30 Facts about Chuck Norris
1. chuck norris's tears cure cancer. too bad he has never cried
2. rather than being birthed like a normal child, chuck norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. shortly thereafter he grew a beard
3. chuck norris does not sleep. he waits
4. chuck norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparallelled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. the devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. they now play poker every second wednesday of the month
5. chuck norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs
6. chuck norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, chuck met all 3 bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement
7. chuck norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. he then shouted "how dare you rhyme in the presence of chuck norris" and ripped out her throat. holding his girlfriends bloody throat in his hand he bellowed "don't f*ck with the chuck!" Two years and 5 months later he realised the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that everyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
8. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 ounce steaks in an hour. He spent the first 50 of those minutes screwing his waitress
9. To prove it isn't that big a deal to beat cancer, chuck norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing his muscles for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong
10. the chief export of Chuck Norris is pain
11. Chuck Norris was the Fourth Wise Man. He brought the baby Jesus the gift of "beard", Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths
12. Chuck norris can make a woman climax simply by pointing at her and saying "booya"
13. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death
14. There are no disabled people, only people who have angered chuck norris
15. Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares them down until he gets the inform ation that he needs
16. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.
17. Chuck Norris won Jumanji without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh1t out of everything that was thrown at him and the game forfeited.
18. Filming on location for Walker:Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stilborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered. Chuck norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking it's neck, to remind the crew once more that the Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
19. Chuck Norris shot down a german plane in world war two by pointing his finger at it and saying "bang"
20. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't pluck up the courage to tell him
21. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse.... horses are hung like chuck norris
22. after much debate, president truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending chuck norris. His reasoning? It was more humane
23. Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he kicks himself in the face. the only thing that can cut chuck norris is chuck norris
24. chuck norris frequently signs up for beginners karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh1t out of little kids.
25. the quickest way to a mans heart is with chuck norris's fist
26. chuck norris owns neither microwave nor oven. when he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" at his food, and out of fear it instantly catches fire
27. One day chuck norris looked in the mirror and said "no one outstares chuck!". He is still there to this day
28. before each filming of walker:texas ranger, chuck norris is injected with 5 times the lethal dose of elephant tranquiliser. This is of course to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors that he fights
29. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out fully solved.
30. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said "don't worry about it honey" and went into his backyard. He came back 5 minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said "Never question Chuck Norris".
