Your Guide To England's Forthcoming Injuries

With Kieron Dyer and Steven Gerrard now seemingly out of Japoera, there's no doubt that England players getting crocked on the eve of the World Cup is the new rock 'n roll - or should that be crock 'n roll? (No - Ed) Here's our at-a-glance guide to how the rest of Sven's squad will follow suit and get themselves KO'd before the big kick-off:

David Beckham Hospital visit for check up on his now-healed metatarsal goes awry when Becks demands £10,000 for image rights before having an X-ray picture taken. In the ensuing scuffle the skipper's hairstyle is badly bruised, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Wayne Bridge While waiting for a taxi to the airport decides to have a quick kickabout in the car park with even-tempered team-mate Tahar El Khalej, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Wes Brown Status as Britain's first orange footballer is revealed to be the result of lifelong addiction to Tango. Is slapped silly by a
mysterious orange giant, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Nicky Butt Develops food poisoning after stylish 'Gucci and sushi' party at Beckingham Palace. Ensuing bouts of diarrhoea leave him being described as 'Sicky Butt', wrecking his World Cup dream.

Sol Campbell After lifting FA Cup and Premiership with Arsenal, is revealed to have an allergy to silverware which naturally went undetected during his Spurs years, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Ashley Cole, Joe Cole Fail to turn up for plane to Japan after reading headlines which say 'Cole Announces International Retirement', wrecking their World Cup dreams.

Kieron Dyer Using PC while recovering from knee ligament injury, clicks on spam e-mail which promises HOT XXXXX-RATED ACTION. Immediately develops a nasty virus, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Rio Ferdinand Goes for a "quiet pint" with Jonathan Woodgate, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Robbie Fowler Trampled in stampede to leave stylish 'Gucci and sushi' party at Beckingham Palace when Victoria puts one of her own records on, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Steven Gerrard After injuring back while sitting on Liverpool team coach and groin while walking on Anfield pitch, famously robust Scouser suffers jaw strain while giving interview, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Owen Hargreaves Caught up in unsavoury clashes between England and Germany fans and beats himself up, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Emile Heskey Hits six goals in first warm-up match and gets to his feet immediately each time he is fouled. Admits that "I'm just not myself at the moment" and withdraws, wrecking his World Cup dream.

David James Drops Gameboy on foot while braiding hair after 90 seconds of warm-up match, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Martin Keown Trip to Tokyo Zoo ends in tragedy when, while checking out chimps' tea party, he is attacked by the primates and hung as a deserter, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Nigel Martyn Attempts to give himself a haircut as stupid as those worn by the other two England goalkeepers but accidentally shaves top of head off, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Danny Mills, Danny Murphy Still not quite believing that two jobbing cloggers can play in the greatest tournament on Earth, both Dannies pinch themselves until severe bruising occurs, wrecking their World Cup dreams

Michael Owen After parting his hair neatly, putting on his lovely blazer and bow tie, packing teddy in his suitcase and kissing mummy goodbye, is blinded by the glare of his newly-polished shoes, wrecking his World Cup dream.

David Seaman Slips into coma at Arsenal dinner after Tony Adams reveals intimate details of his struggle against alcohol for the 11,458th time, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Paul Scholes Brutally attacked by a group of Japanese schoolchildren who call him 'shortarse', wrecking his World Cup dream.

Teddy Sheringham After Tottenham season video is shown in England team hotel, dies of shame, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Gareth Southgate Chokes, though thankfully not this time while taking a vital penalty in the semi-final of a major tournament, wrecking his World Cup dream.

Darius Vassell Hospitalised with malnutrition after misguided attempt to prove that "empty Vassells make most sound", wrecking his World Cup dream.