I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you.
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many
sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling,which
I'll touch upon shortly.) Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when
needed: the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game...and you're
even around in the holidays: Hidden inside chocolates you warm us when
we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your
influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
occurs at 5 AM.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from
my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce
coupled with a pot noodle and some stale crisps (washed down with chocolate
nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am,
but I think you went a bit too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga
more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. Similarly,it
should never take me more than 30 seconds to get the front door key into
the lock.
4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the
last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from
being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows,Ties,Boxes,
upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones,bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact,do
actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're in my
class" syndrome circa 1996 at SU, and should heretofore be rendered
illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's sh*g." While I may be
thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep
this thought from being a statement, especially in public.
Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop.
Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be
in order, but the 2pm Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask
that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e. water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out
facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be
quite minimal and no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any
day,for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your
part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to
ensure that we remain on good terms.
You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much
laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what to do with
the extra money in our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I
ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday at 5pm (pre
happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this
fruitful partnership.
