Billy Connelly classics

Billy Connelly classics
Things I hate about everybody....

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see hat?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Quote:

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Originally posted by Ref
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

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Useless trivia alert...:)

That saying used to be "You can't eat your cake and have it" before it got changed through general mis-use. And of course, the original version makes far more sense and wouldn't have irked poor Mr. Connolly so!;)

Yes b@stard in the black you destroyed the indestructable....that is Mr Billy Connollys jokes...........

SHAME ON YOU,
DOOM ON U
DOOM ON U
DOOM ON U................................................. ....

Quote:

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Originally posted by J.O.F.A.S
Yes b@stard in the black you destroyed the indestructable....that is Mr Billy Connollys jokes...........

SHAME ON YOU,
DOOM ON U
DOOM ON U
DOOM ON U................................................. ....

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:confused: what was that jofas?

has anybody heard connolly's rules for living, brilliant stuff, got them on email once, forgotten most of them now.

Quote:

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Originally posted by tiktok
:confused: what was that jofas?
has anybody heard connolly's rules for living, brilliant stuff, got them on email once, forgotten most of them now.

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Billy Connolly's life lessons

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.

Have lots of long lie-ins.

Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction. Tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look f*cking great.

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.

Never eat food that comes in a bucket.

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.

Boo joggers.

Don't work out, work in.

Play the banjo.

Sleep with somebody you like.

Eat plenty of liquorice Allsorts.

Try to live in a place you like.

Marry somebody you like.

Try to do a job you like.

Never turn down an opportunity to shout "F*ck them all!" at the
top of your voice.

Avoid bigots of all descriptions.

Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to
sailors of old.....look forward to it.

Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there's spinach on them.

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes.

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "f*cks" in it.

Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.

Don't be talked into wearing a uniform.

Salute nobody.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Campaign against blue Smarties.

Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say: It's good to be alive."

My heart stopped... as I felt the third fart roll down me knee....

nice one ref, those made my day:D :D

Billy Connolly's album "Classic Connolly" is only €2.99 at the moment in HMV, 62 minutes long.