.
so the man replys " i have a brother in america and a brother in austrailia,and everynite we used go for a few pints and that was the call."right says the barman,just wondering.
so one day he walks in and orders only 2,not wanting to seem noisy the barman just pours the two pints and says nothing,until the third round.
"look" said the barman."i dont wanna seem like im intruding but for the last 2 years its been the 3 pints per round 4 u and the 2 brothers of yours,hassomthing happened to one of them?
"no no no! says the man everythings fine,im just on the dry.!
thank u thank u.
Boom Boom :D :D :DQuote:
Originally Posted by steven17
This one is for Trekkies.
Why is Lieutenant Uhura Brown??
William Shatner.
a german is driving threw mahon,lost he stops the car and asks a local
"sorry iz zer a B&Q in mahon,?
the local stares blank at him for about 5 mins and says" jes i duno boss but theres 2 d`s in DunDalk.
as a great man once said "boom boom"
:D :D :DQuote:
Originally Posted by sirhamish
How do catch a unique woman?
Unique up on her!!!!!!!!!!!
Taxi...........
Strangeirish strikes again with another goodie :DQuote:
Originally Posted by strangeirish
I've been thinking about posting the following for a while 'cos it's very gross but fcuk it, here goes. (It was told to a bunch of us by a part time magician called Paul Tuohy in the Cellar Bar in Galway in the 70s - he had string of similar jokes which had the entire bar pi$$ing itelf laughing)
There was a fellow called Paddy Mulhearn back in the old days who had a fierce interest in the news of the day, not only local but worldwide.
He says to himself: "Well, I've shook hands with dem all - de Valera. Lemass, de Pope but der's one fellow I'd truly love ta meet"
His friend asked him who.
"He's a Mexican fellow called Pedro Rodrigues but he's better known as Pancho dee Bandido"
So, anyway, Paddy decided that he'll save up the bobs and travel to Mexico to meet him and off he goes.
He arrives in Mexico city and decides that he'd have a better chance meeting Pancho if he leaves the city and heads out to the countryside.
After several enquiries, he books a bus trip to a forested area where the bandit is supposed to hang out.
The bus drops him off at a junction and the driver tells him to carry on up an old dirt road nearby.
He tramps up this dirt road for about an hour and eventually spots a peasant riding a mule and coming in his direction.
"Erra boy, I'm lookin' for Pancho dee Bandido - you wouldn't know him by any chance?"
The peasant replies: "Senior, you ask ME if I know Pancho dee Bandido?"
(He had perfect English by the way :D )
Peasant: "Only this morning, senor, I was travelling on dees very track on my mule. I meet a beeg hombre on a beeg white horse and he say 'Make way for Pancho dee Bandido'
I say, No. senor Pancho, I weel not.
He say: "If you no make way for Pancho dee Bandido, you are in beeeg trouble'
I say NO again, senor.
Then, senor Paddy, Pancho bring out a beeeeg gun and point it at me.
He say: 'Get down off your mule"
I get down off my mule
He say; 'Drop your pants'
I drop my pants
He say: Makea dee bid $h!te on the ground'
I makea dee big $h!te on the ground
He say; 'Now, eat it'
Senior, I am terrified and I eat it.
'Always make way for Panco dee Bandido', he say
But, senor Paddy, as Pancho rose to get back on his horse, he slipped and fell, dropping his gun on dee ground and I grabbed dee gun and said:
Pancho dee Bandido, Drop your pants!
He say, 'No'
I say: Drop your pants or I will shoota you
He say: 'Si'
I say: Now, Pancho, makea dee $h!te on dee ground
He makea dee $h!te on dee ground.
I say: Now Pancho, eat it
He eat it
And Senor Paddy, you ask me if I know Pancho dee Bandido?
We have lunch together!!! :eek:
Here's another one before I get banned:
Pirate captain: Arrrrrrrrrrrrr, there be buggery aboard this ship.
There be taste o' $hit o' the first mates pr!ck.
:D Pancho dee sirhamish...classic one!............. :D
Thanks senor strangeirish. I've another Knacky one in similar vein. I'm gonna have a shower now and a bite to eat and I'll post it later.Quote:
Originally Posted by strangeirish
Make sure you've eaten long before you read it!!!! :D
Keep de good jokes comin' :)