Corkonian theory about Dublin

A Corkonian thesis from a UCC final year project which
received a 1H1.


Dublin was founded in the 8th century by the Vikings,
when they realised that the best way to cause
lasting damage to the country was to build what
leading Viking at the time, Hagyar Ringsend, termed
"A ****hole for the ages".
This statement was proved true over time. Luckily for
the rest of Ireland, Dublin is located on the East
Coast. This means that the prevailing south-westerly
wind generally takes the smell across the Irish
Sea to Britain. In the 1950's Britain retaliated by
building Sellafield nuclear power station. The Irish
Sea is now one of the cleanest in the world, the
radiation from England and the filthy pus and bile
from Dublin nullifying each other.
It is a pity for us all that Dublin is not located 50
miles further east. However, many "Dubs", or
"Gob****es" as they are known to the rest of us, would
go even further! This is because Dublin is all
that remains of what was once called "West Britain".
Dublin people share many characteristics with
the English people, including an amazingly low alcohol
tolerance, ridiculous accents and the ability to
get into a barroom brawl with Mahatma Ghandi and
Mother Teresa.
Indeed, many young Englishmen come to Dublin for "stag
nights"- not for the nightlife, but because all
of the sluts there are falling over themselves to be
impregnated by anything with a foreign accent in
order to claim "choil'benefih'", or "children's'
allowance" as it is called in the civilised world. But
beware!
Dublin beer is much more expensive than ordinary beer.
This is because it is watered down with
expensive mineral water. You see, due to Dublin being
a pox-ridden eyesore, which leaks revolting
pus into our beautiful land, they have no clean tap
water. In fact, 86% of Dubliners don't even know
what a tap is (the other 14% knew that it had
something to do with beer). As a result, the beer is
watered down with mineral water, as I said, and now
the average Gob****e must fork out well over the
odds for a pint. But don't let this put you off
visiting cosmopolitan Dublin, where absolute knackers
mix freely with some of the world's snobbiest
*******s.
Let the heroin, car theft, annoying whinger *******s,
syphilis infested prostitutes and Europe's
crappest traffic system put you off going there
instead. Exits are by road, air and sea only, and are
usually quite busy, so be patient. VISIT CORK. For
information on Cork, please contact the tourist
board on 021 343434.
It's worth it.
Ah Dublin! Capital of Ireland. Europe's smallest
capital and also its smelliest. Step off a train at
Heuston or Connolly station and breathe in that
unmistakable aroma of **** and puke. But it's the
people of Dublin who make our capital city what it is.
We call them 'Jacks' because of a visit to Dublin
by Queen Victoria which saw the locals line O'Connell
Street while waving Union Jacks at their visitor.
Ask anyone with even half a brain how many counties
there are in Ireland and they will tell you 32.
But not our friends in Dublin. For some bizarre reason
they firmly believe there are only two:
1)"Dooblin"and
2)"dowen da coontry".

Next time you're in Dublin, check out the excellent
selection of Radio Stations, both of which play the
same five songs all day. Whether it's 98fm or 104fm,
tune in at any time of the day to hear Robbie
Williams and The Lighthouse Family. You'll never get
tired of it !!!

Anyway, here are the ten most asked questions about
Dubs.
1) Why do Dublin people **** in the streets instead of
a toilet?

2) Why do they refer to all other Irish people as
Sheep Shaggers when we all know damn well what they're
doing with those horses. A man from Ballyfermot
(probably called Anto) recently got divorced from his
cousin so he could marry his horse.

3) Why is their knowledge of Irish geography
restricted to "da nart soide and da sout soide"

4) Why does their knowledge of Irish history go all
the way back to the 1980's?

5) Why do they complain about "doze bleedin' *******
coming over here taking ere women and ere jobs" when
Paul McGrath is "yer only man" and "God Bless Phillo"?


6) What the **** language are they speaking?

7) Why is hurling a culchie game until Dublin win a
match when it suddenly becomes "Hooorlin', da fastest
field sport in da bleedin' wooorld".?

8) Why can't they go for a drink without trying to
stab each other afterwards?

9) Why can't they accept Aslan are never going to make
it 'cause they're ****e?

10) Why are they all still wearing tracksuits?

Now if you're from Duuuubin don't be getting cranky.....