already heard!!! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by paul_oshea
Printable View
already heard!!! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by paul_oshea
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to
the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the
headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine
and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,
get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee
down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!
"His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee
hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes
in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!,
WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.
It Works Every Time!!!
ya so was yours!!!! and it was crap.Quote:
already heard!!!
at least mine was half funny. :D
it is the terrible joke thread remember, so mine was good...... :pQuote:
Originally Posted by paul_oshea
nice one babysis!! have not heard that one
What's black and white & blows bubbles?
Michael Jackson!
whats pink and fluffly?
pink fluff!
whats blue and fluffly?
pink fluffy holding its breath
what do u call an italian with a rubber toe?
ruberto!
whats brown and sticky???
what did tarzan say when he saw jane with an elephant go up the hill?
"oh look theres jan going up the hill with an elephant!" classic.
whats the difference between michael jackson and frankie detorri?
i know ye have all heard it:
frakie has a license to rider two year olds.
whats smelly, steaming and comes from cows ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Isle of Wight ferry.
.
.
.
(If I'd typed Cowes it would have been obvious).
What d ya call a sleepy dinosaur??
A tyranasnoreus!
Two oranges walk into a bar, one says to the other, you're round!
What was the last thing that Hitler said to his men before they got into their tanks?
Men, get into your tanks!
Whats white and if it fell outta a tree it'd kill ya?
A fridge!
Does anyone know where the Dublin altzeimers centre is?
did ya hear about the red sauce chasing the brown sauce?
it couldnt ketchup
What do u call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese
I am so so sorry! :D
p.s. if anyone took offence to the above jokes i apologise!
some classics there!!!
Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
:o
A woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a 'double entendre'.
So the barman gave her one.
What's the definition of love all?
Stevie Wonder and David Blunkett playing Tennis.
Ballinasloe man loses sight of right eye and being so poor didn't even qualify for a medical card.
A neighbouring surgeon and carpenter took pity and devised a false eye made from a piece of ash tree and paint.
B'sloe man is overjoyed and celebrates by going to the Emerald Ballroom for a spot of jivin', like.
Spots girl in the corner who can't get a dance from any bloke and shuffles over to her.
"Hey hag, would you like to dance?"
She replies with delight, "Oh would I, would I"
"Fcuk off ya ignorant bitch!"
What's the difference between a man in a bath and a man going into confession?
One of them has hope in his soul................. :eek:
Ferdinand walking down the road, spots Frederick coming along the other side.
"Cooooooeeeeee Frederick, how's your hole?"
Frederick snaps back, "Shut up"
Ferdinand, "Oooooo, is that right, so's mine, must be the weather!
and this one's even worse.
Frederick walks into a very rough pub, clad in all pink gear.
Goes up to bar and orders a pink gin.
Barman tells him to fcuk off - "don't serve your type here"
Frederick says, "If you don't serve me, I'll set my dog on you"
Barman again tells him to fcuk off.
Frederick replies, "You asked for it - Cuddles ATTACK"
Big alsatian with ferocious fangs jumps up, faces terrified barman eye to eye and goes:
" bowzee, wowzee, wowzee!"
Panic in the church just before Mass.
No sign of a drop of wine.
Priest sends altar boy to shop to get some.
Boy returns but could only get orange squash.
At the consecration Priest intones:
"This is Mi Wadi, this is my blood"
I'll get my coat.......
Breaking news
: HRH The Queen has lost her wig in the premises of Buckingham Palace, police are currently combing the area.........
:p :o :o :o
Does this qualify? It is supposed to be a true story.
A famous retired French actor started a relationship with a woman in her early 20s. As the guy was well into his 80s, the age difference caught the imagination of the French public.
One night on a live talk show, the interviewer asked him straight out if he was having a physical relationship with his new girlfriend. "Of course", he replied.
The interviewer asked: "Isn't that a little dangerous"?
The old geezer gave a brilliant reply,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This is worth savouring . . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The old man replied:
[SIZE=5]"If she dies, she dies."[/SIZE]
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A headbanger!
Plenty more where that came from! ;)
Great stuff, the three of yez above. The following was told to me by a Garda friend who swears it's true and he was there but I'm sure it's done the rounds.
Ballinasloe courthouse, usual Thursday morning session.
Local yob up on D and D charge, slouched beside his solicitor and yob is noisily chewing gum
Highly irritated judge beckons to court clerk, whispers in his shell-like.
"Tell the defendant to stop masticating"
Court clerk goes down to yob and says:
His honour says to take yer hand out of yer trouser pocket RIGHT NOW, yeh dirty little bo!!ix" :eek:
NB (It is important to read out loud what the italian guy says in an italian accent :D )
An Italian tourist checks into a hotel in London, proceeds to the dinner hall as he is rather hungry after his journey from Napoli. At the dinner table he joins another lady guest; " Ciao Bella! He is disgusted that there are no forks laid out on the table, so he calls to the waitress... " Hey, I wanta two fork on the table" "Eh, what is, I just ask two fork on the table" The waitress and the lady is horrified, "I'm sorry Sir, but that's not very appropiate" , the waitress walks away. The Italian is left rather bemused
Later that evening, he checks his bed, it has no sheets whatsoever! So, he storms down to reception, talks to the manager " Eh, I wanta 2 sheet on the bed, you know whadda i mean-a?." Manager is taken aback, " sorry Sir? " Eh, I need 2 sheet on the bed-a, ok? I as for nothing just wanna sheet, come on..... Manager calls security and has poor Gianni removed from the hotel.........
Here's another one, before I forget it.
Main character called Knacky (pronounced Knee - ack- ee but much quicker and in a very nasal voice)
It's 1940 and Ballinasloe man Knacky is listening to the BBC on his steam radio about the blitz over London.
"I'm joining up to fight for the rights of small nations against the evils of fascism", he trumpets.
Off he goes to England and because of his impediment is drafted into the coastal defence.
By some oversight, he ends up in charge of an anti-aircraft unit near the cliffs of Dover.
This was before radar and all he had was a megaphone to communicate orders plus a pair of binoculars.
Knacky hears the drone of the Luftwaffe and starts to organise.
His underlings are primed and ready with their guns.
Knacky, looking through the binoculars, shouts:
"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, reh, reh, readeeeeeeeeeeeee"
Unit awaits further command, Luftwaffe at 45 degrees.
Ae, ae, ae, aimmmmmm
Unit rising gun's elevation.
Luftwaffwe flying directly overhead, unit guns at maximum elevation.
Luftwaffe passed overhead, out of range.
Knacky:
Ffffff, Fuh, Fuh, ffff..Fcuk it, we'll get dem comin' back.
:D :D :DQuote:
Originally Posted by kerr's tribe
World Cup Final, Munchen, Deutschland, 2006.
Ireland v Brazil.
Result at half-time: 3 all
Result after heart attack forming second half: 5-5
Result after amazing extra 30 minutes : 6-6
Penalty shoot-out, nerves jangling
Result after first ten spot kicks: 5-5
Result after 10 more penalties, Brian Kerr receiving emergency heart surgery:
10-10
Penos continue
Brazil ahead 14 - 13, last kick to Ireland.
Kevin Kilbane steps up :eek: turns to his teammates in centre circle and with a sheepish smile says:
"Promise you won't laugh if I miss" :eek: :D
Fancy dress ball in Ballinasloe.
Big turnout with the usual horror costumes - Dracula, Wolfman, Napoleon, Carlton Palmer etc all present.
Knacky, a late entree, enters the room. All eyes on him in shock and disgust.
Knacky is stark naked except for his willy stuck in a large bowl of yellow Birds Eye.
Master of Ceremonies stormes over: "What the hell are you supposed to be dressed as?"
Knacky replies: I couldn't get a costume so I'm fcukin disgusted"
Again, you need to read it with an Italian accent.....
A bus stops at a small town in South Carolina and two Italian tourists get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and then pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time, hey whadda bout tha, eh?"
"You foul-mouthed ba$tard, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."
Class ! :o :o :o :o :D
[QUOTE=kerr's tribe]Again, you need to read it with an Italian accent.....
A bus stops at a small town in South Carolina and two Italian tourists get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and then pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time, hey whadda bout tha, eh?"
"You foul-mouthed ba$tard, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."
No need for :o KT a big LOL and :D :D
Out of season joke.
Why does Santy have no children?
Only comes once a year and that's down the chimney.
But when he does he fills your socks.
I'm goin'. I'm goin' :o
class :DQuote:
Originally Posted by sirhamish
ye've probably all heard this before...
2 men walk into a bar..
..You'd think 1 of them would have seen it.
3 paddies were in a bar.Paddy irish man stood a round,paddy english stood a round and paddy scots man stood around.more a 1 to say than to type.
My wife always wants to talk to me during sex...................just the othernight she rang me from her hotel room. :D
:D :D :DQuote:
Originally Posted by ollie
Thanks Ollie - loved yer second joke - my one above was actually a racist one so I changed it to B'sloe - anyway we're treated down here as the niggaz of Ireland so it's probably just as appropriate. Y'know horse fair, horse $h!te, green wellingtons, unsavoury practises with sheep etc. Not me of course re. the latter. Honest to God! :D
Here's a brutal one.
Beautiful bird brings a fellow to her room for a night of right royal passion.
Both get nekkid and fellow starts to move towards her.
No, no, no, she says, I just can't make love in this weather.
Yer man says, "But it's alovely summer's evening"
We can do something about that,she says. Now follow my instructions..
So she makes him sit up on the clothes cupboard and places a large basin of water at his feet.
She lies on bed
Splash me with that water all over my body. He duly does with his right foot.
She squirms and turned in ecstacy exclaiming : Oh water, it reminds me of rain - really turns me on
Next she askes him to reach for light switch with his right hand and flick the switch on and off.
"OOOOOOOOO, she says, lightning, really turns me on.
Then she asks him to bang his left heel off the cupboard.
Oooooooooo, thunder, what an orgasmic feeling, ooooooooo
Then she tells him to operate the electric fan with his left hand.
Ooooooooo wind, what a mega turn on.
Glad for ya, says the bloke, ya got thunder and lightening, wind and rain.
When can I come down to you for a bit of sex.
She replies: Whaaaaaaaaaat SEX? Are you serious - on a night like this??
:)
Gullanes Hotel, B'sloe - it happened there, so I'm told. :D
A stick?Quote:
Originally Posted by paul_oshea
As promised KT.
You know the story about the terrible problems cystic fibrosis sufferers have in getting organs for transplants. One of my friends daughters went to Newcastle to have a transplant operation which, thank God, turned out 100% successful. She was back at Karate after a couple of months.
However, just before she went in to the operation theatre, the surgeon asked her was there anything she wanted to say before she went under. Now we're talking a life or death situation here. Do you know what she said to the surgeon?
Could you throw in a boob job while you're at it?"
I believe the surgeon had to sit down, he was laughing so much. The whole place was in knots.
nice one! :D you got a mention in the christmas meet-up london-for derry lads also thread today! :eek: ;)
Cheers KT. How do I get to that?? :o = what thread is it?Quote:
Originally Posted by kerr's tribe
Silly old Hamish.
ya risteard thats it.
Que???? :confused: Don't understand Paul O'Shea who's really a Galwayman but claims to be from Roscommon!!!!! :p :D :DQuote:
Originally Posted by paul_oshea
im from maigo eo did ye not see??
Ah Jesus, first Galway, then Roscommon, now Mayo. Ya tramp!!!! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by paul_oshea
Slaggin and jokin aside POS, Kerrs Tribe mentioned some London Derry thingy - just a few posts above. How do I get to that?????
http://foot.ie/showthreasd.php?p=276680#post276680
check the last and second last pages
Thanks good buddy = only got the usual cant be found thingy???
.-.-.-.-.
Two goldfish in a tank..
One goldfish says to the other: How the fcuk we gonna drive this thing? :)
-.-.-.-.
Thank you and goodnight!! ;)
Strachanisms
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the
England squad?
Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish!
Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]
Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."
Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the
Coventry one, that's for sure.
Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We
Were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into
Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?
Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.
Reporter: Gordon, Agustin Delgado?
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.
Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy
To get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to
Bother answering that one.
Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.
Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.
Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.
Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.
Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were
better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there
--------------------------
just after he got the Southampton Job...they lost so he went into the dressing room and said O.K lads 9:00am tomorrow want you all in for training.
Next day 9:00am, no show for Gordon...then at 10:30 the team get a call,
Gordon: Right lads you wasted 90mins of my time yesterday, I wasted 90mins of yours today. So we're even. See you tomorrow at training."
BRILLIANT - I can hardly type this I'm laughing so much.Quote:
Originally Posted by Eirambler
Man, where do you get all these sceals??? I've heard the odd Strachan quip but never as many as that. Respect man.
:D :D :D