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How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Statistics prove that compared to the last government, the bulb is on average 15% brighter.
How many US Marines does it take to break a lightbulb?
None. It fell down the stairs.
How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
100. 1 to change the bulb and 99 to go on about how good the old one was.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant. :D :D :D
On a similar note:Quote:
Originally Posted by eoinh
Times New Roman walks into a bar.
Barman says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your type in here."
why any time a homeless person asks you for money for a cup of tea, you never get that tea?
We spend as much on food in a week as a family in the 3rd world does in a year. Which just goes to show how much we're being overcharged for our groceries.
jimmy carr fan green goblin? am i right
On a similar vein, a slab of asphalt walks into a bar and says "I'm the hardest road there is! I'll fight any other road!"Quote:
Originally Posted by Babysis
Just then some red tarmac comes in, and the asphalt gets his head down and avoids eye contact until the tarmac has left.
"I thought you said you were hard"? says the barman.
"I am", replies the asphalt. "But that guy's a cyclepath"!.
... actually it was a bloke at work. Still, guilty as charged. :oQuote:
Originally Posted by inexile
Now that you mention it a similar incident happened like so...
An M&M walks into a bar and says "I'm the hardest sweet there is! I'll fight any other sweet!"
Just then a Polo Mint comes in, and the M&M gets his head down and avoids eye contact until the Polo Mint has left.
"I thought you said you were hard"? says the barman.
"I am", replies the asphalt. "But that guy's menthol"!.
You work with Jimmy Carr :eek: ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by green goblin
A man is standing next to a woman in the lobby of a hotel. The man turns around and his elbow hits in to the lady's left breast.
He says "I'm so sorry, but, if your heart is soft like your breast then I'm sure you will forgive me"
She replies "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 213"
jimmy carr is the king of the one liners.. his live dvd is the funniest thing i've seen in donkeys..in fact my sig is a jimmy carr quote...
and some more
my friend who's 6 months pregnant asked me if i wanted to feel th baby...[very, very long pause]... on reflection I think she meant on the outside
[on ths subject of michael jackson]... all i'm saying is, if i was a billionaire paedophile, I'd definately have a fairground out my back garden...
the reason i don't use Vodafone products is that they claim to be the world's largest mobile community... now, correct me if i'm wrong, but that's the gypsies
sting is always boasting about 8 hour sex marathons with his wife. imagine how long he'd be able to go if she was a looker...
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
whats brown and has a machine gun? a tough sh1t
whats pink and fluffy? pink fluff
whats blue and fluffy ? pink fluff holing its breath
sorry!! im off
A stickQuote:
Originally Posted by Risteard
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.
The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "i was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No ****?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a
kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She
said, 'You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, 'What will be your second wish?'"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious
lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, 'You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'
I looked at her and replied, 'How 'bout a little head?'"
Subject: Breaking News
Latest news reports advise that a cell of four terrorists has been operating in the West Tallaght area of Dublin.
Gardaí advised earlier today that three of the four have already been detained. The District Garda Commissioner stated that the terrorists: Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have all been arrested on immigration issues.
The police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member : Bin Workin, in the area. Gardaí are however, confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be extremely easy to spot in the community.
:D :D :D
Michael Caine is holding a party in his house.
Everyone who is anyone is there-top stars from the film world and pop world.
Mick Jagger & David Bowie are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch puffing, whilst Peter Cook and Dudley Moore are exchanging original insults.
All is going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night.
"0i Jim" objects Michael Caine, "party's only just started, hows about I get one of the girls to take you into the bed room for a pleasuring"?
"Great" says Jim "but she has to do the rest of the band too"
"Not a problem Jim" smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird close and whispers instructions in her ear.
Half an hour later, the young girl is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr "Allright love?" He says "dont suppose you want to do the same to me"?
The young woman smiles and gets to work unzipping his flies.
Ringo is having a great time, until, mere moments before the end, the door flies open and Micheal Caine bursts in. He grabs the young girl by the hair and slaps her hard across the face!
"What was that for?" she whimpers
"I told you" Caine snarls "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off"
You get an e-mail and you check the internet and you do all you can to check if what has just landed is true and then you wonder if you were had.
You know the song, the Hokey Cokey… apparently it was written by a fella called Larry La Prise.
I got a note about him from a normally reliable source last week which read:
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world today, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed recently.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote The Hokey Cokey, died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.You see, they put his left leg in… and then the trouble started.
In a shock move today, Real Madrid's English hero, David Beckham turned
down a move to North East underdogs Newcastle United.
A fee of 8 million pounds was agreed for the former Manchester United man
but Beckham was reported to have said there was no way he could leave Real for Newcastle after what the Toon Army had done to Thailand, Sri Lanka and the surrounding area.
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute. They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into the house. "Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.
A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish Rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"
Not much later a third man, a Catholic Priest, was lurking about the house, looking around to see if any one was watching, then quietly sneaking in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap. "One of the poor girls must of died."