Newsflash for all those North of the River!
A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE MEASURING 4.8 ON THE RICHTER SCALE, HIT IN THE EARLY
> > HOURS OF Wednesday 29th January 2003 THAT EPICENTERED ON CORK'S NORTHSIDE.
> >
> >
> > Victims could be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: "What the ****'s
> > going on bud?", "Stony-mad feen" and "What's your problem ya ******". The
> > Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately EUR30 worth of
> > damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Santa Ponsa and the
> > Spanish Costas were damaged. Three areas of historic and scientifically
> > significant burnt out cars were disturbed. Many were woken well before
> > their dole-cheque arrived.
> >
> > Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the
> > fact that something interesting has happened in Cork. One resident,
> > Kylie-Shakira Mullins, a 15 year old mother-of-five said "It was such a
> > shock, little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My
> > youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still
> > shaking when I was watching Kilroy Silk the next morning."
> >
> > Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
> >
> >
> > The Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to
> > the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching
> > through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings
> > including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone
> > china from 'Pound City'.
> >
> > HOW YOU CAN HELP?
> >
> > This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate
> > enough to be caught up in it. Clothing is most sought after. Items
> > required include: - Fila, Baseball Caps, Kappa Tracksuit tops (His and
> > Hers), Shell Suits (Female), White Sports Socks, Nike Air Basketball Boots
> > and any other items usually sold in Penneys or Dunnes or Michael Guineys.
> >
> > Food parcels may be harder to put together but necessary all the same.
> > Required foodstuffs include: - Microwave meals, Tins of Baked Beans, Ice
> > Cream and cans of Royal Dutch or Special Brew.
> >
> > EUR2 buys chips for a family of four. EUR10 can take a family to Youghal
> > or Crosser for the day. EUR1.68 pays for a return bus ticket to the
> > countryside where they can pick magic mushrooms to feed the family. 22c
> > buys a biro for filling in a compensation claim.
> >
> > Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of "posh" housing is
> > unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Knocka, Mayfield and
> > Blackpool.
