Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

Signs You Are No Longer a Kid

You're asleep, but others think you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You are proud of your cooker.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 3 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?" :o
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You wear black socks with sandals. :o
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. ;)
You get Sky for the Shopping Channels.
You can go out on the town without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even hear it.

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, you think ye have problems, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I pee like a horse. Every morning at 8:00 I sh*t like a cow, then at 9.00 I wake up."

A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!"

The grandson moaned: "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third, that's MY dick you're holding... not yours."


A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge!

Hamish and Strangeirish in the woods.:eek:

Hamish and Strangeirish didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Strangeirish immediately wished that all the other people in the forest were females.

The frog granted his wish. Hamish after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.

One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Strangeirish was amazed at Hamish's wish, but carried on with his second wish.

He wished that all the people in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Hamish then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Strangeirish could not believe it and complained that Hamish had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.

Shaking his head, Strangeirish made his final wish, that all the other people in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Hamish for his last wish.

Hamish revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Strangeirish was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

:p :D

:D :D :D .....Tit!

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.

Hamish, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said,
"If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.

The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus.":cool:

SOME ARE NSFW
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic134.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic125.htm

Strangeirish interviews for a secretary:D
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic93.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic213.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic207.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic201.htm :D

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic99.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic98.htm

Love is eternal
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/pic.htm :D

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/pic3.htm

Why is Martha so keen on rock climbing?
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic112.htm

How Chocholate Twirls are made
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic107.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic104.htm

Watch your hand...oooops
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic114.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic23.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic26.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic11.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic135.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic17.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic21.htm

Supersize me
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic8.htm

Hamish asks his Missus for a feel
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic7.htm

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Two priest's were taking a p!ss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isn't that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. I'm down to two butts a day"! :eek:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hamish

Only plays one song though

"Thanks for the mammaries"

Getting coat....:D

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Or "Mammaries are a load of tits" (to the tune of Memories are made of this)

I'll get my coat.....not coz my joke is bad but to stop u lot starring at my tits!:D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Magicme

Or "Mammaries are a load of tits" (to the tune of Memories are made of this)

I'll get my coat.....not coz my joke is bad but to stop u lot starring at my tits!

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"Starring" at your tits? Is that some kind of position??:p
Anyway, I'm no good for you today Magicme amigo, just had a guided nerve bloc and am - literally - dead from the waist down.:o :(

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hamish

from the waste down.:o :(

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Rather unfortunate pun/typo...:eek:

Got this in a BBC Newsnight email today

An eleven-year-old who was sitting in the bath.

His mum came in and the boy looked down at his genitalia, asking her "are those my brains?"

"No," his mum replied. "Not yet, dear."

:D

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17 . You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

A Small Farm Boy

A little boy came down to breakfast, since they live on a farm his
mother asks if he had done his chores; "not yet", says the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well he is a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens,
and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks
a pig. He goes to feed the cow and he kicks a cow. He goes back
for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
How comes I don't get any eggs and bacon?
"Well" his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken so you don't
get any eggs for a week; I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any
bacon for a week either; I also saw you kick a cow, so for a week
you aren't getting any milk."
Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks pussy-cat
halfway across the kitchen.



The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

My new favourite joke.....

What do you call a deer who can use both its left and right legs?









BABMIDEXTROUS!

should that not read bambidextrous?

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Damn!

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. a bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang,bang,clop clop clop?
An amish drive-by shooting

How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Oops Paul was laughing too hard to spell right!

Q. Why do farts smell?

A. So deaf people can appreciate them too :D

Boom Boom!

Not a joke as such, but here's a cool optical illusion.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by John83

...here's a cool optical illusion.

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That's fairly cool alright...

Tough Love vs. Spanking

Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children as was the preferred method of yesteryear. I recently heard from a friend who has tried other methods to control their kids when they have one of "those moments."

One method that she found very effective was to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

They usually calmed down and stopped misbehaving after their little outing together.

I've included the photo below of one of those sessions with my friend's son in case you would like to use the technique.

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included
admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a
cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen
or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking
French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because
the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have
to speak German."

Suddenly the group became very quiet.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to
be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
:D :D

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."

"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."

"One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me."

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."

:D :D

Theres more of them here :)
http://snl.jt.org/deep/index.phtml?i=1

They were from Jack Handey

Disgusting, insensitive and offensive-haven't seen anything like this from you before but another post like that and I'll speak to Adam about it,
Liam

Up till that last one this thread was really funny. Can someone remove that filth, and restore the thread to being funny??

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joeSoap

Up till that last one this thread was really funny. Can someone remove that filth, and restore the thread to being funny??

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I second that .......mods do your thing:)

John was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona
when he saw an elderly Navajo Indian walking on the side of the road. As the
trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo
Indian if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the
journey, John tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo
Indian. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything in the
car, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat
next to John.
"What in bag?" asked the old man.
John looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it
for my wife."
The Navajo Indian was silent for another moment. Then speaking with the
quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, "Good trade."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by strangeirish

until he noticed a brown bag on the seat
next to John.

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Surely John would have put the bag on the back seat so the Indian could sit next to him? Why would he make him sit in the back? If he was in the back surely the Indian would have had to lean quite far foward to see what was on the front seat-was he wearing a seatbelt?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by liam88

Surely John would have put the bag on the back seat so the Indian could sit next to him? Why would he make him sit in the back? If he was in the back surely the Indian would have had to lean quite far foward to see what was on the front seat-was he wearing a seatbelt?

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What made you think he was in the back seat?

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

1 half-gallon of 2% milk

1 carton of eggs

1 quart of orange juice

1 head of romaine lettuce

2 lb. can of coffee

1lb package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single".

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the guy's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said," Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that"?

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

LMAO....:D

That's a good one :D

i heard that one before. but its quality.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by strangeirish

What made you think he was in the back seat?

---

Well John would be sitting in the drives seat and if the bag is on the seat next to him the Indian cannae be sitting there-if he was sharing the seat with the bag the joke would have read "he noticed a brown bag on the seat he was sitting on" not "he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to John." The only other explanation is John was in a Lorry/van with three front seats but still you wouldn't think he'd drive one to a business trip-furthermore the joke would then read "he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to him" as the Indian is the subject so gramatically if the seat is next to both John and the Indian it would be reffered to in relation to the Indian (though you might want to get dcfcsteve to clarify that ;) ) so personally i'm pretty dubious.....

Jokes don't have to make perfect sense.:rolleyes:

It was a two seater car. See:eek: :D

Sad News.

Last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey"
died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin.They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.:D

Loving Husband


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife was really ****ed. She told him "Tomorrow
morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes
from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up, she looked out the window and
sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the
middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and
brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found
a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday