Jokes

May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.

May the enemies of Ireland never meet a friend.

May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.

May you melt off the earth like snow off the ditch.

May his pipe never smoke, may his teapot be broke
And to add to the joke, may his kettle ne’er boil,
May he keep to the bed till the hour that he’s dead,
May he always be fed on hogwash and boiled oil,
May he swell with the gout, may his grinders fall out,
May he roll howl and shout with the horrid toothache,
May the temples wear horns, and the toes many corns,
Of the monster that murdered Nell Flaherty’s drake.

May his spade never dig may his sow never pig
May each hair on his wig be well thrashed with a flail
May his door have no latch, may his house have no thatch,
May his turkey not hatch, may the rats eat his meat
May every old fairy, from Cork to Dunleary,
Dip him snug and airy in river or lake,
Where the eel and the trout may feed on the snout
Of the monster that murdered Neill Flaherty’s drake

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.
He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang,how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up,and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me......
I'm claiming disability!!!!!"
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You Might be a Leprechaun if.......

You snicker uncontrollably all the way through "Darby O'Gill And The Little People."

Your record collection is stocked only with very short artists, Paula Abdul, Sheena Easton, Prince, Phil Collins.

When you see a rainbow, you get a greedy little look in your eye. (Arrrr, there's me pot o' gold!)

In your cupboard there is nothing but Lucky Charms cereal.

Every time you get your paycheck, you convert it into gold coins and bury it somewhere.

You insist on dancing a jig on your way to work each morning to the embarrassment of all your friends.

You've been under a rock for the past few years.

You just despise fairies. ("Wing Envy" if you ask me!)

You try to pick up women by saying "Ah, lassie, you have dazzling kneecaps, you do."

When you eat good food, you say it is "magically delicious,".

And the number one way you can tell you might be a Leprechaun:

You're three feet tall, Irish, have red hair, cuss, drink and wear green a lot!
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Irish Jokes - One liners

'Excuse me,' said Mrs McCoy to the butcher. 'But there's a sausage on the floor.'

'Don't worry,' said he, 'I've got me foot on it!'


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Two ladies on a bus and one said: 'And do you know he put his hand right up my skirt.'

And the other replied: 'Not the green one with the floral pattern?'


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'I couldn't believe Dublin, great city, but every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Pat!!'


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'What's that you're taking, Mick?' asked Jim McGee. ' Tis the secret of a good night out,' replied Mick. 'It's a mixture of Benzedrine and Valium. It makes you feel frisky but if you don't click who cares!'


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Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'

'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'

'Spread out in a bunch.


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'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget.

I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.


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'You see my real shoe size is four,' said Vera. 'But I'm wearing sevens coss fours hurt!'


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As Mrs McGinty entered the house she looked up to see a ceiling 15 feet high.

'Begod,' she said to husband Seamus, 'when you said you were going to knock two rooms into one I didn't think you meant upwards!!'


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'How did you get on today?' inquired the golf pro of Mick McCann.

'Well, to tell you the truth I didn't play my normal game - but then I never do!'
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An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad new for you ... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month.

"Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well.

I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints. After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers.

They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion..."Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...?

You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.

He swears every word is true.

Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister, several times!"
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There is loads more but that is enough for now, hope you enjoyed them all :D

Final one, look:
http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/15631.html

A man is walking along the street when he notices another man with a pinapple for a head......he goes up to him "sorry I can't help noticing you have a pineapple for a head?
"yep"
"why is that?"
"well one day I found a lamp, gave it a rub and got three wishes-I asked for a million euro"
"and did you get it?"
"yep"
"what next?"
"i asked for a date with Anna Kournikova"
"wow what happened?"
"I got it and it was brilliant"
"Wow i bet it was! What was your last wish"
"Isn't it obvious-I wished i had a pineapple for a head!"

:D :D

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff........

Two sausages are in a frying pan


Sausage1: Its hot in here isnt it?

Sausage2: Ahhhh jesus a talking sausage

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child - well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
at night.

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Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people

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I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

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You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"

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I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl
out of Cork.............

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In a shock move today, Real Madrid's English hero, David Beckham turned
down a move to North East underdogs Newcastle United.
A fee of 8 million was agreed for the former Manchester United man but
Beckham was reported to have said there was no way he could leave Real for
Newcastle after what the Toon Army had done to Thailand and the surrounding area.

two spanish firefighting brothers--- jose (hose a) & josb (hose b)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Edinburgh recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the janitor would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

The Morale:
There are teachers, and then there are educators.




A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me, OK?". The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops". WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do You want for breakfast, young man?!". "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f***ing life it won't be Coco Pops"

The FAI

"new" speed limits

I have heard a few about the tsunami but it would'nt be right to post them

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Babysis

In a shock move today, Real Madrid's English hero, David Beckham turned
down a move to North East underdogs Newcastle United.
A fee of 8 million was agreed for the former Manchester United man but
Beckham was reported to have said there was no way he could leave Real for
Newcastle after what the Toon Army had done to Thailand and the surrounding area.

---

Yes we have all heard this one as this was the joke Rodney Marsh was sacked from sky for :rolleyes:

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night; face all covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling
him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some
sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a
huge forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over
there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "because I didn't!"

Found this, might amuse people as its friday

http://www.evelcow.com/

Poly Unsaturated

What a talent

Beware, uses sound

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no
previous experience he skilfully mounts the Horse and appears in
complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a
steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to
lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around
the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband
as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and
is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has
a grip on the horses neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse,
but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the
horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is
slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the
store and unplugs the horse

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say somthing smart?

A. When she begins her sentence with:a man once told me
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One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says "Oh just a beer".

The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong,why are you so down today?".

The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month".

The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?

The man said "Well the month is up tonight".
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A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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At the 2002 World Women's conference, the first speaker from Canada, stood up "At last years conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband I would no longer cook for him, and that he would have to do it himself. Afer the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".

The crowd stood up, applauded and cheered.

The second speaker, from France, stood up
"After last years conference I went straight home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that not only had he done his own, but my washing as well".

Once again the audience rose to their feet, applauded and cheered.

The third speaker, from Scotland stood up "After last year's conference ah went home and tolt ma man that I widnae doo his cookin, cleanin or shoppin, and he wid hiftae doo it himsell. After the first day I saw nothin, after the second day I saw nothin, but after the third day, I could see a wee bit oota ma left eye"
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3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

Whats green & red and hangs from a tree?

A gorilla's snot.

Rumours about Wenger signing Robbie Fowler are finally put to bed when Arsenal sell off the shirt they had specially made for him.