20 reasons why I prefer rugby to football
by David Kelly (this mornings Indo).
1.
Having avoided organised sports for a year due to chronic obesity, I now realise rugby was a far more inclusive team game than soccer and I want to play again. Instead of being isolated for hours on the wing with nobody passing the ball to you, at least rugby allows gangs of players to jump on top of you. You really feel like you belong.
2.
Everyone knows what FAI head honcho John Delaney looks like, nobody knows what his IRFU counterpart looks like. In fact, not many know who his counterpart is. A much better thing.
3.
Hundreds of Munster fans can play (dis)organised rugby in Cardiff's Mary St, crashing into walls and parked cars, in front of bemused bobbies and it's all good-natured fun. A few loons from Bohs and Rovers meet and there's carnage.
4.
Spending 10 seconds chatting to Malcolm O'Kelly about Beck is more fulfilling than hours spent talking to Kenny Cunningham about, er, I can't really remember. Except hearing "To be honest with you, pal" 4,562 times.
5.
Drinking, eating and bringing young children is more acceptable at rugby matches in these isles. Soccer matches are either naked warfare (Premiership) or else privately embarrassing, cult experiences (Eircom League).
6.
Dealing with rugby agents is not always an experience redolent of dealing with personal injury lawyers. Sure, they're usually in it for the money but they're predominantly engaging, principled gents. Shaking hands with a soccer agent requires you to to make a quick tally of your digits.
7.
Nobody in Irish international rugby has a commercial interest in any of its current players. Full stop.
8.
Irish rugby coach Eddie O'Sullivan says quirky things like "ducks in-a-row", "in the hopper" and "full bag of chips". Brian O'Driscoll says things like "B of the bang". Soccer's Steve Staunton says "whatever" a lot while his striker Robbie Keane says "obviously" all the time.
9.
RTE rugby commentator Michael Corcoran makes you want to leap off your chair and scream. So does Gabriel Egan.
10.
Nobody knows if, how or why there will be relegation or promotion in the eircom League. Not a problem for the AIB League, where solicitors, spin doctors and alickadoos ensure the concept of relegation and promotion is upheld, no matter how much money it costs or how long it takes.
11.
Irish international rugby has a wonderful system predicated upon keeping most of their best players under the protective eyes of management and club appearances are controlled. In soccer, Irish managers are told to keep their noses out by club managers when deigning to ask permission to access players. Even when they do eventually get here, the players end up going on the jar before the match anyway.
12.
International friendlies in rugby? Doesn't happen friend. International soccer friendlies? Managers, fans and players all hate 'em.
13.
Brian and Glenda (pre-split) versus Robbie and Claudette? Different class. Beats Posh and Becks too.
14.
Rugby possesses enough gravitas to acknowledge that, like the odd belt in GAA, an idle punch need not assault the senses of either participants or spectators. Soccer's sickening ambiguity after Ben Thatcher's assault reveals an incurable cancer.
15.
Sky have Stuart Barnes and Will Greenwood. Sky have Andy Gray and Jamie Redknapp. Take your pick.
16.
At Lansdowne Road, the inestimably refined PA man at rugby matches adds a touch of class, never intrudes on the action and reminds one of innocent amateur days of yore. At soccer matches, the PA man is like a Hawaiian T-Shirt-wearing motormouth DJ at a 21st birthday in Break for the Border armed only with the Best of the Furey's and Black Lace's Greatest Hits. "Let's parteee!"
17.
Munster, who, unlike the pre-Celtic Tiger dating hype surrounding the Irish soccer 'army', have the best fans in the world, defeated the formidable All Blacks at Thomond Park in 1978. No Irish soccer team has ever beaten New Zealand.
18.
Rugby players aren't recidivist cheats and don't swear at the referee. Soccer players dive, feign injury, abuse the men in black and try to get opponents sent off.
19.
Rugby is an all-island sport. Soccer remains tainted by partition, sectarianism and division.
20.
Rugby's Heineken Cup and Six Nations schedule produces consistent, overseas treats from romantic Paris to eternal Rome, sprawling Australia to giddy Argentina, vibrant San Sebastian to comely Edinburgh.
Soccer brings you lots of nice places too. Kazakhstan. Blackburn. Japan. Turkey. Yeugh!
