Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

JACK AND JILL

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got
home was take off my trousers," he said.
"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.

When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to
me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
"I told her, "of course they're too big.

I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.

"Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding,
he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack.
"I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will.

I don't want you to forget that."
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill.
"And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will."

Go Jill!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com:D

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com:D :D

An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in the sports shop the son picks up an Ireland football shirt and says to his sister,
"I've decided to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this for my birthday".
His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother".
So off goes the little lad with the green football shirt in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father".
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says
"Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an Ireland supporter for an hour and already I hate you English b@stards"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sligoman

An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in the sports shop the son picks up an Ireland football shirt and says to his sister,
"I've decided to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this for my birthday".
His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother".
So off goes the little lad with the green football shirt in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father".
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says
"Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an Ireland supporter for an hour and already I hate you English b@stards"

---

Heh heh LOL good one sligodude.:D

A hubby and his missus are woken up at 3 o'clock in the morning by the sound of stones hitting their bedroom windows. The hubby gets up enraged and opens up one of the windows. "Can you give me a push" he hears from outside. "Its 3am you effing moron. Fcuk off". He promptly returns to bed but his missus reminds him of when they had broken down in the rain and a good samaritian had stopped and given them a push. Feeling guilty now he runs downstairs and opens the front door. Not seeing anyone he shouts out "where are you"?. "I'm over here on the swings. Can you give me a push"!

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that fcukin' jar open.":eek: :D

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by strangeirish

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that fcukin' jar open.":eek: :D

---

Probably a true story too :D

You know you are on a budget airline when:


Your pockets are checked for food and drink.

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your velcro.

The pilot asks all the passengers to chip in a little for fuel.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The pilot shouts at the farmers to get the cows off the runway.

The 'in flight' safety check takes twice as long as normal.

The stewardesses wear name tags as well as ‘trainee badges’.

It is compulsory to buy chewing gum or sweets on board.

The stewardesses expect to be tipped.

The stewardesses are not wearing makeup!

But they all wear parachutes!

You ask the pilot how often their planes crash and he says, “Just the once”.

The local undertakers advertise on the back of the headrest.

No film. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Sick bags, safety cards and will forms are all in the seat pouch.

When you arrive at your destination, you are in the middle of nowhere!:D

A Gay Flight Attendant


The plane's cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant who was obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said through the PA, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people. So, if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said,"You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, ly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?

.."LISTEN UP, D*CKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD D*MN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER F**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU SELFISH *******. YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?"

........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? :cool: :D

Q: What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A: A robber snatches watches.

Advertising break - safe to enter BTW
http://www.santabanta.com/jokes.asp?catid=6903

Q.How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What did one gay frog say to the other?
A: Rub-it Rub-it :D

Q: What did one vampire lesbian say the the other?
A: See you next month. :eek:

Q: What do the gynecologist and the Pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.:D

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.

Q: Why do men always give their penis a name?
A: Because they don't want a stranger making 95 percent of their decisions for them

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant

Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. LMAO

Q. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A. A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A. They are both used as substitute meat.

A Cuban, a Scot, a Romanian, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage
on a train. The Cuban lights up this enormous cuban cigar. About 12
inches long, worth about €800. Takes one short drag from
it and flings the cigar out the window.
The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full cuban cigar. He replies, "I'm from Cuba, I have thousands of those things back home".

A few minutes later the Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells,
Whiskey, a 50 years old bottle, worth a fortune. He takes a short
measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window. The other three in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt scottish whiskey, he replies,
"I'm Scottish, I have thousands of those things at home".

A few minutes later, the Irishman throws the Romanian out the
window!

Classic :D :D

Gary Glitter comes home to find his girlfriend furiously packing her bags ready to leave him. He asks her what's wrong? She replies that she has been reading the newspapers and that she wanted nothing to do with a paedophile!!!!
Gary Replies "Paedophile?, that's an awfully big word for a 10 year old!!!!"

George Bush and Tony Blair are having some high-level talks in the back room of The White House. In walks Laura Bush.
"Hello boys, what are you two scheming about now?" she asks.
"Well honey, we're about to carry out plans that will ensure the deaths of 100 million Muslims and one dentist." says George W.
"One dentist? Why one dentist?" asks his missus.
Blair pats Bush on the back and says "See, George? I told you no one would give a fcuk about the Muslims!"

An ex-prostitute is getting on married. As the couple get into the honeymoon bed she starts to worry about the size of her well-worn fah-knee. She tells her startled hubby she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he asks "Just how far across this fcuking field were you before you realised it was caught?"

Simon Weston is organising a reunion of all burns victims from the Falklands War.
For more info, go to www.friends re-ignited.com.

A Sligo man is walking down the street one night when a pro says to him,
"Do ya fancy a bit of that?" and lifts her skirt up to show crotchless panties and fah-knee. "Fcuk that" says the Sligo man "Have you seen what its done to your knickers?". :D

One good thing came out of Christopher Reeves death. Stephen Hawking got his parking space back.

Apparently, all the kids in Vietnam are going round singing, Do ya wanna be in my gang,my gang, my gang?"

A farmer is loking really p!ssed of in his local pub when his friend asks him whats wrong. "I can't get the bull to mate with the cows", he says. His friend says, "Well, I have a tip for you.when you get home,r ub your hand over the cows c.unt and smear it over the bulls nose and he will ride them senseless. So the farmer goes home and does as his friend says and sure enough,the bull is riding every cow in site. So the farmer thinks, "If it works for the bull,then I'll try it on the wife tonight". So that night while his wife is asleep, he slides into bed and rubs his hand over his wifes fah-knee and smears it over his nose. He gets a raging hard on and then nudges his wife in the ribs and says, "Take a look at this". His wife switches the lamp on,turns round, looks at him and says, "You woke me up just to show me you have a nose bleed."

What's the fastest vehicle on land?
Stevie wonders speedboat.

In what situation has a Tennis match ended at love-all?
When Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles played each other.

A Northsider dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.
"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.
St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!" :D

Q: Why do Northsiders hate blowjobs?
A: Because it's a job!

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and give him a blowjob.

Q: What is the difference between a mansion and a naughty girl?
A: I have never been inside a mansion.

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would also know what it's like to live with an irritating c.unt.

Q: What turns a fruit into a vegetable?
A: AIDS!

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't f.art when you pull the meat out.

Q: What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A: A pounding sensation in the ass.

Q. What's the worst thing you can call a Corky Boy?
A. Neighbour.

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."
Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."
Again the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"
Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."
The guy slumps, just crushed.
Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."
The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.
Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."
By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.
The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Pull yourself together, Hey, look at me. LOOK AT ME." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says,
"Ah, sure, I'm just coddin' ya, she's dead."

What was red and had more brains than Kurt Cobain?
The wall behind him.

A father is giving some advice to his son. He tells him that there are five important qualities you look for in a woman to enjoy a relationship.
Firstly, you must find a woman who can cook, clean, and look after the kids.
Secondly, you must find a woman who is dirty in bed, loves giving a blow-job and anal sex!!!
Thirdly, you must find a woman who has a lot in common with you, so you can have a good laugh and talk about life
Fourthly, you must find a woman who has plenty of money to look after you to the standard you are accustomed to.
And finally, this is VERY VERY VERY important son.........Never under any circumstances must these 4 women ever meet!!!!!!

Monica Lewinski is coming out with a new Book titled "What really goes down at the Oval Office"

A Northsider walks into an employment agency.
"Hello, I really really wanna job. Do you have anything?" he asks.
The woman behind the desk looks up and replies; "You're in luck! One just came in. A multi-billionaire needs a driver to drive him around. He's only here one week out of the year, the rest of the time the top-of-the-line-car is yours. But you do have to look after his twin, model, nymphomaniac daughters whilst he's away. And this job pays 300k a year. Interested?"
The Northsider starts to smile. "Come on... you're bullsh!tting me right?"
The woman looks up and says "Well, you started it."

A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered
that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a
hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her
lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a
hair lip.
And, there were still 5 shaves left!

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or
an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
A schoolteacher says, "We're
going to have to do this over and over
again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this
over your mouth and nose, and breath normally.":D

I knew George Best was dead before it was announced.
As I walked past my local butchers I saw the sign: "Best liver for sale".

Q - Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A - Cos his wife died!

i dont know where you get them hamish, but there is some quality ones there....

i heard the romanian one. feck a mate of mine sent a great radio phone in from ireland about most embarrassing moments and i cant find it...

Anniversary - A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday



Chest complaint - Woman goes to the doctor with tight chest, wheezing and out of breath, doctor has a look and gives prescription.

Woman goes home and husband asks how she got on, wife says fine, I told him what was wrong with my chest, but strangely enough after he gave me a check over he said I had a nice fanny !!

Husband goes storming into doctors demanding to know what's going on saying that my wife comes in with a bad chest and you tell her she's got a nice fanny. Doctor replies - no, no I told your wife she had acute angina

50C degrees
People in Ireland turn on the central heating
People in Manchester plant out bedding plants

40C degrees
The Irish shiver uncontrollably
Geordies sunbathe on the beach

35C degrees
Cars in Ireland refuse to start
People in Liverpool drive with their windows down

20C degrees
Irish wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
Preston men throw on a T-shirt & girls start wearing
mini-skirts

15C degrees
Irish begin to evacuate to the continent
People from Dover swim in the Sea

0 C degrees
Life in Ireland grinds to a halt
London folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold

Minus 10C degrees
Life in Ireland ceases to exist
People in Birmingham throw on a light jacket

Minus 80C degrees
Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Leicester start wearing their long trousers

Minus 100C degrees
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
People in Portsmouth put on their 'long johns'

Minus 173C degrees
Alcohol freezes
Yorkshire people get upset because all the pubs are shut

Minus 297C degrees
Microbial life starts to disappear
The cows in Southampton complain about farmers with cold hands

Minus 460C degrees
All atomic motion stops
The population of Brighton stamp their feet and blow on their hands

Minus 500C degrees
Hell freezes over
England win the World Cup:D :p

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sligoman

50C degrees

---

It's degrees Celsius, not Celsius degrees, and it stops around -273°C. Even Farenheit doesn't go that low.

The figures were obviously in Farenheit originally. Turning heating on at 50ºC doesn't make much sense and -460ºF is absolute zero give or take.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Schumi

The figures were obviously in Farenheit originally. Turning heating on at 50ºC doesn't make much sense and -460ºF is absolute zero give or take.

---

That's what I though, but -500F isn't possible either, so it's a poor improvement. What dip**** took Farenheit and altered it to Celsius without any conversion anyway?